The year of the J.

Is it just me or are there a whole lot of guys on the team that has the letter "J" at the beginning of their first or last name?(The ones that matter, naturally) We sign J.J Hardy and now Jim Thome? All we need to do is sign Jarrod Washburn and I'll be a happy camper. Oh yeah and give Joe Mauer 500 billion dollars and all you can eat Jimmy Johns (more J's) so he'd stay in Jminnesota.

Jim Thome is the baseball version of Brett Favre, let's just hope he doesn't strike out and lose the game in the third straight game 163 at the end of the 2010 season vs the Royals. (did you catch the whole, 'that will never happen because the Royals are the Lions of baseball.' aura?)


Did I mention that J.J Hardy and Jeff Manship are complete babes? I think I might have some new baseball boyfriends, watch it Punto and Slowey you got competition. Manship was born in 85 so he is automatically way more awesome than anyone else on the team. Gomez used to be my 85 buddy, and birthday partner but he up and left me.

So kids, I'll be at twins fest on Saturday. You can find me playing patty cake with TC, or stalking Nick Punto all Dick Cheney-esque.




So simply put here is my take on signing Jim Thome. Yes, he's old. He'll be most def a hall of famer, he still has it and really think of our past "bench" guys. Please. Matthew Lecroy, Jeff Cirillo, Mike Lamb, Brian Buscher, and I can't forget lil L Rod Luis Rodriguez. He is the best we have had in a long, long time. And for 1.5 mil!? Uh can you say steal? Yikes.

The Rundown.

So, I know it's been a while....I could tell you all my reasons as to why it's been so long I have written but I'd rather just tell you I've been fighting the resistance of the apocalyptic force of a certain purple and green dinosaur from planet channel 2. It's complete bullshit but it made you stop wondering now didn't it?

Now onto what I do best. Talk about baseball in the way a drunken college guy would to his friends while playing beer pong.

Dude, have you all seen Pat Neshek lately? I remember the day when he looked so lanky but he kind of looks like a brick house now. I don't know if it's just me, but I see it. It's been a while since we have been graced with the wondrous presence of said awesome man. Pat Neshek is too hard-core to even attempt to think of using performance enhancing drugs.
He's a good Minnesota boy, not a stupid guy from Jersey Shore. But if he was a character (I know they are human beings but, that show just CANNOT be real) on Jersey Shore his guido name would be "the freakshow" for super obvious reasons. Sorry Tim Lincecum for stealing your nick name, he is all the crazy and you just look like you should be a member of Miley Cyrus' band.

Now onto the main reason of this rant. I think Pat Neshek finally started eating red meat again. Remember I blamed his arm issue on his addiction to Wii and his weak body with the lack of meats? Do any of you remember me posting this picture? :


That picture has came to fruition. But he isn't Sidney Ponson fat. But he HAS to be nomming on some cheeseburgers now. He looks healthy and ready to kick some ass.

We acquired JJ Hardy from the Brewers in the off-season. My friend who is a Brewers fan (yeah, they have fans...so weird right?) said the ladies loved JJ Hardy. But I must say he has some serious competition here. Have you SEEN Joe Mauer? Holy crap. He's kind of a stud.

JJ Hardy, I heard someone really misses you though:


Ryan Braun, in his natural habitat. He misses sharing his grubs with you.

It's alright, Nick Punto will make you slushies and feed you gummi bears he keeps in his pocket. And then let you ride on his unicorn.

.....I know, I bet you all missed me.

Kar out.


side note: BRETT FAVRE.

being a night owl has it's perks

After the win on Sunday I ripped my cell phone from my pocket and frantically started calling the twins box office. To no avail the busy signal screamed in my ear, for a good 4 hours. And online was just as bad. A virtual waiting room? Really? It was way worse than a waiting room at a hospital. At least there you know you will be seen. Dialing over and over and waiting online brought me back to the *NSYNC days trying to get tickets. So stressful, I suggest never put yourself in that position.
Around 9:30 at night the site finally said 'no tickets available' and I felt my heart sink. Lil ol' me not going to the most important game of the year? Poppycock I say! I sadly go to bed and as I wake I check online and it says the same thing. I watch that Monday night football with that Favre guy and all I could think about in the back of my head was "Must. Get. Tickets."
I finally grasped onto the fact there is a 1 in a 50,000 plus chance I'll get tickets still. Before I lay my head I check online one more time.....

