Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Its Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Hello world, I know its been a while since I've been on this here Twins blog but Karlee didn't have a computer. But now she does. So here's a list of things I should've talked about while I was away.

- First and foremost, Nick Punto won the World Series. Yes, him and only him.

- I still find Kevin Slowey awkwardly attractive. awkwardly attractive.

- I found out I really like Brett Gardner, feel for me.

- Jamey Carroll looks weird, but I'm kind of okay with signing him. Even though he tossed that ring into the lava at Mordor...or whatever.

- AJ Pierzynski is a very awesome person. I want to rally drink with him so hard.

- CJ Wilson is the complete opposite of a hipster, fact. Do hipsters like racing? Fuck no. Are hipsters straight edge? HELL NO, we like drinking box wine, and bitching about how we liked Ryan Gosling when he was in Young Hercules WAY BEFORE ANYONE ELSE. What can I say bowl cuts turn me on.

- Brian Wilson tries too hard, but he makes trying too hard look very very good.

- Terry Ryan is back, remember him? He wasn't all that great but hey I'll choose him over Bill Smith. He got rid of Nick Punto, he'll forever be on my shit list. I yelled out "WHY!" to Bill Smith when I saw him in person and oh boy golly he sure knew what the fuck I meant by that.

- The Twins aren't good at baseball. But Glen Perkins is, he's fucking fabulous at it.

- The Miami Marlins new logo makes me feel confused. Should I like all the pretty colors? Should I hate the fact it looks like something I would've made in MS Paint in 8th grade? Should I too take my talents to South Beach? Should I punch Logan Morrison in the cash and prizes? Do I automatically love this team based on the fact Ozzie Guillen is the skippah?

- Oh, yeah....did I mention Nick Punto has a World Series Ring? Soak that in for a moment.

- Cuddyer should stick to his day job.

- Ben Revere should do stand-up and open up for Kevin Heart. So much shortness. So much cuteness. So much sass.

- I want to go all Black Ops on an XXXXXXXXL Chalupa. Fact.


- I miss baseball.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hipster Kevin Slowey

Lately I've been looking at Memes, if you have no clue what those are google it and embrace the funny. After all of this mumbo jumbo about Kevin Slowey and the drama thats taken place and how terrible they're (front office, not Kevin) handling all of this, I decided to make memes of him.

NOTE: I adore this kid to pieces. These Memes are all in good fun. I hope you'll appreciate the sass. I wish one day something will make a meme of me. I'd be honored.

I now give you, Hipster Slowey.
(Big thanks to twikipedium for the pic!)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Twins Have Died From Dysentery

My buddy Ben from That's Twins Baseball has a hashtag on Twitter thats a hoot, and that hashtag is: #TargetFieldTrail. It pretty much seems like our axels on our metaphorical wagon are falling off, and with everyone getting sick it's like "Martha got bit by a snake" or "Bill has Dysentery" in the Twins clubhouse as of late. Be sure to check out that hashtag for hilariousness, in other news...I decided to use my best skills in MS Paint. Enjoy.

Make sure to follow Ben @Bennyc50 and me @KarleeKanz for more Twins hilariousness.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Why Didn't Chewbacca Get a Medal?

That thought popped up into my head after seeing the Twins beat the Yankees at Yankee Stadium tonight, five to four.

Why do you ask? Because we finally beat the Evil Empire. We are Chewbacca in this situation. They didn't get a medal because they had to do what needed to be done. Just like Chewy did, he doesn't need a medal to show people what he's done. He just did what he thought he should have done. Am I confusing you yet?

Or maybe Chewbacca didn't get a medal because the rebel alliance is run by a bunch of rabid anti-Wookite bigots. I could possibly be referring to umpires but it would make no sense, right?

Medal= Joe Mauer's fair ball during the play-offs.
Rebel Alliance= Umpires
Chewbacca= Minnesota Twins
Karlee= Opening up old wounds

You're welcome.

