Welcome to the first and only addition to NICK PUNTO: MYTH BUSTERS. I wish I was creative enough to make a graphic for this but you all have seen my crappy photoshop skills.
First Myth:
That Nick Punto can kill you with kindness.
FACT. Have you ever wondered where Jeff Cirillo went? Or why Matthew Lecroy just decided to stop dressing up with the team and looking like an over zealous father cheering for the team? It's because Nick Punto used his secret charming device. His kindness. It's stronger than any potion, or anything Harry Potter can do. Nick Punto does not use a wand, and he obviously doesn't use his bat. He uses his heart. He kind-ed them into the depths of the unknown. Or as we call it, retirement/coaching a A team. No, not the A Team with Mister T.
Nick Punto is greater than any baseball player ever.
FACT. Here is the break down of as to why he is the best baseball player of all time:
He doesn't listen to the third base coach, with no avail he keeps sliding head-first into first base even though everyone says it's bad for his health, he is for the most part Count Clutchula. When he isn't Count Clutchula he is over-running third base and making me want to choke him. But then they show his face looking like he just saw his childhood dog get ran over. I then go back to thinking ALL THE TIMES MICHAEL CUDDYER has gotten picked off of first base. When in doubt, blame Cuddyer. It always helps me and makes me sleep at night. He is my verbal and mental punching bag. Nick Punto can fly. And the biggest reason? He let me cop a feel of his ass while I was drunk back in the summer of 07. Thank you for that, you stood there like a champ and took it. I know for a fact any other baseball player would of cried. I am 5'3 and super scary. You are such a brave soul.
Nick Punto is 100% human.
MYTH. He is not. He is a mystical force that is made up of many things. He has the legs of a cheetah/female gymnast. The arm speed of the ever so elusive MichaelisCuddyeris. The eye to hand coordination of a Jedi Master (they are not human, they are fiction.) The heart of a lion and the ass of a Greek God.
Nick Punto sleeps.
MYTH. He does not sleep. He waits. He waits to steal bases, or a squeeze play, or anything that involves him to be all he can be. HUSTLE.
But I do wonder:
(sang to the tune of Stu's Song from the BLOCKBUSTER hit "The Hangover")
What to Punto's dream of, when they take a little Punto snooze.
Do they dream of bunting singles? Or sliding head first into a square white base.
Don't you worry your dirty scrappy head you're gonna steal second base and then pat you on back.
And then your gonna point to your best friend Gardy and then your gonna yell out "WHOS JJ HARDY?!"
Nicky Punto ohhh Nicky Nick Nicky Nicky Punto.
And if you decide to get pumped up and over run third-base. Well then we're shit outta luck.
Nick Punto makes voodoo dolls out of anyone who tries to take his position.
MYTH/FACT. The verdict is still out on this one. But I do concur. Have you ever noticed whenever they sit Little Nicky someone ends up getting hurt? When he isn't making Slushee's for Justin Morneau he is doing some crazy whack ass voodoo shit with Vladimir Guerrero.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
HAPPY NICK PUNTO DAY!!!!!!
Nick Punto.
Nicky P.
Nickles.
Good ol' LNP.
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways, 50 reasons why I love you, and all the cute things you do:
50. Last name is Punto. I mean really. Automatic win.
49. You keep me excited and on the edge of my seat awaiting your first and only home run per year.
48. I love how you are more of a mascot of the team than TC. But don't tell him that.
47. I swear you go up to the mound just to call the pitcher "sport" or say something cute like "cheer up butter cup, here's some razzles!"
46. You, by far have the best walk on songs ever. Rooney's Shaking and MJ's Thriller. But anyone has better taste in music than Joe Mauer.
45. You are probably the only guy on the team other than Livan Hernandez that actually enjoyed the sleeveless jerseys. And I love you for that
44. You love for Swedish Fish. So do I.
43. Your puppy dog eyes, no wonder Gardy can't yell at you.
42. The whole "is he half man half mystical creature"-ness of you.
41. You took a fist in the face from Torii Hunter.
40. Loves the fact that Nick Nelson from Nick's Twins Blog (link located on the right) brought up to me that if you google image search Nick Punto, a picture of me pops up. You have made me in some way famous. So I love you.
39. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse. Valid reason to love someone.
38. His blood is kool-aid and his insides are made of candy. Sure sounds tasty. And easy to love.
37. If you know me by now you will know my #1 reason why I love him. But I will start off and say that I love his thighs, those short thighs that looked SO CUTE in the powder blue throw backs. He looked like a 12 year old boy in his dads baseball uniform.
36. Still thinks he slept in a car bed as a small child. And I bet he had CB radios to speak to other car beds. And for that reason? More love.
35. His eyelashes are as pretty as lashes on an Emu/Ostrich. Or Richard Alpert from LOST. Yeah I went there.
34. Thinks it's adorable that you make slushee/slurpees for Justin Morneau. It's actually borderline way too cute. Puppies and Kittens snuggling in a bed of sleeping baby chicks kinda cute.
33. I like how he look like a 15 year old boy doing a presentation about the glorious and gentle Sperm Whale whenever getting interviewed.
32. The piranha commercial with Jason Bartlett. Love.
31. Your non-baseball attire. You are classy as shit, You don't dress like you are from Oregon or that your parents still dress you and think you are in 7th grade. Kind of how Joe Mauer dresses. And you don't wear affliction t shirts that I have seen, like Cuddyer and Kubel. So no need to feel the urge to curb stomp you to smithereens.
30. You are short, so am I. Let's be friends.
29. You have a messed up way of making people feel bad that they are mad that you aren't doing good. I feel like a father who has faith in said son and all he wants is him to do well, KNOWS you have it in you but you are in a rut. Get out of it! Make me proud son!
