Opening Day!

Yay, baseball is finally upon us! Celebration is in order. So, I will be writing my random thoughts whilst watching the Yanks and BoSox game tonight. I'll try my hardest (lies) to play nice.


- Jorge Posada looks like a malnourished Gus from Cinderella.

- An open letter to Josh Beckett: Oh hai there just letting you know this isn't spring training. Stop pitching like it is. <3, Karlee.

- Youkillis, you straight up freak me out. From the demonic facial hair to your super awkward batting stance.

- Theo Epstein, you are a sexy man. I naturally like you because I shouldn't because I am a Twins fan. (FACT) I like men I shouldn't. Like Nick Punto.

- Ever wonder where Luis Rodríguez went? CC Sabathia ate him. When nature came-a callin', his 'remains' ended up in Cleveland.

- Lance Bass is Derek Jeters doppelganger, and no that doesn't mean I find him attractive.
(Lance was totally my favorite, he was the shy one <3)

- Seeing CC's (his bra size too, which is weird and kismet-y) leg move up that high makes me not believe in the theory of gravity. I know 'what goes up, must come down' that that thing shouldn't be able to 'go up' in the first place.

- If Paul Revere didn't say "The British Are Coming!" and Papelbon said it instead the quote would of been "Ay...ay yo. All you mother *explicit* those damn brits are coming. They are suuuper pissed about that tea...even two years later! I MEAN COME ON. GET OVER IT."

- I wish I could make fun of the New Era commercial with Evan Longoria in it. But I can't. I simply can't. I love that man.

- Oh, this is weird I haven't brought up how much I loathe Nick Swisher. Hmmm. Interesting.

- News Flash: The Umps are on the Yankees side, yet again. Am I shocked? Hecks to the naw.

- Dude, Dr.Dre and LeBron James? Shut the front door. Compton is going to be very pissed off, Dr.Dre. Eazy-e more than likely thinks its unacceptable that you are a Red Sox fan and will pop a cap in your ass.

- During the off-season I use CC's pants as my yacht cover.

- Nick Swisher, your sideburns are ugly. Stop it. Just stop it.

- Scott Schoeneweis I like your name. Schoeneneneneneneneneweis.

- Double steal? You sneaky bastards, you Yankees. Okay ya know when I always say all they have is power? I lied. I totally lied. Remember that time when Nick Punto over ra---oh...wait I forgot I swore I would never bring that up (ScottyUlllgerrrwhyyyyy!)

- Cheeseburger Cheeseburger beat out Pedroiahhhh tha bahhhstan destroyahh to the bag. Pedroia is full of anger salad. Cheeseburger Cheeseburger is full of ham that Mark Teixeira just fed him for a job well done.

-Joe Girardi should of gone the "Miley Cyrus" way and got himself some invisaligns. You straight up look like a creeper.

-Joe Morgan thinks it's faster to slide into first than running through it. Nick Punto, Joe Morgan...Joe Morgan, Nick Punto. Now that the introductions are out of the way, this is when you two become best of friends forever.

rain rain go away!

So tomorrow will be the first game the MN Twins will play in their band-spankin-new baseball stadium. And in Minnesota fashion we will welcome them with inclement weather. I know, it sucks that it's going to rain but just think back about a month ago when we thought they'd be playing in 40 degree weather. Scared that it might snow. I'd take a nice thunderstorm in the 60s-70s any day. Well...except for tomorrow. I'd totally like it if it wouldn't rain.


Here is my only reason I am pro rain. Waterlogged baseball players.
Yes. Oh yes.

But here is the one huge issue, when on home soil Nick Punto cannot get wet nor be fed Swedish Fish past the fourth inning. And with the weather maps I have been looking at, the rain will come down hard possibly around then. And you know what Nicky Punto does when he is bored? He snacks on gummied goods. And what does he turn into exactly if he gets rained on or snacks after the 4th inning? Nobody knows, but I have a good idea of what he'd look like:



The great long eared Jerboa. It's fast, it burrows (head first, naturally) and jumps crazy heights for being so tiny. Sounds familiar? Exactly.

Target Field is not picture perfect.

I recently went down to Target Field to take a looksie, I wanted to take in every single aspect of the park, even reading the funny signs on the "trash only" trash cans. On my adventure I found something pretty interesting.

The beautiful limestone, all the windows shiny clean. The plaza looks like a picture, no trash or cigarette butts anywhere. The pennants on the fence, and that massive bronze glove still shining in the spring sunshine. Everything is situated perfectly, just awaiting on thousands of fans to come and enjoy every minute of it.

I go towards the new Twins shop and venture inside checking it out then I walk out, then I see the Stadium rules posted.



uh oh.
Super bad typo. Unless there is a thing called "affectio" I think I'll call the stadium tomorrow and point that out. How embarrassing would that be? You're welcome, MN Twins for being an obsessive OCD type of person checking out EVERYTHING.

A weight has lifted off of me

FINALLY.