HOLY CRAP, the ticket selection screen pops up?! It was like seeing color TV for the first time. I pound at my keyboard seeing whats available. Section 141 row 5? I start squealing. I order the tickets. I call my friend, and we celebrate. That night felt like Christmas eve.

Needless to say I am kind of excited for tonight, no matter the outcome this will be a moment I will never forget.

You seriously can't count them out.

I swear the Twins have given me more of my fair share of stress ulcers and heart burn. Especially after tonight's game. Lets re cap:

Twins dominate. They take a hold of the Royals and shake them like a salt shaker and/or a Polaroid picture. Manship was the ship(for obvious reasons), and the twins were on the boat. Sailing as free as they can be. Then Manship kind of lost his sails.
Then Jesse Crain proceeded to set fire to the ship, running around drunk and taking an axe at anything vital to keep said ship a float. It worried me greatly as you can tell. And then Jose Mijares obviously forgot that hitting a batter is a bad thing to do. Delmon Young didn't seem to mind this time though. Someone needs to check out Mijares.....I think he might have short term memory loss.
Keppel calmed the fire and Joe Nathan obviously did his "I'm so nervous, OH I walked someone, hehe tying run is at the plate... BAM SIT DOWN BITCH" routine.


Going from 10-0 to 10-1 to 10-7 isn't cute.

I would like to go and say that I was flipping back and forth from the Twins game to the Detroit and Chicago game. I caught myself cheering for the White Sox a couple of times. I want to let you know it doesn't feel good. I felt like I was caught cheating. But it was kinda worth it, seeing Detroit get their asses handed to them.


Tomorrow I'll be going to the game. I expect that I will have my hands by my face a lot. So I'll bring my bottle of purel since there has to be at least 100+ people there with h1n1. Sorry if I just scared the shit out of you but I am just thinking logically. I'm spock.

Random Karlee Twins thought: I love the look and body language of Nick Punto after he bats. He looks like a surprised kitten who just got spooked. Or when Sonic the Hedgehog goes on the ledge of things and he has that "OOOH!" look on his face and hes on his tippy toes? You know exactly what I am talking about.

If you want to meet up with me at the game I'll be the girl in the twins shirt sobbing. I won't be hard to miss, I'll probably be flailing my arms about. Make sure you say hi.

OMG?

Before you say anything....I know I've been a bad blogger this year. Stop yelling. It hurts my ears.

I have decided I might make a blog with all sports involved. I must admit this but baseball isn't the only sport out there thats worth ranting/bitching/praising. The site will be up shortly :)


Now onto this here beisbol.

This year has been very emotionally draining. From the heart breaking loses to the epic wins. And it's weird to say after all of our bullpen malfunctions we are only 1 game behind first place with only a handful of games left. This is why I love this game, it's almost every day for what it seems half the year then all a sudden the last week is the most stressful thing you've been through since prepping for a colonoscopy (thats how it felt every time I watched Jesse Crain pitch, actually)

Now here I will randomly write out some of my feelings about this year:

- At first, I wanted to strangle Cuddyer with his own lack of confidence at the plate. He was like that girl in school who was nice and charitable and super into team work. But she smelled bad and always somehow ruined your happy with doing things like throwing up on you while in choir practice (never lock your knees), budding in the lunch line and taking the last of the chicken fries, and of course cheating off of your work.
But then years go by after graduating (years are months in baseball) and she's super hot, smells of rich mahogany and is a complete man eater. So I guess what I am trying to say is Cuddyer got hot in the game sense, and noway in the physical. Or he got possessed by the ghost of Kent Hrbek or Count Clutchula turned him into one of his minions. Yes, I just said Count Clutchula. Karlee Kanz 2009. Copyright.