Monday, January 17, 2011

May the Power of Bill Smith Compel You

I just had a visual of Ron Gardenhire dressed up like a priest, holding down Carl Pavano screaming "May the power of Bill Smith compel you!" over and over until the "wanting to go to other teams" demons leave his body. Being exercised makes him realize his best choice is to sign with the Twins. Its already worked once with Jim Thome, but it'll be harder to shake out the demons inside of Pavano since he's played for the Yankees. As we all know they are indeed Satan's little helpers. This is why they win all the time. This doesn't mean being evil has its perks (it does) and you should never sell your soul to the devil, only if you REALLY need something (but really, never do that).

As each day passes we get closer to Spring Training. Are you excited? I'm pretty stoked if I do say so myself. We had some good signings, some awkward trades and there are also some things to be done(like not trading Slowey so I won't flip my metaphorical shit) But the main thing is that we got good ol' Jimmy Jam back so he can mash his taters for the Minnesota Twins. I'd go and tell you the utter heartbreak that is Nick Punto being a free agent but we won't go there until its 100% sure that he isn't a Twin. I'm brain washing myself into thinking we'll sign him again.

I'll be blogging more from now on since its getting that much closer. For now, Karlee out!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

OMG, Finally!

If you haven't heard by now, Minnesota Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire won Manager of The Year............FINALLY.

Gardenhire has been runner up in 2003, 2004, 2006, 2008 and 2009. He is also the first manager to win six division titles in his first nine years with his team. Go Go Gadget Gardy! Now, if only he can get a bullpen that doesn't crumble or starters that can give up less than 5 hits a game(or go longer than 5 innings), or count on the power hitters hitting home runs in a stadium that is hard to hit home runs (so they say, tell that to Jim Thome or every other team that played us and got second deck home runs)

Either way, the way he managed the team last year was damn near immaculate. Among all of the injuries and shenanigans I think he stood his ground and had great composure, unlike some other coach on a certain other Minnesota team. He just didn't win the MOY because of his wins (which is a good part of it though, naturally), he won because of the respect he gets and has for his team. It isn't all about winning, its also about heart and soul in which he has a gaggle ton of.

Now that Gardy has drug me out of the peripheral writing closet I'd like to shine some light on the whole Nick Punto thing that went down.

I'm sad. Real sad. Real super duper uber sad. I know for a fact that he won't sign with us seeing that the Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies had interest in him last year. I assumed they might not pick up his option then offer him something cheaper, but who knows.
Side Note: Might I ask you to take a look at those three team names I listed. Yeah, they're good teams aren't they? Why would they want a player who 'sucks', right? I'll let you think about that one.

Once I know Nick Punto will officially be off of the team, I'll write a novel about all the memories. I know all of the fan(...s?) of him are looking forward to it. Also, I will follow him to any team and like that said team because he'd be on that said team. Yes. You read that correctly. ANY team. (Eventheyankeesimsosorry)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Don't Call Them Twinkies

Ladies and Gentlemen may I present you with possibly the best baseball song,ever. Made by a Minnesotan at least.
Its by The Baseball Project and Craig Finn (of The Hold Steady)
Enjoy, may it ravish your ear drums.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Cat Names

If you love the MN Twins and cats, this is the post for you.
I got bored. (insomnia= creativity time) so I thought of names for cats that sound like the players names.

Joe Meower.
Justin Meowneau.
Jason Mewbel.
Kevin Hissey (cause he is all the sassy)
J.J. Rawrdy.
Drew Mewtera.
Glen Prrrrrkins
Danny Meowlencia.
Jason Meowko.
Jeff Meowship.
Nick Mewto.
Ron Gardenmeower.
Cat Meowshek.
Taters. (Jim Thome)
Scratchy Baker. (mad cat)
Meowchael Cuddyer.
Ben Mreowvere.

.......okay I really need to go to bed.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Mister Incredible

Here is another one of my 2 minute craptastic paint creations.

After watching The Incredibles on DVD for the 4th time today (thanks to a 3 year old) I realized Jim Thome looks just like the dad. Or maybe I'm losing it? But either way, we all can agree on one thing. Jim Thome is Incredible.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Jim Thome Facts

You've guys been waiting, and here is a hot fresh batch of Jim Thome Facts for your consumption. I edited some Chuck Norris facts into Jim Thome facts. The other half are made by yours truly. Enjoy!


