Cuddyer.

Your boom stick is so big.
SO big you hit el beisbol out of fenway park.
Mommy like.

Lecroy can't throw.
Please, make him stop throwing.
PLZ.
PLZ baseball gods.

Punto bouncing boom stick balls off of the green monster being all ninja like.
Then punto hustling his cute booty to home.

Minnesota Twins,

Sorry guys, the office is on.
I still love you.
But uh. It's the office. Understand. Please.
I'll turn it back during commericals.

<3,
karlee

pouring rain= punto slip and slide.


ROUND UP:

Garrrreeettttt Jones got a home run.
Cuddy got a big boom stick.
We also played small ball.
Punto being all good.
It rained.
Wet baseball players.
Joe Nathan does what Joe Nathan does.
We win.
Huzzah.

dun dun dun dun..dun dun dun dun..CHARRGEEE

Bases loaded.
Morneau up.
You would think.. "OH HELLS YEAH"
But really...lately.
*shudder*
Not so much.
Prove me wrong Canada.
*watches tv for the verdict*
*plays jeopardy theme music since he's fouling off 4094887598 balls*
RBI single. Prove-age wrong-age of Karlee. Touche Morneau. Tou-flipping-che.

THANK YOU.
Man oh man Morneau. You fouled off so many balls I could of gone outside, mowed the lawn, walked around the block, ate some chicken pot pie, visit my relatives in California, fly back, go to the bathroom, GET a water then sit down. And then FINALLY you would of hit the ball.

Hi. I LOVE YOU RONDELLLLL.
3 run double.
Mmmmmm Mmmm Mmmmmm.

OH did I mention its the first inning?
Oh Because it is.
4-0.
Booyahkashaaa.

Okay Santana.
We made you a nice comfy 4-run pillow to sit on while you sit some bitches down.
Remember you want that strike out title.

Magglio crazy hair man has a .400 avg against the sit down bitch god?
Aw, hell naw.

Sit down, bitch.

top of the 2nd
Casilla does what...well..Casilla does. Grounds out.
Rayburn...you slipped and slid-ed ALL UP on that kubel boom stick hit.
That was pretty bad-ass..even though it wasn't our team. Damn you.
Mauer. If I had a magic carpet I'd let you use it so you don't have to run.
Or suck.

Bottom of the 2nd

Greaseball Magglio VS. Sit down, Bitch.
Ps: Bert just said Santan-ia.
Greaseball-1 (a walk)
Sit down, Bitch-0

CASILLA.
NO!
UGH..I AM.
No.. I'm done saying "hes a youngster, I'll give him ONE more chance"
No. I don't like you. When a ball is thrown to you, you catch it. And not stand there and go *gasp* OMGZ, I didn't catch it, THEN run. No. YOU RUN AND GET THE BALL.

Okay. Bases loaded? This kinda feels like that time when I went to watch Johan for the first time and he sucked. Hmmmm.
We gave you a 4 run lead.
And if you mess it up, YOU HAVE NO right to be Mr.Bitchtana and say you don't get run support. Okay?

Oh..one sit down bitch. Two to go.
Ya know what? Chicken in lemon caper sauce is delish.
I'm sooo going to re heat the left overs of that for my dinner.

bases loaded walk?
ORLY JOHANNA. Yes. You are a pansy ass woman now. Johanna.
Maybe Johanna, Justine, and Alexi can go get ice cream after the game....wait I didn't have to change Alexis name. It already sounds girly. Poor thing.

Micheal Cuddyer. YOU BREAK MY HEART. HEART. BROKEN.
Michelle is your new name. GO get ice cream with the other floozies.
3-4?
WTH.
WHA:LKDJFDOIUFLKJD!!!111one

Okay you sat someone down to get out of the inning.
But uhm. You are now Johanna.

Top of the 3rd
Michelle. You are not Nick Punto. Don't try to turn a single into a double. *smack*
Wham bam NO thank you ma'am.

Bottom of the 3rd
Uh.
Where did the sudden LOUD thunder come from?
It's supposed to rain out?
Oh..it's raining out.
*scampers off to kare11.com*
I sure am happy I don't live in gaylord. You'd be getting pounded.
BY RAIN.