- I still don't know why I keep rooting for Nick Punto, did that sound mean? I didn't mean it to be. He loves the game so much you just want that short shit to succeed at anything he does. That scrappy, bunting, head first sliding sunnuva b. He magical, thats why. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse.

- I don't know if you guys heard about this at all but Joe Mauer is like....super good. He's hitting like .845 or something. And the home runs he's hit this year if you split them in half it is what prior to this year was his career high. ( did I just make your head hurt with that horribly constructed sentence?)
His SLG is .602 and his freaking OPS is 1.047. Seriously, what kind of crazy voodoo rituals has he been doing? Has he been doing them with Vladdy G? Since he is obviously a witch doctor. He is either Iron Man, The Terminator, A Transformer, or a 25/25/25/25 of Nancy Drew, Mcguyver, the ghost from Ghost Writer and The Million Dollar Man.

- Justin Morneau, stop being a big ouchy Canadian. Get better a-sap. Same goes for you Kevin Slowey.

-I felt sick to my stomach when one day I uttered out these words to my friend "I wish Boof Bonser was back"



When it comes down to it I am shocked with the position we are in right now. We deserve it, our team is young and has been through a whole lot and I feel as if they have matured greatly since last year. One thing that worries me is if we do make the playoffs we would be playing the Yankees. But that my friend is a whole other blog post.


Stay classy, Minnesota.

Joe Mauer is awesome....totes.

There comes a day when you realize something so profound it just blows you out of the water. Today is that day.

Just kidding it isn't THAT serious, but none the less the post game Joe Mauer interview tugged on here Karlees heart strings a lil bit.

Here is the part where it got to me (I got all the quotes correct, even Mauers Minnesota-isims)


Robbie It's my cow ski: “Joe it was 8 years ago today you were drafted first overall by the Minnesota Twins. Was it a dream come true when you look back at that day and you look at your career whats it been like for you”

And then the one who add's in too many “uhms” “uhh's” and “ya know's” in his vocab (it's the Minnesotan...ya know) goes on to say:

Joe 'I'm the rocket man' Mauer: “Well it doesn't seem that long ago *insert charming smile here* but-uh yeah just an unbelievable day and-uhmm ya know this is where I wanted to be since I was a little kid and ya know that was just the beginning of it and-uh ya know I'm here now and I'm trying to stay here for a while”

And that is where I fell in love with that big goof all over again. People say he's going to be in it for the money once he hits free agency. But he knows his counterpart, compardre and uber Canadian boyfriend Justin Morneau would disown him and that amazing M&M man-love-o-thon would be no more. Also, his mommy would be pissed. We don't want momma Mauer to get ticked off, did you see how serious she was in the Joe Nathan/ Joe Mauer commercial? She means BUSINESS.

So Boston, New York, and yeah even YOU LA. Mauer doesn't want any business with you. He loves Minnesota, his mommy, and his boyfriend way too much to leave. Would you break up Bert and Ernie? Marco and Polo? Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart? Jon and Kate? Kit and Kat? Mike and Ike! NO. NO you wouldn't! Don't mess with perfection. M&M for life. Or, until Mauer actually turns into a crazed ego maniac and plays for the Yankees and crushes my life. But until now, all is good in Hollywood. Or Minnesota, you get it.

Fin.

ps: Sorry I haven't been blogging, my brain has been on overdrive with other such things.

pps: by the way we won in the 10th inning when Joe Nathan sat down Ken-ha-you-didn't-little-big-league-us-tonight-Griffey and Ichiro-yes-my-last-name-is-Suzuki. He struck out Ichiro. STRUCK OUT. I think thats the like 1st time he did it this year...or I can be gravely exaggerating

....really?