28. I'm sorry about the last reason, I freaked myself out there. Nicky wouldn't of been scared, he's never scared.
27. If Chuck Norris tried to round house kick Nick Punto in the face, Nick Punto would headfirst slide into his chest and make him automatically implode.
26. If Chuck Norris tried to punch Nick Punto with his third fist that is located under his beard, Nick Punto would tell Gardy, and Gardy would scare the shit out of Chuck Norris bringing him back to the time he was 5 when Santa Claus yelled at him for roundhouse kicking an elf, and run away.
25. I bet Nick Punto is manly enough to go to the vagina monologues and speak about how much of a vagina Nick Swisher is. Wait I shouldn't speak about my dreams. But I love him all the same.
24. For some reason whenever I see Alan from the Hangover, I think of you. Why? I'd love to know. Maybe because he is child-like, awkwardly innocent acting but just wants hookers and blow? I truly don't know. But I love you for it.
23. I want to state that Nick Punto does not want hookers and blow. He wants firm hugs and pixi stix, and love.
22. I would like to state that I would love you more if you would be a guest on Yo GabbaGabba.
21. The picture of you biting the bat, when you were with the phillies. Thank you.
20. Loves the pictures I see of you, you are either parallel to the ground, standing on your head, or look like a big ball of tiny fury. All of them equally as entertaining and lovingly adored by me.
19. Loves how you taunt the pitcher when you are on second, I mean really? Stop being cocky. Wait no don't it's cute.
18. He does not run on a flux capacitor, he runs on gummied treats. How can you NOT love that.
17. You like to smack ass almost as much as Brett Favre. And I love me some Brett Favre. So that's an automatic super love-a-thon.
16. You look up Scrappy in the dictionary and a picture of you shows up. Looking scrappy. I love how you play, I bet you have "final countdown" in your head whenever you are up to bat. Cause I always sing it out loud at the games.
15. Loves seeing you run so fast your helmet falls off of your head. I always make the Million Dollar Man sound whenever you run.
14. You never give up, even when you should. I'd never want to play any board game with you.
13. Loves that you bunt with a 3-2 count. Wait. I don't love that, wtf Nick?
12. Knows you love that Ozzie Guillen wants to have your love child, along with Morneaus. Sorry but that would be one very ugly, loud, bi polar child with Canadian influences. Like the late night craving for moose blood and maple syrup.
11. Loves how in game 163 you hit that single and I sobbed like I just won a million dollars.
10. Loves that you seriously like everyone, and it seems you always say yes. This might come in handy. Mental note taken.
9. Knows you were probably scared of Sidney Ponson. I was scared of him. I have never come across a person who said "by golly, I sure liked that creepy slimey looking epic fail from Aruba." No don't bring me to Aruba. I want to go to Cocomo.
8. I like it when you don't over run bases and get out. I love it when you don't do that. A shit ton.
7. Loves that you defy gravity. You are 5'8 yet you can jump twice your height it seems. A cat-like feature I wish to posses.
6. I love the way you look like a surprised fuzzy animal whenever a ball is thrown inside. You then look at the ump in your best innocent look and probably say something like "he's twying to hurteded me's"
5. I love you so much if you were on Dr.Phil I'd watch it. You'd probably be on it to talk to him about being addicted to sliding head first into first base. You live on the edge, sir. I still don't see how that is faster than feet first. You need to be on sports science and prove to the world the Nicky Punto way is the right way indeed.
4. Loves that you work out with David Ortiz during the off season, or at least used to. The visual alone makes me laugh.
3. Likes that you are #8. Naturally my favorite number along side #4. And yes you are one more number awesome-er than Joe Mauer.
2. Loves how fast you run, I want to jump on your back and tell you to go 88 mph so we can go back to the future.
1. I love your back side. I love that ass. I can see it from 200 yards away. You are the reason that the Home Run Porch was the best place to sit. And thirdbase line when you used to play the hot corner. You played the hot corner because you are hot. Simply put. Nick Punto is a gamer. Nick Punto is a mans man. Nick Punto is you, Nick Punto is me. Nick Punto is that dude from V for Vendetta. He is all that is good in the world, so today we salute you, tiny hustling scrappy son of a bitch. I raise my glass to you, GOOD DAY SIR.
Nicky P.
Nickles.
Good ol' LNP.
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways, 50 reasons why I love you, and all the cute things you do:
50. Last name is Punto. I mean really. Automatic win.
49. You keep me excited and on the edge of my seat awaiting your first and only home run per year.
48. I love how you are more of a mascot of the team than TC. But don't tell him that.
47. I swear you go up to the mound just to call the pitcher "sport" or say something cute like "cheer up butter cup, here's some razzles!"
46. You, by far have the best walk on songs ever. Rooney's Shaking and MJ's Thriller. But anyone has better taste in music than Joe Mauer.
45. You are probably the only guy on the team other than Livan Hernandez that actually enjoyed the sleeveless jerseys. And I love you for that
44. You love for Swedish Fish. So do I.
43. Your puppy dog eyes, no wonder Gardy can't yell at you.
42. The whole "is he half man half mystical creature"-ness of you.
41. You took a fist in the face from Torii Hunter.
40. Loves the fact that Nick Nelson from Nick's Twins Blog (link located on the right) brought up to me that if you google image search Nick Punto, a picture of me pops up. You have made me in some way famous. So I love you.
39. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse. Valid reason to love someone.
38. His blood is kool-aid and his insides are made of candy. Sure sounds tasty. And easy to love.
37. If you know me by now you will know my #1 reason why I love him. But I will start off and say that I love his thighs, those short thighs that looked SO CUTE in the powder blue throw backs. He looked like a 12 year old boy in his dads baseball uniform.