Oh..btw..another sit down bitch inning minus the base hit.


top of the 4th
Wait..is it raining at the game too?
Or am I like..just wishing for wet hot baseball men?
AHHH it was raining.
Game Delay.
Is it bad that I want to see them splashing in puddles and dancing in the rain?
No it isn't bad.
It's natural.
So...so natural.
I'll be back.

5th inning.
game over.
rain out.
lost.
suprise.

The Johan Santana Show

I'm going.
Are you?

I will either have my
a: Punto shirt on
b: My 1987 world series championship shirt
c: Nothing.

But c won't happen since I won't be drinking.
Aw shucks.
I'm tempted to make a circle me bert sign but I can't think of anything eye catching.
Shocking huh?

I think I might do a "rhombus me bert" sign.

Sweep da deep.

Last night.
WHAT a night.

I think I'm not the only one who missed the metrodome magic.

Cuddyer and Punto went 2-4 each.

Kubel and Cuddyer home runs.
Me screaming my head off completely sober even pissing off the drunks around me.
That's how I do.
I'm sorry that I was belting out Bon Jovi. IT DID say sing along.

Oh did I mention I loved my seats?



I like warm up's.
*nod*


I also like it when canadians smile.

Momma said knock you OUT.

First off.
Joe Mauer aka:You aren't LL cool J right now..ladies DO NOT love (un)cool Joe.
Torii Hunter, Justin Morneau(but..atleast I have 30 home runs?) and Michael Cuddyer were 1-for-14 with a walk.
*AHEM*

I'll let that settle in your brain for a moment.
It gets better my friends.

Nick Punto. 2-for-3 with two runs and a stolen base.
...What chu know 'bout that betch.

Yes I know we didn't win.
Yes Johan didn't have a good first inning.
I could possibly be putting it lightly.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
Anyways...

Bartlett L-rod and Punto did good small ball.
And did by the book perfect plays.
I was a little taken back by the awesomeness.

Then after the game Souhan was well...going be be all...Souhan like...SO I thought. But he did say Mauer looked lethargic.
Me-owww.
But I was thinking negative, along the lines of:
"he will find a way to say something mean about Nick Punto"
When all a sudden he compliments his defense and says he doesn't need to be a .290 hitter because he's good at what he does.
My head spun.
Then I felt warm and fuzzy inside.
And I think I said "WHAT!" about 20 times.

RANDOM:

Being sober for weeks on end makes me feel drunk.
That doesn't make sense, I know. Bare with me here.
But I was rambling to my mother about how Mauer looks like a stealth ninja bob cat while catching. He sprawls his legs out and slowly moves his paw infront of him. "meow-tana..put the mreoowwball in my meowww kittenmitten."
(if you don't speak cat meow-tana= Santana)

uh. WHAT!

Terry Ryan is stepping down as general manager.

We all know we've been VERY annoyed with him this past year.
( IE: Trading Castillo for a couple of double a pieces of crap )
But uhm.
I still love that trade of AJ for Liriano,Boof and Nathan.
That was amazing, really. Mad props Mr. Terry Ryan.


But why leave now?
COME ON!
Do you want us to go under as a team?
.......FUCK.
I had to say it *long loud sigh*

By opening day of next year all we'll have left is:

Joe Mauer.
Some bags of sun flower seeds and peanuts.
The bat boy.
Juan Rincon.
Nick Punto (b/c he'll never leave as much as all of you would love it if he did)
And Lecroy will be the coach and gm.


I wonder why he left.
Maybe because he has to make a winning team and re sign big players with 100 dollars,two paper clips, a pen ( blue ink, not black ), and a harmonica that Pohlad gave him....thinking he's MacGyver and shit.

I looked up Pohlad in the dictionary.

Pohlad (n):
A money grubbing evil demon BILLIONAIRE from the deep dark depths of the house of hades.

WEIRD HUH.
Lets keep in mind it says BILLIONAIRE not MILLIONAIRE. Okay? Ok.
/sarcasm

What are your thoughts about this?
I know some people who are happy.
Some who are sad.