- Jim Thome doesn't do push up's. He pushes the world down.

- Jim Thome's first word was 'taters'

- Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks in his closet and under his bed for Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome's hotness is the cause of global warming.

- Al Gore hates Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome can play Wii bowling without moving. He just stares down the pins until they all fall down.

- When Jim Thome plays Oregon Trail his family doesn't die from dysentry, but rather 380 foot moon shots to the face.

- If Jim Thome was in the movie 300 they would of had to change the name to 1.

- Jim Thome is the square root of a negative number.

- The force is strong in Luke Skywalker. But Jim Thome is strong with the force.

- In the show 'LOST' Jim Thome IS the island.

- When quoting Jim Thome you must type in all caps.

- When Jim Thome walks in the woods, you'd think the wind is making the trees move. Nay, it is the trees trembling at the thought they could possibly be his next bat.

- Jim Thome ate Gilbert Grape

- Jim Thome's singing voice is a mixture between Fergie and Jesus.

- The only reason the devil went down to Georgia is because Jim Thome would never go to Georgia, so therefore it is the only safe zone for him to go.

- When Jim Thome is thirsty he quenches his thirst with a mixture of Ozzie Guillen's tears and pine tar.

- Jim Thome is the reason why the Dead Sea is dead.

- Jim Thome can solve a rubix cube just by staring at it.

- Jim Thome can touch MC Hammer

- Jim Thome never wet his bed. His bed wet itself in fear.

- There is no escape button on Jim Thome's keyboard because Jim Thome escapes from NOTHING.

- Pluto was dubbed not a planet after scientists realized it was only a baseball hit by Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome's home run balls are all collected in one place. The Kuiper belt.

- If you are wise, you would never attempt to 'poke' Jim Thome on facebook.

- Jim Thome is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right arms.

- Jim Thome knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.

- Some baseball players chew gum, Jim Thome chews tungsten carbide.

- Jim Thome knows what Willis is talking about.

- Jim Thome can slam a revolving door.

- Death once had a near Jim Thome Experience.

- Jim Thome is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

- Jim Thome doesn't have a Twitter because he's already following you.

- Jim Thome doesn't have a facebook because he doesn't have friends. He just knows people who are worthy enough to not have a line drive home run hit in their general direction.

- When Jim Thome takes a bath he doesn't get clean the water gets dirty.

- Jim Thome has the power to order a McRib at McDonalds anytime of the year and get one.

- Who needs Jimmy Johns? Jim Thome is freaky faster and freaky gooder.

- Jim Thome doesn't run the bases slowly, your brain just can't process how fast he's actually going.

- If Jim Thome points his bat at you, that is more than likely the last thing you'll see.

- Jim Thome doesn't eat. He just mashes taters until hes had his fill.

- In 'Enter The Dragon' it was actually Jim Thome who killed Chuck Norris.

- The last digit in pi is Jim Thome. He ends all things. With his bat.

- Champions are the breakfast of Jim Thome.

- The only reason Jim Thome wears batting gloves is so his hotness doesn't set the bat on fire.

- Brett Favre can throw a football over 60 yards. Jim Thome can throw Brett Favre even further.

- When Jim Thome falls into water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Jim Thome'd.

- Jim Thome cuts down trees with his bat.

- Jim Thome once played first base, then realized in real life and baseball, he goes all the way. This is how he turned into a DH.

- When Jim Thome played little league he bunted a 500 foot home run.

- Jim Thome went from crawling to mashing taters. Walking is overrated.

- There is one thing faster than the speed of light, Jim Thome's swing.

- Jim Thome has played up to level 81 in World of Warcraft.

- Toyata Priuses never had a gas pedal problem. They were just all trying to speed away from Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome doesn't compete. He wins.

About Me

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Macy's owns my soul. I sling lotions and makeup to make you feel pretty, and smell of gingery goodness. And no, I don't have any samples.