36. Still thinks he slept in a car bed as a small child. And I bet he had CB radios to speak to other car beds. And for that reason? More love.
35. His eyelashes are as pretty as lashes on an Emu/Ostrich. Or Richard Alpert from LOST. Yeah I went there.
34. Thinks it's adorable that you make slushee/slurpees for Justin Morneau. It's actually borderline way too cute. Puppies and Kittens snuggling in a bed of sleeping baby chicks kinda cute.
33. I like how he look like a 15 year old boy doing a presentation about the glorious and gentle Sperm Whale whenever getting interviewed.
32. The piranha commercial with Jason Bartlett. Love.
31. Your non-baseball attire. You are classy as shit, You don't dress like you are from Oregon or that your parents still dress you and think you are in 7th grade. Kind of how Joe Mauer dresses. And you don't wear affliction t shirts that I have seen, like Cuddyer and Kubel. So no need to feel the urge to curb stomp you to smithereens.
30. You are short, so am I. Let's be friends.
29. You have a messed up way of making people feel bad that they are mad that you aren't doing good. I feel like a father who has faith in said son and all he wants is him to do well, KNOWS you have it in you but you are in a rut. Get out of it! Make me proud son!
28. I'm sorry about the last reason, I freaked myself out there. Nicky wouldn't of been scared, he's never scared.
27. If Chuck Norris tried to round house kick Nick Punto in the face, Nick Punto would headfirst slide into his chest and make him automatically implode.
26. If Chuck Norris tried to punch Nick Punto with his third fist that is located under his beard, Nick Punto would tell Gardy, and Gardy would scare the shit out of Chuck Norris bringing him back to the time he was 5 when Santa Claus yelled at him for roundhouse kicking an elf, and run away.
25. I bet Nick Punto is manly enough to go to the vagina monologues and speak about how much of a vagina Nick Swisher is. Wait I shouldn't speak about my dreams. But I love him all the same.
24. For some reason whenever I see Alan from the Hangover, I think of you. Why? I'd love to know. Maybe because he is child-like, awkwardly innocent acting but just wants hookers and blow? I truly don't know. But I love you for it.
23. I want to state that Nick Punto does not want hookers and blow. He wants firm hugs and pixi stix, and love.
22. I would like to state that I would love you more if you would be a guest on Yo GabbaGabba.
21. The picture of you biting the bat, when you were with the phillies. Thank you.
20. Loves the pictures I see of you, you are either parallel to the ground, standing on your head, or look like a big ball of tiny fury. All of them equally as entertaining and lovingly adored by me.
19. Loves how you taunt the pitcher when you are on second, I mean really? Stop being cocky. Wait no don't it's cute.
18. He does not run on a flux capacitor, he runs on gummied treats. How can you NOT love that.
17. You like to smack ass almost as much as Brett Favre. And I love me some Brett Favre. So that's an automatic super love-a-thon.
16. You look up Scrappy in the dictionary and a picture of you shows up. Looking scrappy. I love how you play, I bet you have "final countdown" in your head whenever you are up to bat. Cause I always sing it out loud at the games.
15. Loves seeing you run so fast your helmet falls off of your head. I always make the Million Dollar Man sound whenever you run.
14. You never give up, even when you should. I'd never want to play any board game with you.
13. Loves that you bunt with a 3-2 count. Wait. I don't love that, wtf Nick?
12. Knows you love that Ozzie Guillen wants to have your love child, along with Morneaus. Sorry but that would be one very ugly, loud, bi polar child with Canadian influences. Like the late night craving for moose blood and maple syrup.
11. Loves how in game 163 you hit that single and I sobbed like I just won a million dollars.
10. Loves that you seriously like everyone, and it seems you always say yes. This might come in handy. Mental note taken.
9. Knows you were probably scared of Sidney Ponson. I was scared of him. I have never come across a person who said "by golly, I sure liked that creepy slimey looking epic fail from Aruba." No don't bring me to Aruba. I want to go to Cocomo.
8. I like it when you don't over run bases and get out. I love it when you don't do that. A shit ton.
7. Loves that you defy gravity. You are 5'8 yet you can jump twice your height it seems. A cat-like feature I wish to posses.
6. I love the way you look like a surprised fuzzy animal whenever a ball is thrown inside. You then look at the ump in your best innocent look and probably say something like "he's twying to hurteded me's"
5. I love you so much if you were on Dr.Phil I'd watch it. You'd probably be on it to talk to him about being addicted to sliding head first into first base. You live on the edge, sir. I still don't see how that is faster than feet first. You need to be on sports science and prove to the world the Nicky Punto way is the right way indeed.
4. Loves that you work out with David Ortiz during the off season, or at least used to. The visual alone makes me laugh.
3. Likes that you are #8. Naturally my favorite number along side #4. And yes you are one more number awesome-er than Joe Mauer.
2. Loves how fast you run, I want to jump on your back and tell you to go 88 mph so we can go back to the future.
1. I love your back side. I love that ass. I can see it from 200 yards away. You are the reason that the Home Run Porch was the best place to sit. And thirdbase line when you used to play the hot corner. You played the hot corner because you are hot. Simply put. Nick Punto is a gamer. Nick Punto is a mans man. Nick Punto is you, Nick Punto is me. Nick Punto is that dude from V for Vendetta. He is all that is good in the world, so today we salute you, tiny hustling scrappy son of a bitch. I raise my glass to you, GOOD DAY SIR.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Yay Hudson!
No, not you Wisconsin....the cooler Hudson. Orlando.
Wait, I just realized his name consists of two city names. How about that.
Maybe his name tells us a little about himself.
Hudson is a quaint city on the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota on the great St.Croix River. Weird...the TWIN cities is split by a river. Coincidence, I think not. Eat that, J.J Abrams. I could so write LOST.