Me? I'm just confused. ( what a shock )

were off to see the wizardddd

The wonderful wizard of 'TC'


Johan- the wizard
J Garland- Dorothy..DUH.


Sooooo Johanna Santana is pitching against J. Garland...
He is going to knock them ruby slippers off that mofo, THEN sit some bitches down.

Well..let's hope atleast.

Chicag-HO!

It's always a good time when we play you.
I enjoy it because it's a hit-a-thon.

But uhm.

Umpire(s),
You suck. I don't like you.

Roar,
Karlee


Last nights game just...made me just. I...no words.

ONTO TODAYS GAME.

Morales. You is good.
You is hurts.
Ouch.
Just a sprain, but it looked like you ripped your leg off by the look on your face.
Don't scare me like that.

And of course.
"amazing play by Nick Punto!!!11!1one"
If I had a quarter for each time someone says that.
I'd be a mo effing millionaire.

Lets win today plz k thanx.
ps: I think we all know this but I HATE AJ PIERZYNSKI.
....wait who actually likes him? Rly.

I.
HATE.
HIM.
SO.
MUCH.
Now we're tied.

GARDY.
whydidyouputincarmencali.

Wait..so you leave cali in.
and now chicago is ahead.

Okay I'm done with this.

As "pulling a blyleven says"
I AM FULL OF ANGER SALAD.

I just realized.

I like guys named Nick.
Yep.
...wait I don't like Nick swicher..swisher..swizzyisserzizzle..however you spell it(sweets)
Well..The Nicks on OUR team.
Blackburn, good job.
You made momma proud....
until you put two people on base with 0 outs so Death Metal had to come in so he can hopefully sit some bitches down. And hopefully means "it probably won't happen"


If I was a professional Baseball player I would be scared to hit Nesheks pitches.
I mean..he never stop moving on the mound. He throws it like a crazed circus ninja with tourettes. Hanging his tounge out because he's hungry...hungry for stike outs.

But Neshek is being pure suck. Thank you.. it WAS 3-2..now it's 6-2.

Oh, did I mention I REALLY REALLY HATE CLEVELAND?
*long loud sigh*


The person I hate the most from this series:
HAFNER.
UGH.
Your parents don't love eachother. They aren't even sitting by eachother during the game. How does that make you feel? Guess what. I don't care. Evil demon.


I don't like being swept.
Yeah I know the game isn't done yet.
One inning, gotta make 4 runs?
I'm sorry I don't have faith. Who would.


Karlee out.

A love letter.

To Gardy and Joe Mauer.


Hi.
I love you.
Wait..you don't know why I love them?

OH this little snippit from an article on twinsbaseball.com

"It was a notion that manager Ron Gardenhire dismissed immediately(that Mauer should play 3rd) when it was brought up on Monday.

"He's a superstar catcher," Gardenhire said. "That's like saying 'Well, Johan [Santana] is really a great hitter, so we better take him off the mound and put him in center field because you want to get more out of his bat. You want to move one of the best pitchers in the game because he hits so well. Well, let's make him a hitter.' Well, let's take a guy who gets behind the plate and stops the run game totally and get him out there and put him at third, when there's no guarantee [that] he can play third. And there's no guarantee that he wouldn't get hurt doing that, too."

Mauer's injuries this season aren't necessarily catching related. But the constant beating that his legs take from squatting and getting down behind home plate is something Mauer has admitted is a byproduct of the job.

Mauer was sidelined with injuries early on in his career as well. In 2004, his rookie season, Mauer tore the meniscus in his left knee in early April when making a sliding catch behind home plate. It forced him to miss two months. In 2005, the Twins were tentative with Mauer due to the knee issue from the year before.

Still, the influx of injuries this season has not forced Mauer to re-think his decision to remain as a catcher -- at least not yet.

"Injuries happen to everyone, not just catchers," Mauer said. "They happen to outfielders, infielders and they just happen. The last couple seasons, I've been lucky to stay in the game and have just little nicks and bruises here and there. This year, I've had to miss some time, but I want to be a catcher and I'm going to be one as long as I can."


ORLY?
What do you think about that SOUHAN?

<3

Santana...Johan Santana

Shaken not stirred.