Joe Mauer has signed an 8 year 184 million dollar contract extension. I shall celebrate and eat cookies and milk, since that is more than likely the way he will be celebrating too. Then getting his hair cut by his dad. But I will totally not let my father go near my hair.


HUZZAH, MN TWINS FANS. WE GOT EM!

Baseball is this years "Boy Band"

Every so often people try to market things to see if people will get interested. Just tossing a line out there waiting for a bite.

This is what Victoria's Secret is doing. Starting today over 100 stores in the states in which the teams they picked (Angels, Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, Mets, Padres, Phillies, Red Sox, Twins, White Sox and Yankees.) will start selling their line of merchandise of shirts, pants, accessories and such to the masses. I see what they are doing here.

They are gearing it towards teenagers and young adults which is totally fine but to me they are selling out the whole aspect of baseball and what it actually means. Most men think women like baseball strictly for the baseball-ass and the cute players. That is truly just a plus but not near the main reasons we like baseball. We like baseball the same reason you males like baseball, and to tell you the truth I have won many baseball arguments, and it feels amazing showing a guy who's boss.

And to tell you the truth when it comes to making baseball merchandise for women the MLB marketing team has hit a brick wall. They don't know what to do, they tried the whole "lets make pink jerseys because ALL GIRLS like pink, right?" and well, a select few girls around the age of 15 bought those jerseys.

The idea is a good one, using a store where only women shop, with sayings on the shirts that say "love love love Twins" and "I only kiss Yankees fans" and may I point out that A: putting something like that on the shirt doesn't scream out "I'm a -insert team name here- fan" it screams out "I like heightening my chances of getting herpes or mono" and B: who'd kiss a Yankee fan? Am I being a little bit brash? Why yes I am but you come to this blog to see me lash out on innocent people. It's what I do.

Alyssa Milano is an example of something that was cute for a second but then came obnoxious. No I do not want Padre's jeans with their logo on my ass, thank you very much. I want a cute hoodie that isn't too bulky with a bit of a stretch to it to form to my womanly figure. I also like vintage looking shirts. They sure did a very good job making this one:


It's cute, nice colors, and has that vintage feel to it.

I am Karlee, I am a woman. I love baseball and I don't need to tell men I like kissing Twins fans, I think that is just a give in anyways. I don't need to parade around with a billboard on my body saying so. I'll be fine with my vintage t-shirts and my loud mouth, thank you very much.


/ Women's lib.

Nick Punto: It was an F-up.

I sit here listening to the twins game on the radio, Gordon and Dazzle blabbering about things only Dazzle and Gordon would talk about, sounding awkward reading out stats, half of the time Gordon failing at saying them correctly. And Dazzle trying to sound smart. All a sudden out of nowhere Nick Punto hits the ball, FAR and STOPS, I repeat, STOPS at third base to get a triple.


This is where I flat out and predict something super ballsy. Nick Punto will get 2 home runs this year. Yes, I know.... you are thinking "Karlee whoa whoa whoa, hold on wait a tick..." but hear me out. He didn't over run third base, this shows me that he has more patience. He hit it off of the wall which also shows me that he's been eating his Wheaties.
Whenever I looked at him last year I saw him as the little engine that could. Now I see him as Bill Pullman in Independence Day, constantly being super awesome and doing Herb Brooks** type speeches before blasting aliens (balls) into the orbit. And he look totally attractive doing it too. Just like Bill Pullman does, mmmm.

So my rant comes down to this, him running past third was truly a mistake, for a minute there I bet you all thought he was secretly out to sabotage the team and rip everybody's heart strings out and eat them like a plate a spaghetti with a nice wine glass full of your tears, followed by spongecake soaked in your sorrow.

So I say, Go Go Gadget Punto!


**: There is this cute thing on youtube of a mini Herb Brooks. I wanted to point out that it is physically impossible for there to be a mini Nick Punto. I'm serious. Don't even attempt to imagine it. Cannot happen.

That is it, I am putting out a missing persons ad.

CHARTREUSE ALERT(since amber is kind of a boring color):

I have come to believe that we have lost half of Delmon Young. I don't know where he went. And I don't know how to feel about this cyborg body he left behind, all I know is that it must be an impostor. Last time he was seen his booty was very ghetto in left field. Somebody find him, and tell him that dinner is ready, DELMON!

-insert witty photoshop picture of Delmon on a side of a milk carton-

Say it ain't so Joe!

As we all know Joe Nathan has suffered a torn ligament in his throwing arm. My first response wasn't "Oh we are screwed" I genuinely felt bad for the guy. He won't be able to play in the new stadium, he has been an amazing pitcher and this shows how precious an opportunity to play a sport is. It can last a matter of years and then abruptly just stop.

I have the bad feeling this might be a career ending injury. Most of the time when a pitcher tears a UCL there is a very small chance they will be back to how they used to preform. We could only hope he is as lucky as Liriano or Rivera.

Now on to the people that would possibly replace him.