As for Orlando, it's full of attractions, and Orlando is attractive? And....yeah I got nothing.
So lets celebrate!
Celebration cat! Not enthused, but still celebrating none the less!
Welcome to this frigid freakin' state. It's way different than Los Angeles. Woah, another mystical connection. Dougie Baseball plays for the Dodgers, you used to play for the Dodgers and he used to play for the Twins! I could do this Kevin Bacon thing with every player I think in the league. So that wasn't even mystical. At all.
Wait, I just realized his name consists of two city names. How about that.
Maybe his name tells us a little about himself.
Hudson is a quaint city on the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota on the great St.Croix River. Weird...the TWIN cities is split by a river. Coincidence, I think not. Eat that, J.J Abrams. I could so write LOST.
As for Orlando, it's full of attractions, and Orlando is attractive? And....yeah I got nothing.
So lets celebrate!
Celebration cat! Not enthused, but still celebrating none the less!
Welcome to this frigid freakin' state. It's way different than Los Angeles. Woah, another mystical connection. Dougie Baseball plays for the Dodgers, you used to play for the Dodgers and he used to play for the Twins! I could do this Kevin Bacon thing with every player I think in the league. So that wasn't even mystical. At all.
ohhhh, la la.
I made a new header, isn't it just beautiful? I know, I know...isn't it just crazy I never went to one photoshop/graphics class? I am stunned too.
So I decided a new thing this season I will be doing Tweetsday Tweets. Thursday is now Tweetsday. I will be posting my favorite Tweets from baseball players and obviously picking what they say apart and make silly accusations. So today will be the first Tweetsday Tweets!
The first comes from my favorite baseball player ever.
/Sarcasm
@NickSwisher What did you have for lunch today?
I had Jambalaya, Nick Swisher. I surely hope you had a big steaming bowl of shut the fuck up.
@thisisdspan
Today was a long day. I'm on my way hone from gettin swole! Lol
Okay Denard, I will let you get by with one typo. Since you are new to Twitter. I am very pleased with you using the word Swole. My girl crush just got crushier. So much I have to show one more of your recent Tweets, which was a three part tweet but I will combine them all.
@thisisdspan I see that my humor has brought more humors back towards me! Why r u guys getting mad at me for the weather here?!we all have choices in Life and all u twins fans decide to live in Minnesota where u get no sun for 11 months and do fun things like ice fishing and drinking hot Chocolate all day long! Lol I mean honestly I so very NOT jealous of minnesotoans lol! But that's why I love u guys bc u go thru a lot and I've also been threw a lot.
Oh Denard, you young tweeter. I know it's hard to write on iphones and the such. Denard I will bring all the humors back towards you, if you know what I mean. This mass tweet made me crack up, I am glad he pointed out how insane we are that we live in a place with no sun, and all we do is fish and drink hot chocolate. Because really, I'm not going to be the one standing in center field after they plowed 5 inhes of snow off of the field in 30 degree weather, you are. I'll be in the stands wrapped up in a damn snuggie singing "lets get Denarded! Ha! Let's get Denarded IN HERRRRRE"....and more than likely drinking hot chocolate.
I sense that Denard will be the Minnesota Twins version of @vshiancoe
And now onto our final Tweetsday Tweet!
mattholliday7 Big fan of the new creed album, helps me get through long bike workout
.......Creed? Really? Oh before I say anything he decided to lash out and Tweet this minutes after the tweet I just showed you "Save it all you creed haters, I'm sure your iPod is filled with perfection. Let me know what's cool"
Damn straight my iPod is filled with perfection. Anything with Huey Lewis and the News, Spandau Ballet, Rick Astley, and *NSYNC is damn near perfection. Silly Matt Holliday. Whatever makes you sleep at night, or...get you through your bike workouts. I suggest he tries out Joe Mauers walk on song on repeat. (I highly suggest nobody put themselves through such torture)
Lastly, I made an OMGMNTwins twitter! BE ONE OF MY MINIONS. <3
OMGMNTwins
And if you want to dabble into my personal life:
@Karleecupcake
So I decided a new thing this season I will be doing Tweetsday Tweets. Thursday is now Tweetsday. I will be posting my favorite Tweets from baseball players and obviously picking what they say apart and make silly accusations. So today will be the first Tweetsday Tweets!
The first comes from my favorite baseball player ever.
/Sarcasm
@NickSwisher What did you have for lunch today?
I had Jambalaya, Nick Swisher. I surely hope you had a big steaming bowl of shut the fuck up.
@thisisdspan
Today was a long day. I'm on my way hone from gettin swole! Lol
Okay Denard, I will let you get by with one typo. Since you are new to Twitter. I am very pleased with you using the word Swole. My girl crush just got crushier. So much I have to show one more of your recent Tweets, which was a three part tweet but I will combine them all.
@thisisdspan I see that my humor has brought more humors back towards me! Why r u guys getting mad at me for the weather here?!we all have choices in Life and all u twins fans decide to live in Minnesota where u get no sun for 11 months and do fun things like ice fishing and drinking hot Chocolate all day long! Lol I mean honestly I so very NOT jealous of minnesotoans lol! But that's why I love u guys bc u go thru a lot and I've also been threw a lot.
Oh Denard, you young tweeter. I know it's hard to write on iphones and the such. Denard I will bring all the humors back towards you, if you know what I mean. This mass tweet made me crack up, I am glad he pointed out how insane we are that we live in a place with no sun, and all we do is fish and drink hot chocolate. Because really, I'm not going to be the one standing in center field after they plowed 5 inhes of snow off of the field in 30 degree weather, you are. I'll be in the stands wrapped up in a damn snuggie singing "lets get Denarded! Ha! Let's get Denarded IN HERRRRRE"....and more than likely drinking hot chocolate.