Okay.
Stop sucking against the Indians plz.
REMEMBER. Your Johan EFFING Santana.

Do good today.
I will be updating this lovely blog during the game.
Lets hope it will be filled with happy words.


Top of the 1st
LEAD OFF WALK.
GO TO JAPAN KENNY LOFTON.
DID YOU HEAR ME JOHANNA MONTANNA?
I GUESS NOT.
Rally in the first against Santana.
CY YOUNG MY *beep*
While all this stupidity is going on let me tell you about my love for Mike Redmond.

Mike Redmond= amazing.
Wanna know why?
He could have one hand and he'd still play.
He's a tough cookie. And he's hard-core.

OH YEAH..fyi.
Bert. Stop saying "at the major leauge level" and "youngster"

Bartlett. When Teh Santana throws to you. YOU CATCH IT. Thanks for ruining that double play.

Oh..already 1-0?
Oh. Ryan Garko pisses me off. He just looks like a big bottle of devil sauce.

Bottom of the 1st:
C.C Sabathia scares the crap out of me. 6'7..290lbs. YIKES ON BIKES.
He's not just fat. He's tall. And scary.
HAHA.
This is what I love. When two ball players run towards a ball. Then the ball drops between them. I reaaaaaally love that. Thank you casilla for that double.
Bartlett use your Pear King magic and conjure up a sexy rbi hit...OR strike out.
CASILLA. STOP. BEING. SO. A.D.D...
Gardy is SO giving casilla the death glare since hunter got on base, and then morneau did. We would of been tied. If he wasn't so flipping stupid and tried to get to 3rd. ID-EEEE-OOT.

*this is when karlee slams head against desk*

Top of the 2nd:
Yeah Johan..walk someone again. No..it's fine we don't mind.
BARTLETT. HOLD THE BALL.
2-0.
If we don't score by the 3rd im done typing.


OH..Looks like I'll type more when the game is gone.
I have a feeling it will be a "bad words" blog.


pre game:

BAD WORDS BAD WORDS.

Dear Jim Souhan,

You are all sorts of crazy.



"Mauer to third? Move would save legs and dollars"

Okay.
Close your eyes, and try to think Joe diving for a ball.
No.
DO IT.
I'll give you a moment......


*waits*

YEAH SEE, HILARIOUS.

I mean yeah sure,it will help his legs. But I mean can you really see him as a 3rd basemen? I really can't. AT ALL.

Whats next?
Persuading Bert Blyleven with a pack of beer and a new circle sign to pitch for us again after Johan leaves? (yep. I said it.)


Next years line up:

1st: Anthony LaPanta
2nd: A guy with the last name "Casilla" "Castilla" "Castillo" "Castilloa" "Castla" etc etc...
3rd: Gardies son.
ss: Jason Bartlett...because he's cute.
RF: Cuddyer.
LF: Cuddyer.
CF: Cuddyer...or if were lucky Stephen Hawking.
Catcher: Lew Ford
Ball Boy: Nick Punto (Gardy could never get rid of him, EVAR)
DH: TC Bear...he always wins those home run games against all the other mascots and such. COME ON GARDY. THINK A LITTLE BIT MY GOD.

Pitching: Bert Blyleven, Jeff Cirillo(since he's been pitching for the diamond backs, yeah. NUTS. GOOGLE IT), and the person who throws the first pitch. If were giving people chances (plural) might as well get the fans involved. Even Billy the 5 year old kid with a.d.d has a chance.

1/2 of a cup of sinker ,1/2 of a cup of awesome..

Then add a nice cup of strike outs and a dash of run support.

And what do you get?
A GAME THE TWINS WON.


Muffin Man sprinkled his magic across home plate with his strike zone sensitive laser arm......111 pitches -- 81 strikes, 30 balls.
Excuse me while I drool. BUH.


"I think we just went from the worst game we played all year to almost perfect," manager Ron Gardenhire said.

Don't push it there Gardy.
Well Punto DID get on base and score.
Anytime that happens I consider it a "almost perfect" game.


Up next: Hi Ho Silva. 11am. Lets do this.

Ps: Cleveland start losing, alright? THANK YOU.