Manny Ramirez is a chick, I should of realized that when he had those long dreaded locks. I mean a female fertility drug? Really? What kinda voodoo shit are you up to? I am slowly disliking baseball, because most of the people that are VERY good are juicing up or attempting to get pregnant, like Manny obviously was trying to do.

Baseball is supposed to be a little boys dream to play, to look up to the greats and say "I want to be like them" and now a days, who wants to be like A-Rod or Manny? Hell, I looked up to Mark McGwire now I feel like my childhood was all a lie (that is a HUGE over exaggeration, mind you) I am going to blame him for my social anxiety that I had in middle school.

I think if these idiots decide to use drugs to make them better, they should never be able to play baseball. It isn't fair, what so ever. Personally if I found out if Justin Morneau were juicing I'd jump off my roof, and end up having one messed up twisted ankle. It's the thought that counts.

I guess there will be cheaters no matter what, in whatever you do in your life. So if you are a child, and your standing in line at the water park and you see a kid budging in line, don't be afraid to pull a Nancy Kerrigan on them.


So here is the moral of the story: I think douchebag idiots should never play baseball. They should make them do a 100 true or false test, to see how much of a douchebag they are. If they are in the 30-40 range they are good, if u are under 30 you might as well settle for a softball beer league,and if u are over 40 your Manny Ramirez, and should be out for more than 50 games.

PS:

I LOVE DENARD SPAN.
Robbie its-my-cow-ski is interviewing him and he's like "what do you do during a rain delay" and Denard goes "look at you and watch the rain" and Robbie obviously blushes, duh and says "boy that is just a joyous way to spend it I'm sure" and Denard is like "yeah man you are so beautiful"

And he took a nap. He so brought up Jurassic Park, and he doesn't know how to twitter, and he wishes he did because he is bored.

He's stealing my heart one sarcastic comment at a time.

This is what happens during a rain delay.

What I am about to tell you right now furthers the reasoning as to why I love this team to pieces:

I sit here watching the pre-game show to the second game that probably won't happen.
Who in the hell schedules the only time the Twins and Bo Sox meet in Boston IN APRIL?
Idiots...anyways. They show Scott Baker in the club house, mind you he blew and his name anagram "rocket bats" fit him too well giving up three two run home runs. But oh, this isn't why I love them.

He's being all quiet, and scott baker-y and all a sudden I hear a loud squeal, at first I thought Nick Punto accidentally turned around and saw Mike Redmond in his face (you all know EXACTLY what I mean), but then I started to hear the theme music to Jurassic Park. JURASSIC PARK! MY FAVORITE MOVIE. And I know the exact scene they were watching. It's when the family is getting ran out of the building by the velociraptors and they go to the main concourse where the huge t-rex skeleton is. And then they are like "OH NOES WE DED" and then T-Rex comes in and its like "NOM NOM NOM raptor NOM NOM NOM...*huge roar*", and they run out like "omgz, thank u t rex ahhhh"


Shooooooooooot Haaaaaaaa!

So MN TWINS, you are on thin ice. You better win your next game. If it's tonight or not. Jurassic Park saved your ass. Otherwise I would of ripped Scott Baker a new whatty-you-think.

Oh....Gardy

I am so glad we won in the manner we did tonight, otherwise Gardy would of just broke down and cried.

He seemed so bummed last night, lets thank the greatness that is Jason Kubel who hit for the cycle tonight. I have been hearing so many people saying the Twins suck etc blah blah. Last time I checked the season JUST started, and they have a ton of games to go.
Just be happy you aren't the Washington Senators. If I was a Washington Senators fan this year, or a Seattle Mariners fan last year. I wouldn't be too happy. Oh and also, be happy you aren't a Cubs fan.



I see this team, and it is capable of so many things. Like tonight for example, we didn't have Young, Gomez, or Casilla and we still pulled it off. Every person on that team has a purpose. I just am iffy with the whole pitching staff.


Tonight, all in all I am glad to finally see Kubel smile for more than .001 of a second.