I sense that Denard will be the Minnesota Twins version of @vshiancoe
And now onto our final Tweetsday Tweet!
mattholliday7 Big fan of the new creed album, helps me get through long bike workout
.......Creed? Really? Oh before I say anything he decided to lash out and Tweet this minutes after the tweet I just showed you "Save it all you creed haters, I'm sure your iPod is filled with perfection. Let me know what's cool"
Damn straight my iPod is filled with perfection. Anything with Huey Lewis and the News, Spandau Ballet, Rick Astley, and *NSYNC is damn near perfection. Silly Matt Holliday. Whatever makes you sleep at night, or...get you through your bike workouts. I suggest he tries out Joe Mauers walk on song on repeat. (I highly suggest nobody put themselves through such torture)
Lastly, I made an OMGMNTwins twitter! BE ONE OF MY MINIONS. <3
OMGMNTwins
And if you want to dabble into my personal life:
@Karleecupcake
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The year of the J.
Is it just me or are there a whole lot of guys on the team that has the letter "J" at the beginning of their first or last name?(The ones that matter, naturally) We sign J.J Hardy and now Jim Thome? All we need to do is sign Jarrod Washburn and I'll be a happy camper. Oh yeah and give Joe Mauer 500 billion dollars and all you can eat Jimmy Johns (more J's) so he'd stay in Jminnesota.
Jim Thome is the baseball version of Brett Favre, let's just hope he doesn't strike out and lose the game in the third straight game 163 at the end of the 2010 season vs the Royals. (did you catch the whole, 'that will never happen because the Royals are the Lions of baseball.' aura?)
Did I mention that J.J Hardy and Jeff Manship are complete babes? I think I might have some new baseball boyfriends, watch it Punto and Slowey you got competition. Manship was born in 85 so he is automatically way more awesome than anyone else on the team. Gomez used to be my 85 buddy, and birthday partner but he up and left me.
So kids, I'll be at twins fest on Saturday. You can find me playing patty cake with TC, or stalking Nick Punto all Dick Cheney-esque.
So simply put here is my take on signing Jim Thome. Yes, he's old. He'll be most def a hall of famer, he still has it and really think of our past "bench" guys. Please. Matthew Lecroy, Jeff Cirillo, Mike Lamb, Brian Buscher, and I can't forget lil L Rod Luis Rodriguez. He is the best we have had in a long, long time. And for 1.5 mil!? Uh can you say steal? Yikes.
Jim Thome is the baseball version of Brett Favre, let's just hope he doesn't strike out and lose the game in the third straight game 163 at the end of the 2010 season vs the Royals. (did you catch the whole, 'that will never happen because the Royals are the Lions of baseball.' aura?)
Did I mention that J.J Hardy and Jeff Manship are complete babes? I think I might have some new baseball boyfriends, watch it Punto and Slowey you got competition. Manship was born in 85 so he is automatically way more awesome than anyone else on the team. Gomez used to be my 85 buddy, and birthday partner but he up and left me.
So kids, I'll be at twins fest on Saturday. You can find me playing patty cake with TC, or stalking Nick Punto all Dick Cheney-esque.
So simply put here is my take on signing Jim Thome. Yes, he's old. He'll be most def a hall of famer, he still has it and really think of our past "bench" guys. Please. Matthew Lecroy, Jeff Cirillo, Mike Lamb, Brian Buscher, and I can't forget lil L Rod Luis Rodriguez. He is the best we have had in a long, long time. And for 1.5 mil!? Uh can you say steal? Yikes.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Rundown.
So, I know it's been a while....I could tell you all my reasons as to why it's been so long I have written but I'd rather just tell you I've been fighting the resistance of the apocalyptic force of a certain purple and green dinosaur from planet channel 2. It's complete bullshit but it made you stop wondering now didn't it?
Now onto what I do best. Talk about baseball in the way a drunken college guy would to his friends while playing beer pong.
Dude, have you all seen Pat Neshek lately? I remember the day when he looked so lanky but he kind of looks like a brick house now. I don't know if it's just me, but I see it. It's been a while since we have been graced with the wondrous presence of said awesome man. Pat Neshek is too hard-core to even attempt to think of using performance enhancing drugs.
He's a good Minnesota boy, not a stupid guy from Jersey Shore. But if he was a character (I know they are human beings but, that show just CANNOT be real) on Jersey Shore his guido name would be "the freakshow" for super obvious reasons. Sorry Tim Lincecum for stealing your nick name, he is all the crazy and you just look like you should be a member of Miley Cyrus' band.
Now onto the main reason of this rant. I think Pat Neshek finally started eating red meat again. Remember I blamed his arm issue on his addiction to Wii and his weak body with the lack of meats? Do any of you remember me posting this picture? :
That picture has came to fruition. But he isn't Sidney Ponson fat. But he HAS to be nomming on some cheeseburgers now. He looks healthy and ready to kick some ass.
We acquired JJ Hardy from the Brewers in the off-season. My friend who is a Brewers fan (yeah, they have fans...so weird right?) said the ladies loved JJ Hardy. But I must say he has some serious competition here. Have you SEEN Joe Mauer? Holy crap. He's kind of a stud.
JJ Hardy, I heard someone really misses you though:
Ryan Braun, in his natural habitat. He misses sharing his grubs with you.
It's alright, Nick Punto will make you slushies and feed you gummi bears he keeps in his pocket. And then let you ride on his unicorn.
.....I know, I bet you all missed me.
Kar out.
side note: BRETT FAVRE.
Now onto what I do best. Talk about baseball in the way a drunken college guy would to his friends while playing beer pong.
Dude, have you all seen Pat Neshek lately? I remember the day when he looked so lanky but he kind of looks like a brick house now. I don't know if it's just me, but I see it. It's been a while since we have been graced with the wondrous presence of said awesome man. Pat Neshek is too hard-core to even attempt to think of using performance enhancing drugs.
