Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Remember the Minnesota Moose?

You Don't?
Good.
Moose...or Mooseys (more than one moose who sucks at grammar) in Minnesota= bad news.


I kind of thought we had a chance to win tonight.
Adam Everett has now used up all his greatness the past couple of days, I'll be gosh darn sure of it if he starts sucking a big one.

Oh no, believe me I'm the type thats more, optimistic than pessimistic.
Only if involves me not making fun of someone.
If I'm able to make fun of something, I'm ALWAYS negative.
I always make fun of something or someone.
So I hate you all.


Oh. Speaking of sucking.

Twins Bullpen.
I remember last year I'm all "we got this bullpen locked up all we need is a good dh and a third basemen and we're good to go!"

Then our whole team left.
Then Pat Neshek show boated.
Then he got hurt.
Then all a sudden, we just imploded.
Cuddyer got hurt.
Punto got hurt.
Everett got hurt.
Then everyone got hurt.
Then the bullpen got used way too much and now they cannot come back from wii elbow.
I mean...pitching too much.

I saw the always annoying ball boy take one right in the hoodinks.
I got hurt, yes..I got hurt.
Right *points to heart* here.


You know when you write down lets say, a long letter to a loved one with a pencil?
(this might only apply for left handers, since everything is made for you right handed nazi monkeys)
And you get all that lead on the side of your hand?
Thats (B)Oof.
Everything is going fine, you made mistakes but you erase them and like, draw a cute heart with the lace around it with the innitials JM&JM=...J&JM?*
You smile at your work. And then you fold the paper and...

SHIT IM SO MAD, I have this nasty mark on my hand and it wont go away.
OH NO I folded the paper with my hand! MY NOTE IS MESSY.

The Paper= The Game
What u wrote on the paper= The good innings you pitched
The nasty mark on your hand and now on your paper= Boof sucking.


Boof, I'm breaking up with you.
I'd send my homing pidgeon with a note attached that said "Im leaving your heart in the bullpen. You are no longer my starter. PS:Light beer still makes you fat"




*JM+JM = JJM = Joe Mauer + Justin Morneau= Justin & Joe Mauerneau

Friday, August 8, 2008

Yes, I'm alive.

I tend to disappear out of sight sometimes.


Run down of the past 5445844 days I've missed I will post you 50 thoughts:

1. Nick Swisher sucks super bad at first base. You made me laugh hard, and I burned calories on you account. Thank you for making me less fat.
2. Nick Swisher loses his gloves because he likes boys.
3. Nick Punto is great.
4. Carlos Gomez needs to step it up or get outtaaa herrrre.
5. I don't know about my feelings for cuddyer coming back. No serious. I don't know stop nagging me.
6. Our Bullpen sucks a big huge one on the road, and its starting to piss me straight off.
7. Why is Adam Everett still playing?
8. I don't give two fucks about Brett Farve, this is a damn BASEBALL BLOG! :)
9. But hes kinda cute for an old guy.
10. AJ Pierzynski even gets punched in the face when he isn't even IN the fight.. that how much people hate him.
11. Joe Nathan has been making me nervous lately. And ya know what that should NOT HAPPEN...example tonights game. He hits a hitter. Then gives up two singles now bases are loaded with 2 out. Bottom of the 9th. Joe Nathan do not make me wanna cut a bitch.
12.Thank you.....we win. ANYWAYS.
13. I miss Juan Rincon.......HAH KIDDING.
14. I have a huge new hatred for "ibanez" why hes in " " 's? I don't know. But he's what we call a "douche bag"
15. On a scale to one the ten, who would win in a running race? Carlos Gomez or a great horned owl. I know the owl can fly, as can gomez.
16.I miss guardado. And I miss dougy baseball. He so could of learned how to play third base. Admit it he'd be better at third than Lamb or Harris. Buscher eeeeeeh i dunno.
17. I like ta do tha cha-cha.
18. I really hope the last games this year won't give me an aneurysm. It seems like the twins and fux have raced ahead out of the gate. Detroit has no chance anymore.
19. I really wish we got someone before the deadline. How about we pick someone up off of waivers? Oh crap I forgot it's the MN Twins I'm talking about.
20. You getting bored yet? Just think of Nick Swisher wearing a panda costume. Then think of you holding a bat. Yeah see I got you interested again.
21. I think Mike Pomeranz is sexually attractive.
22. Sorry did I creep you out? He used to play in the twins farm system, thats why I brought him up, yep.
23. You know who else did? .....I don't know I'm asking YOU.
24. every time I go to a twins game, I end up getting into a stare down with a kid. And why do they always win? I should creep them out enough to turn around and watch the game. But no. They stare at me. It's creepy. Maybe they want my lucky charms who knows.
25. New Kids On The Block played at M.O.A today.......what?
26. Packers new quarterback has big eyeballs.
27. Oh when we're in the world series, I'll be having viewing parties at my house. Oh you think I'm being super crazy thinking we'll be in the world series? We will. And it will be again the Cubs. Ron Coomer will burst into a butterfly since his very puffy body was it's cocoon.
28. I love Stephen Colbert. I wish he was my creepy next door neighboor. Read his section in his book about sports it will change your life.
29. I love the person who picks the music at the dome. Whoever plays the ting tings and vampire weekend is good in my book. I think they should play the Jonas Brothers. I mean the Doobie Brothers...wait I mean..The Allman Brothers...I mean The jackson 5...or...the osmonds.
30. I'm a little bit country.... I'm a little bit, ....let's make out sis.
31. BACK TO BASEBALL! So whats the deal with Manny? I never saw him as a east coast guy. He can sock puppet* it up with Torii Hunter. (*hand puppets made of socks, who are more than likely very annoying and they blab about nonsense)
32. Ozzie Guillen is also a sock puppet.
33. I will be selling Ozzie Guillen sock puppets soon.
34. My mom says whenever she hears the name Guillen, which is too much since there is a guillen on almost every team, I swear. She says it reminds her of Ed Gein. And in which it reminds her of Skin Stretched Lamps. I capitalized all of that because I think that would be a dandy little band name.
35. The Skin Stretched Lamps and Pippy...with the new single "it puts the lotion on the skin"
36. So anyone hear about Johan Santana? No? Shock.
37. Delmon Youngs new nick name: dark knight.
38. On my x-mas list: the twins to get an azn to play for us next year.
39. So I hear Casilla is healing nicely and he might be able to play in two weeks? Thats epic.
40. I'll admit it. I'm happy that Barlett and Garza are on a good team. But uh, they got the better side of the trade I concur.
41. I love it when 70 year old men wear bright blue shirts with pink red and yellow stripes. It makes my day brighter. Because WOW it was a bright shirt let me tell you.
42. As you can tell I'm kind of loosing steam here. Let me chew on a starburst to get some of my creative juices flowing.....
43. Jesse Crain sucks....WOW see the starbust worked!
44. I think Brendan Harris' next walk on song should be Burnin' Up by the Jonas Brothers. If you don't know the song, listen to it. It would be great. Oh and Mike Lambs should be "loser" by Beck.
45. Now I'm disgruntled. The starburst is stuck in my teeth *mini panic attack*
46. Oh my friend Joe says that the MN TWINS probably sit in the club house eating candy watching little big league waiting for milk and cookies from Gardy. Scary thing is I think he might be right.
47. ......white chocolate macadamia cookies. Straight up. Dammit Christy.
48. I'm going to the yankees twins game. Anyone else going? I'll be holding my "Circle Me Bert my mom thinks your hot" sign.
49. Oh yeah speaking of Bert. He eats crickets, and enjoys it.. I think he'd eat anything. I think someone should test this out, every week it's a different package dried animal that either tastes like bacon and cheese, sour cream and chive or vinegar.
50. ITS MY CATS BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SALLY ON YOUR 15 YEARS OF MEOWZERIFICNESS!

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Macy's owns my soul. I sling lotions and makeup to make you feel pretty, and smell of gingery goodness. And no, I don't have any samples.