We have Pat Neshek, we all know he is good but he himself is still getting back to 100%
I think our best bet is either Jon Rauch or yes, I am about to say this, Jesse Crain.


Now lets think about what their walk on songs would be.

Pat Neshek would more than likely have something like Chiodos, Old Avenged Sevenfold, All That Remains, In Flames, Lamb Of God, Norma Jean...I can go on. All I know is that it would be BAD-ASS.

Jon Rauch? I have a feeling it would be about the same, but possibly more scary and bad-ass.

Jesse Crain would probably play Nickelback. And that just straight up angers me. Do not want.

All I know is that I will still stand up and shout, and I shall miss your deep exhales and twitching. Let's hope the surgery does wonders.

Things I will miss about the Dome

Here is a tiny little list of the things I will actually miss at the dome.

10. I'll miss when you walk out of those doors they try so hard to keep closed after games. When you do it RIGHT after the game you will seriously face plant from all the built up air pressure. It's fabulous and worth the amount of the ticket you paid for. If we lost and I went through that door, it put a smile on my face right away. It's the little things in life. Especially when people wear hats and don't remember the intense wind blowing they are about to encounter. Visually awesome.

9. I'll miss the loading dock, easy access. One time I went down to get an application and ran into Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan. Acting innocent, dense and unawares (side note: I am very good at those three things) and not wearing a twins shirt at a game can get you places, people.

8. I'll miss that big white bubbly marshmallow roof of doom. I remember when I went to game 163 it was literally raining inside. And lucky me I was near one of the raining patches in the roof. Good idea Twins for deciding to move. That roof isn't going to last much longer.

7. I'll miss how easy it was to sneak down to better seats.

6. I'll miss college night. So many beach balls.....so many.

5. I will miss the third base line seats, I really did enjoy sitting sideways in an obnoxiously small seat, it's almost as calming as listening to the ocean.

4. I will miss the Hormel Dog's "Row of Fame" song. Today they announced they will no longer be serving their hot dogs. My heart? Yeah it's totally broken.

3. Going along with the last one, I'll miss dollar dome dog Wednesdays. I don't think I missed one Wednesday last year. I love me some dollar dogs what can I say. Don't judge me. It was more like 50% Relish 50% bread and hot dog. Okay now you can judge me.

2. I'll miss that huge milk jug where they decided to put the live broadcasting for FSN by the right field. That's where Justin Morneau used to sleep. (in my imaginary world)

1. .........remember Tommy Watkins? Hahahaha, Sorry.
Anyways the one thing I will really truly miss is the magic that went on in there, and that I have been going there my whole life. When the Twins came back to town after clinching the AL pennant in 87 I was almost 2 years old but all I remember is walking up a ton of stairs with my parents and grandmother, and thinking WOW this is loud. I wouldn't be lying if I said I think that is my first real memory of my life.
I think that is why Baseball hits home so much with me, I will really truly miss that crappy stadium. But we have a brand new stadium where new memories will be made. Maybe when I have a kid, she or he can experience the magic that I did. Only one can hope because it made me a life-time fan and lover of this sport.

Vancouver 2010 Olympics.

I dove myself into the deep vast world of winter sports the past 9 days and I sat down and thought to myself "I wonder what sport Joe Mauer would do in the Winter Olympics" and then my brain decided I should write about my thoughts. We all know that is kinda frightening when things like that happen. But you have been warned.



Nick Punto:
We all know LNP, he loves to go fast and head first. His most natural choice for winter sport would be the skeleton. I wouldn't mind seeing him on his stomach in a skin tight uniform. Really, I wouldn't mind at all.

Pat Neshek:
He's kind of a spazz, so I would go on and peg him as freestyle skiing aerials or ski jumping. I could see him flying in the air. Now shut your eyes and imagine it. See?

Justin Morneau:
This one is way too easy, and frankly it pisses me off. Obviously he'd be a Hockey Player cause he's Canadian and he'd be awesome as usual blah blah blah. With his stoic like presence at the plate I'd pick him to be in male figure skating. So full of grace, you are my little syrup sucker.

Joe Mauer:
I'm stumped. This is sad. Okay, here is this if Morneau didn't do figure skating or hockey him and said Joe Mauer would totally be two man louge. We all know why. Don't fight it, they sure as heck don't. Accept the man love and embrace it.

Jon Rauch:
I think we would have to make up a new winter olympic sport for this man. I'd call it "icicle tossing" it's where he runs out into the wilderness only equipt with a bottle of blackberry brandy, and icicles the size of baseball bats and you just let him go wild, and for example he brings back a deer, more protein and Deer jerkey for team USA!

Kevin Slowey: He's adorable, likable and always seems he'd be up for a hug. So he's our Lindsey Vonn. Because on the outside he looks gentle and innocent and cute but on the inside, and on the mound he is a BEAST.

Michael Cuddyer: ...............Curling. Thats all I got. I'm sorry. He uses his boom stick, now he can use his sweepy stick.