He's a good Minnesota boy, not a stupid guy from Jersey Shore. But if he was a character (I know they are human beings but, that show just CANNOT be real) on Jersey Shore his guido name would be "the freakshow" for super obvious reasons. Sorry Tim Lincecum for stealing your nick name, he is all the crazy and you just look like you should be a member of Miley Cyrus' band.
Now onto the main reason of this rant. I think Pat Neshek finally started eating red meat again. Remember I blamed his arm issue on his addiction to Wii and his weak body with the lack of meats? Do any of you remember me posting this picture? :
That picture has came to fruition. But he isn't Sidney Ponson fat. But he HAS to be nomming on some cheeseburgers now. He looks healthy and ready to kick some ass.
We acquired JJ Hardy from the Brewers in the off-season. My friend who is a Brewers fan (yeah, they have fans...so weird right?) said the ladies loved JJ Hardy. But I must say he has some serious competition here. Have you SEEN Joe Mauer? Holy crap. He's kind of a stud.
JJ Hardy, I heard someone really misses you though:
Ryan Braun, in his natural habitat. He misses sharing his grubs with you.
It's alright, Nick Punto will make you slushies and feed you gummi bears he keeps in his pocket. And then let you ride on his unicorn.
.....I know, I bet you all missed me.
Kar out.
side note: BRETT FAVRE.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
being a night owl has it's perks
After the win on Sunday I ripped my cell phone from my pocket and frantically started calling the twins box office. To no avail the busy signal screamed in my ear, for a good 4 hours. And online was just as bad. A virtual waiting room? Really? It was way worse than a waiting room at a hospital. At least there you know you will be seen. Dialing over and over and waiting online brought me back to the *NSYNC days trying to get tickets. So stressful, I suggest never put yourself in that position.
Around 9:30 at night the site finally said 'no tickets available' and I felt my heart sink. Lil ol' me not going to the most important game of the year? Poppycock I say! I sadly go to bed and as I wake I check online and it says the same thing. I watch that Monday night football with that Favre guy and all I could think about in the back of my head was "Must. Get. Tickets."
I finally grasped onto the fact there is a 1 in a 50,000 plus chance I'll get tickets still. Before I lay my head I check online one more time.....
HOLY CRAP, the ticket selection screen pops up?! It was like seeing color TV for the first time. I pound at my keyboard seeing whats available. Section 141 row 5? I start squealing. I order the tickets. I call my friend, and we celebrate. That night felt like Christmas eve.
Needless to say I am kind of excited for tonight, no matter the outcome this will be a moment I will never forget.
Around 9:30 at night the site finally said 'no tickets available' and I felt my heart sink. Lil ol' me not going to the most important game of the year? Poppycock I say! I sadly go to bed and as I wake I check online and it says the same thing. I watch that Monday night football with that Favre guy and all I could think about in the back of my head was "Must. Get. Tickets."
I finally grasped onto the fact there is a 1 in a 50,000 plus chance I'll get tickets still. Before I lay my head I check online one more time.....
HOLY CRAP, the ticket selection screen pops up?! It was like seeing color TV for the first time. I pound at my keyboard seeing whats available. Section 141 row 5? I start squealing. I order the tickets. I call my friend, and we celebrate. That night felt like Christmas eve.
Needless to say I am kind of excited for tonight, no matter the outcome this will be a moment I will never forget.
Friday, October 2, 2009
You seriously can't count them out.
I swear the Twins have given me more of my fair share of stress ulcers and heart burn. Especially after tonight's game. Lets re cap:
Twins dominate. They take a hold of the Royals and shake them like a salt shaker and/or a Polaroid picture. Manship was the ship(for obvious reasons), and the twins were on the boat. Sailing as free as they can be. Then Manship kind of lost his sails.
Then Jesse Crain proceeded to set fire to the ship, running around drunk and taking an axe at anything vital to keep said ship a float. It worried me greatly as you can tell. And then Jose Mijares obviously forgot that hitting a batter is a bad thing to do. Delmon Young didn't seem to mind this time though. Someone needs to check out Mijares.....I think he might have short term memory loss.
Keppel calmed the fire and Joe Nathan obviously did his "I'm so nervous, OH I walked someone, hehe tying run is at the plate... BAM SIT DOWN BITCH" routine.
Going from 10-0 to 10-1 to 10-7 isn't cute.
I would like to go and say that I was flipping back and forth from the Twins game to the Detroit and Chicago game. I caught myself cheering for the White Sox a couple of times. I want to let you know it doesn't feel good. I felt like I was caught cheating. But it was kinda worth it, seeing Detroit get their asses handed to them.
Tomorrow I'll be going to the game. I expect that I will have my hands by my face a lot. So I'll bring my bottle of purel since there has to be at least 100+ people there with h1n1. Sorry if I just scared the shit out of you but I am just thinking logically. I'm spock.
Random Karlee Twins thought: I love the look and body language of Nick Punto after he bats. He looks like a surprised kitten who just got spooked. Or when Sonic the Hedgehog goes on the ledge of things and he has that "OOOH!" look on his face and hes on his tippy toes? You know exactly what I am talking about.
If you want to meet up with me at the game I'll be the girl in the twins shirt sobbing. I won't be hard to miss, I'll probably be flailing my arms about. Make sure you say hi.
Twins dominate. They take a hold of the Royals and shake them like a salt shaker and/or a Polaroid picture. Manship was the ship(for obvious reasons), and the twins were on the boat. Sailing as free as they can be. Then Manship kind of lost his sails.
