Good ol' LNP.
Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways, 50 reasons why I love you, and all the cute things you do:
50. Last name is Punto. I mean really. Automatic win.
49. You keep me excited and on the edge of my seat awaiting your first and only home run per year.
48. I love how you are more of a mascot of the team than TC. But don't tell him that.
47. I swear you go up to the mound just to call the pitcher "sport" or say something cute like "cheer up butter cup, here's some razzles!"
46. You, by far have the best walk on songs ever. Rooney's Shaking and MJ's Thriller. But anyone has better taste in music than Joe Mauer.
45. You are probably the only guy on the team other than Livan Hernandez that actually enjoyed the sleeveless jerseys. And I love you for that
44. You love for Swedish Fish. So do I.
43. Your puppy dog eyes, no wonder Gardy can't yell at you.
42. The whole "is he half man half mystical creature"-ness of you.
41. You took a fist in the face from Torii Hunter.
40. Loves the fact that Nick Nelson from Nick's Twins Blog (link located on the right) brought up to me that if you google image search Nick Punto, a picture of me pops up. You have made me in some way famous. So I love you.
39. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse. Valid reason to love someone.
38. His blood is kool-aid and his insides are made of candy. Sure sounds tasty. And easy to love.
37. If you know me by now you will know my #1 reason why I love him. But I will start off and say that I love his thighs, those short thighs that looked SO CUTE in the powder blue throw backs. He looked like a 12 year old boy in his dads baseball uniform.
36. Still thinks he slept in a car bed as a small child. And I bet he had CB radios to speak to other car beds. And for that reason? More love.
35. His eyelashes are as pretty as lashes on an Emu/Ostrich. Or Richard Alpert from LOST. Yeah I went there.
34. Thinks it's adorable that you make slushee/slurpees for Justin Morneau. It's actually borderline way too cute. Puppies and Kittens snuggling in a bed of sleeping baby chicks kinda cute.
33. I like how he look like a 15 year old boy doing a presentation about the glorious and gentle Sperm Whale whenever getting interviewed.
32. The piranha commercial with Jason Bartlett. Love.
31. Your non-baseball attire. You are classy as shit, You don't dress like you are from Oregon or that your parents still dress you and think you are in 7th grade. Kind of how Joe Mauer dresses. And you don't wear affliction t shirts that I have seen, like Cuddyer and Kubel. So no need to feel the urge to curb stomp you to smithereens.
30. You are short, so am I. Let's be friends.
29. You have a messed up way of making people feel bad that they are mad that you aren't doing good. I feel like a father who has faith in said son and all he wants is him to do well, KNOWS you have it in you but you are in a rut. Get out of it! Make me proud son!
28. I'm sorry about the last reason, I freaked myself out there. Nicky wouldn't of been scared, he's never scared.
27. If Chuck Norris tried to round house kick Nick Punto in the face, Nick Punto would headfirst slide into his chest and make him automatically implode.
26. If Chuck Norris tried to punch Nick Punto with his third fist that is located under his beard, Nick Punto would tell Gardy, and Gardy would scare the shit out of Chuck Norris bringing him back to the time he was 5 when Santa Claus yelled at him for roundhouse kicking an elf, and run away.
25. I bet Nick Punto is manly enough to go to the vagina monologues and speak about how much of a vagina Nick Swisher is. Wait I shouldn't speak about my dreams. But I love him all the same.
24. For some reason whenever I see Alan from the Hangover, I think of you. Why? I'd love to know. Maybe because he is child-like, awkwardly innocent acting but just wants hookers and blow? I truly don't know. But I love you for it.
23. I want to state that Nick Punto does not want hookers and blow. He wants firm hugs and pixi stix, and love.
22. I would like to state that I would love you more if you would be a guest on Yo GabbaGabba.
21. The picture of you biting the bat, when you were with the phillies. Thank you.
20. Loves the pictures I see of you, you are either parallel to the ground, standing on your head, or look like a big ball of tiny fury. All of them equally as entertaining and lovingly adored by me.
19. Loves how you taunt the pitcher when you are on second, I mean really? Stop being cocky. Wait no don't it's cute.
18. He does not run on a flux capacitor, he runs on gummied treats. How can you NOT love that.
17. You like to smack ass almost as much as Brett Favre. And I love me some Brett Favre. So that's an automatic super love-a-thon.
16. You look up Scrappy in the dictionary and a picture of you shows up. Looking scrappy. I love how you play, I bet you have "final countdown" in your head whenever you are up to bat. Cause I always sing it out loud at the games.
15. Loves seeing you run so fast your helmet falls off of your head. I always make the Million Dollar Man sound whenever you run.
14. You never give up, even when you should. I'd never want to play any board game with you.
13. Loves that you bunt with a 3-2 count. Wait. I don't love that, wtf Nick?
12. Knows you love that Ozzie Guillen wants to have your love child, along with Morneaus. Sorry but that would be one very ugly, loud, bi polar child with Canadian influences. Like the late night craving for moose blood and maple syrup.
11. Loves how in game 163 you hit that single and I sobbed like I just won a million dollars.
10. Loves that you seriously like everyone, and it seems you always say yes. This might come in handy. Mental note taken.
9. Knows you were probably scared of Sidney Ponson. I was scared of him. I have never come across a person who said "by golly, I sure liked that creepy slimey looking epic fail from Aruba." No don't bring me to Aruba. I want to go to Cocomo.
8. I like it when you don't over run bases and get out. I love it when you don't do that. A shit ton.
7. Loves that you defy gravity. You are 5'8 yet you can jump twice your height it seems. A cat-like feature I wish to posses.
6. I love the way you look like a surprised fuzzy animal whenever a ball is thrown inside. You then look at the ump in your best innocent look and probably say something like "he's twying to hurteded me's"
5. I love you so much if you were on Dr.Phil I'd watch it. You'd probably be on it to talk to him about being addicted to sliding head first into first base. You live on the edge, sir. I still don't see how that is faster than feet first. You need to be on sports science and prove to the world the Nicky Punto way is the right way indeed.
4. Loves that you work out with David Ortiz during the off season, or at least used to. The visual alone makes me laugh.
3. Likes that you are #8. Naturally my favorite number along side #4. And yes you are one more number awesome-er than Joe Mauer.
2. Loves how fast you run, I want to jump on your back and tell you to go 88 mph so we can go back to the future.
1. I love your back side. I love that ass. I can see it from 200 yards away. You are the reason that the Home Run Porch was the best place to sit. And thirdbase line when you used to play the hot corner. You played the hot corner because you are hot. Simply put. Nick Punto is a gamer. Nick Punto is a mans man. Nick Punto is you, Nick Punto is me. Nick Punto is that dude from V for Vendetta. He is all that is good in the world, so today we salute you, tiny hustling scrappy son of a bitch. I raise my glass to you, GOOD DAY SIR.
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