Then Jesse Crain proceeded to set fire to the ship, running around drunk and taking an axe at anything vital to keep said ship a float. It worried me greatly as you can tell. And then Jose Mijares obviously forgot that hitting a batter is a bad thing to do. Delmon Young didn't seem to mind this time though. Someone needs to check out Mijares.....I think he might have short term memory loss.
Keppel calmed the fire and Joe Nathan obviously did his "I'm so nervous, OH I walked someone, hehe tying run is at the plate... BAM SIT DOWN BITCH" routine.
Going from 10-0 to 10-1 to 10-7 isn't cute.
I would like to go and say that I was flipping back and forth from the Twins game to the Detroit and Chicago game. I caught myself cheering for the White Sox a couple of times. I want to let you know it doesn't feel good. I felt like I was caught cheating. But it was kinda worth it, seeing Detroit get their asses handed to them.
Tomorrow I'll be going to the game. I expect that I will have my hands by my face a lot. So I'll bring my bottle of purel since there has to be at least 100+ people there with h1n1. Sorry if I just scared the shit out of you but I am just thinking logically. I'm spock.
Random Karlee Twins thought: I love the look and body language of Nick Punto after he bats. He looks like a surprised kitten who just got spooked. Or when Sonic the Hedgehog goes on the ledge of things and he has that "OOOH!" look on his face and hes on his tippy toes? You know exactly what I am talking about.
If you want to meet up with me at the game I'll be the girl in the twins shirt sobbing. I won't be hard to miss, I'll probably be flailing my arms about. Make sure you say hi.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
OMG?
Before you say anything....I know I've been a bad blogger this year. Stop yelling. It hurts my ears.
I have decided I might make a blog with all sports involved. I must admit this but baseball isn't the only sport out there thats worth ranting/bitching/praising. The site will be up shortly :)
Now onto this here beisbol.
This year has been very emotionally draining. From the heart breaking loses to the epic wins. And it's weird to say after all of our bullpen malfunctions we are only 1 game behind first place with only a handful of games left. This is why I love this game, it's almost every day for what it seems half the year then all a sudden the last week is the most stressful thing you've been through since prepping for a colonoscopy (thats how it felt every time I watched Jesse Crain pitch, actually)
Now here I will randomly write out some of my feelings about this year:
- At first, I wanted to strangle Cuddyer with his own lack of confidence at the plate. He was like that girl in school who was nice and charitable and super into team work. But she smelled bad and always somehow ruined your happy with doing things like throwing up on you while in choir practice (never lock your knees), budding in the lunch line and taking the last of the chicken fries, and of course cheating off of your work.
But then years go by after graduating (years are months in baseball) and she's super hot, smells of rich mahogany and is a complete man eater. So I guess what I am trying to say is Cuddyer got hot in the game sense, and noway in the physical. Or he got possessed by the ghost of Kent Hrbek or Count Clutchula turned him into one of his minions. Yes, I just said Count Clutchula. Karlee Kanz 2009. Copyright.
- I still don't know why I keep rooting for Nick Punto, did that sound mean? I didn't mean it to be. He loves the game so much you just want that short shit to succeed at anything he does. That scrappy, bunting, head first sliding sunnuva b. He magical, thats why. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse.
- I don't know if you guys heard about this at all but Joe Mauer is like....super good. He's hitting like .845 or something. And the home runs he's hit this year if you split them in half it is what prior to this year was his career high. ( did I just make your head hurt with that horribly constructed sentence?)
His SLG is .602 and his freaking OPS is 1.047. Seriously, what kind of crazy voodoo rituals has he been doing? Has he been doing them with Vladdy G? Since he is obviously a witch doctor. He is either Iron Man, The Terminator, A Transformer, or a 25/25/25/25 of Nancy Drew, Mcguyver, the ghost from Ghost Writer and The Million Dollar Man.
- Justin Morneau, stop being a big ouchy Canadian. Get better a-sap. Same goes for you Kevin Slowey.
-I felt sick to my stomach when one day I uttered out these words to my friend "I wish Boof Bonser was back"
When it comes down to it I am shocked with the position we are in right now. We deserve it, our team is young and has been through a whole lot and I feel as if they have matured greatly since last year. One thing that worries me is if we do make the playoffs we would be playing the Yankees. But that my friend is a whole other blog post.
Stay classy, Minnesota.
I have decided I might make a blog with all sports involved. I must admit this but baseball isn't the only sport out there thats worth ranting/bitching/praising. The site will be up shortly :)
Now onto this here beisbol.
This year has been very emotionally draining. From the heart breaking loses to the epic wins. And it's weird to say after all of our bullpen malfunctions we are only 1 game behind first place with only a handful of games left. This is why I love this game, it's almost every day for what it seems half the year then all a sudden the last week is the most stressful thing you've been through since prepping for a colonoscopy (thats how it felt every time I watched Jesse Crain pitch, actually)
Now here I will randomly write out some of my feelings about this year:
- At first, I wanted to strangle Cuddyer with his own lack of confidence at the plate. He was like that girl in school who was nice and charitable and super into team work. But she smelled bad and always somehow ruined your happy with doing things like throwing up on you while in choir practice (never lock your knees), budding in the lunch line and taking the last of the chicken fries, and of course cheating off of your work.
But then years go by after graduating (years are months in baseball) and she's super hot, smells of rich mahogany and is a complete man eater. So I guess what I am trying to say is Cuddyer got hot in the game sense, and noway in the physical. Or he got possessed by the ghost of Kent Hrbek or Count Clutchula turned him into one of his minions. Yes, I just said Count Clutchula. Karlee Kanz 2009. Copyright.
- I still don't know why I keep rooting for Nick Punto, did that sound mean? I didn't mean it to be. He loves the game so much you just want that short shit to succeed at anything he does. That scrappy, bunting, head first sliding sunnuva b. He magical, thats why. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse.
- I don't know if you guys heard about this at all but Joe Mauer is like....super good. He's hitting like .845 or something. And the home runs he's hit this year if you split them in half it is what prior to this year was his career high. ( did I just make your head hurt with that horribly constructed sentence?)
His SLG is .602 and his freaking OPS is 1.047. Seriously, what kind of crazy voodoo rituals has he been doing? Has he been doing them with Vladdy G? Since he is obviously a witch doctor. He is either Iron Man, The Terminator, A Transformer, or a 25/25/25/25 of Nancy Drew, Mcguyver, the ghost from Ghost Writer and The Million Dollar Man.
- Justin Morneau, stop being a big ouchy Canadian. Get better a-sap. Same goes for you Kevin Slowey.
-I felt sick to my stomach when one day I uttered out these words to my friend "I wish Boof Bonser was back"
When it comes down to it I am shocked with the position we are in right now. We deserve it, our team is young and has been through a whole lot and I feel as if they have matured greatly since last year. One thing that worries me is if we do make the playoffs we would be playing the Yankees. But that my friend is a whole other blog post.
Stay classy, Minnesota.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Joe Mauer is awesome....totes.
There comes a day when you realize something so profound it just blows you out of the water. Today is that day.
Just kidding it isn't THAT serious, but none the less the post game Joe Mauer interview tugged on here Karlees heart strings a lil bit.
Here is the part where it got to me (I got all the quotes correct, even Mauers Minnesota-isims)
Robbie It's my cow ski: “Joe it was 8 years ago today you were drafted first overall by the Minnesota Twins. Was it a dream come true when you look back at that day and you look at your career whats it been like for you”
And then the one who add's in too many “uhms” “uhh's” and “ya know's” in his vocab (it's the Minnesotan...ya know) goes on to say:
Joe 'I'm the rocket man' Mauer: “Well it doesn't seem that long ago *insert charming smile here* but-uh yeah just an unbelievable day and-uhmm ya know this is where I wanted to be since I was a little kid and ya know that was just the beginning of it and-uh ya know I'm here now and I'm trying to stay here for a while”
And that is where I fell in love with that big goof all over again. People say he's going to be in it for the money once he hits free agency. But he knows his counterpart, compardre and uber Canadian boyfriend Justin Morneau would disown him and that amazing M&M man-love-o-thon would be no more. Also, his mommy would be pissed. We don't want momma Mauer to get ticked off, did you see how serious she was in the Joe Nathan/ Joe Mauer commercial? She means BUSINESS.
So Boston, New York, and yeah even YOU LA. Mauer doesn't want any business with you. He loves Minnesota, his mommy, and his boyfriend way too much to leave. Would you break up Bert and Ernie? Marco and Polo? Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart? Jon and Kate? Kit and Kat? Mike and Ike! NO. NO you wouldn't! Don't mess with perfection. M&M for life. Or, until Mauer actually turns into a crazed ego maniac and plays for the Yankees and crushes my life. But until now, all is good in Hollywood. Or Minnesota, you get it.
Fin.
ps: Sorry I haven't been blogging, my brain has been on overdrive with other such things.
pps: by the way we won in the 10th inning when Joe Nathan sat down Ken-ha-you-didn't-little-big-league-us-tonight-Griffey and Ichiro-yes-my-last-name-is-Suzuki. He struck out Ichiro. STRUCK OUT. I think thats the like 1st time he did it this year...or I can be gravely exaggerating
Just kidding it isn't THAT serious, but none the less the post game Joe Mauer interview tugged on here Karlees heart strings a lil bit.
Here is the part where it got to me (I got all the quotes correct, even Mauers Minnesota-isims)
Robbie It's my cow ski: “Joe it was 8 years ago today you were drafted first overall by the Minnesota Twins. Was it a dream come true when you look back at that day and you look at your career whats it been like for you”
And then the one who add's in too many “uhms” “uhh's” and “ya know's” in his vocab (it's the Minnesotan...ya know) goes on to say:
Joe 'I'm the rocket man' Mauer: “Well it doesn't seem that long ago *insert charming smile here* but-uh yeah just an unbelievable day and-uhmm ya know this is where I wanted to be since I was a little kid and ya know that was just the beginning of it and-uh ya know I'm here now and I'm trying to stay here for a while”
And that is where I fell in love with that big goof all over again. People say he's going to be in it for the money once he hits free agency. But he knows his counterpart, compardre and uber Canadian boyfriend Justin Morneau would disown him and that amazing M&M man-love-o-thon would be no more. Also, his mommy would be pissed. We don't want momma Mauer to get ticked off, did you see how serious she was in the Joe Nathan/ Joe Mauer commercial? She means BUSINESS.
So Boston, New York, and yeah even YOU LA. Mauer doesn't want any business with you. He loves Minnesota, his mommy, and his boyfriend way too much to leave. Would you break up Bert and Ernie? Marco and Polo? Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart? Jon and Kate? Kit and Kat? Mike and Ike! NO. NO you wouldn't! Don't mess with perfection. M&M for life. Or, until Mauer actually turns into a crazed ego maniac and plays for the Yankees and crushes my life. But until now, all is good in Hollywood. Or Minnesota, you get it.
Fin.
ps: Sorry I haven't been blogging, my brain has been on overdrive with other such things.
pps: by the way we won in the 10th inning when Joe Nathan sat down Ken-ha-you-didn't-little-big-league-us-tonight-Griffey and Ichiro-yes-my-last-name-is-Suzuki. He struck out Ichiro. STRUCK OUT. I think thats the like 1st time he did it this year...or I can be gravely exaggerating
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About Me
- Karlee
- Macy's owns my soul. I sling lotions and makeup to make you feel pretty, and smell of gingery goodness. And no, I don't have any samples.
