Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Craig Monroe

I bet you are just as confused as I am.
Do you even have a position to play?

Knowing the twins you'll end up at 3rd.

Is it just me or does anyone else RLY want Jacoby Ellsbury.

Can't we get Adrian Peterson to play CF?

(id love if someone put a twins hat on his head and see how AWESOME IT WOULD LOOK..photoshop your tails off kids!)

Now for something completely different:

The highly anticipated (by some) Mitchell Report is scheduled to be released this Thursday.
Heres the run down if you have NO clue what I'm talking about.....
He has a list of guys who hit the juice.
The "this stuff makes me angry quick" stuff..
Ya know...ROIDS.
And no not the kind Joe Mauer has.
I'm talking bout HGH...the human growth hormone.

It has up to 80 players names past and present.
Do you think if they publicly release this list, it can ruin the whole aspect and the love of the game that is baseball?
I know a lot of people want to know, but at the same time if you saw a "cal ripken jr" on there or a "ken griffey jr" I'd get quite sad.

News Break: Snoop Dogg plays a keytar in his new music video. AWE-SOME-NESS.

coming up at 10:00: Papelbon: hip white boy, a-d-d ridden oversized 4th grader,Ortiz's conscience or lord of the dance?

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Sunday, December 9, 2007

skol vikings

You guys won 4 in a row.
Breaking records left and right like its no biggie.
Adrian Peterson being Adrian Peterson.
A MN team doing good, but we all know when it gets super serious you'll choke.
Thats the MN sports way of life, haha.

And Bob Costas. Please don't be the broadcaster for the olympics on 08 again....
I don't like you. At all.

Tiki Barber.

Monday, December 3, 2007

steinbrenner: kinda sucks at pog

I sit here shaking in my boots.(I would if I had any on, that is) eating a piece of birthday pumpkin pie...yes yes I know my b day is tomorrow *COUGH* listening to the beatles non-stop awaiting the news if Billy Smith decided to take the Yankees deal. this pie is good.
Oh can I just say how immature this whole trading "business" thing is?
It just reminds me of when I used to play pogs......

Steinbrenner: "I'll give you my penguin and transformers pogs for your Venezuelan flag SLAMMER!"

Smith:"oh no..I like my slammer. I know I should keep it but maybe if you toss in the free willy pog..."

Steinbrenner:"OH that is shenanigans! I JUST GOT IT and its working out well for me, thank you."
Smith:"well the only slammer you had retired because it was all cracked and the fun metallic design was rubbed should of thrown it away and not play it until it decided to leave on its own" (hint: I wonder which Yankee I'm talking about here..if you cant follow along, I'm sorry it just won't be funny)

*red headed step child walks up holding pog cases FULL of slammers and pogs, every child in the 90s would be jealous. If they cared*HEY YOU GUYS WANNA GIVE ME THINGS!?!?! I Know I already have everything and I truly don't need your help..but you billy smith..YOU have a slammer I WANT..give me your Venezuelan flag slammer! I'll give you some new pogs I got which might help you, but who knows..."

Steinbrenner: UGH...BE QUIET I DON'T LIKE YOU..*huffs* well my deal is better if you dont decide by lunch period WE ARE SO OVER. *stomps off*

To be continued......
Will Little Stieny get what he wants?
Or will the Red Headed step child step in and punch Steiny in the grill?
Or will Little Billy Smith pack up his pogs realizing he has the ultimate pogslammer.

up next:
Wheres waldo-santana?
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Looks like joe joe knows.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Anger has gotten the best of me

Bill Smith,

At first I thought you were insane. Some of my posts weren't thought through first. I was full of angst.I still think your a little off your rocker though...sorry.
We all were shocked since we have been so used to Terry Ryan. Aka Mr.We-dont-need-to-trade-because-our-farm-system-is-awesome.

I like your sass.
You make the off season interesting again.
But please, don't go overboard.

Don't go all "mn timberwolves" on us please.

Thanks much,

Boyz II Men makes Karlee sad

In the words of one of the best "boy bands" of the 90's.
"it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterdayyy-eeee"

Jason Alan Bartlett,

I know I called you Butterfinger Bartlett, but that doesn't mean I didn't like you.
I know you'll have a good time at Tropicana Field. Wanna know why I know? Remember this commercial?

Yes..I know you do. WELL since you love swimming with underwater creatures. Tropicana Field SURE has a surprise for you Barty!

(Nick Punto not included, sold separately)

YES, Tropicana Field has Stingray tank where you can *gasp* touch them.
And it's right behind the right center field wall.
And if you hit a homerun into the tank you get to donate money to your favorite charity!

I would love to see some crazy fan try to jump into the tank to get the home run ball. Is that bad? Barty you better not do that. Please don't pull a Irwin, got it?
Play nice.

I'll miss you dearly, take care of lil' Garza for us. And I know I know..we all wanted Rincon to join you too.



PS: For momma call it the Thunderdome, and not Tropicana Field.
It just sounds WAY more bad-ass. Say it outloud. Yeah. Awesome.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dear Twins Territory,


Is there even going to be a team next year?

Torii leaves.
Now The whole Santana trade talks.
Now possibly Nathan would be apart of it too? Since we haven't locked him down yet.
Also Boof maybe going to Tampa?
And then this crazy rumor(I repeat rumor, this would never happen) about Morneau to the Angels for Casey Kotchman and Ervin Santana?

What what what?!

So trade the best closer and pitcher in all of mlb.
Thats sure a HUGE upgrade.
And then toss in the 2006 mvp.

I don't think Torii needs a punching bag in cali. He can just smack up Vladdy. (punching bag: Morneau, but really Nick would have to be behind him the whole time)

"I think it's important to the fans to have a good team in 2010 but, despite the changes that have been made recently, we're not giving up on 2008 and 2009," said Smith, who wouldn't comment on specific trade talks. "We are continuing to pursue deals that makes this organization stronger and better, short term and long term."

You have balls.
Okay then keep one of the best pitchers in baseball?
How about that? I think that would make us stronger.
Unless Santana keeps on slowly turing into Radke jr giving away homeruns.
Yes yes I know we have Neshek to be a closer. But really. Nathan too? COME ON.

I loved the 2007 team, minus casilla,ortiz,ponson...i can go on but you know what I mean.

This off season is making my head hurt.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Torii, a Halo

SO long sweet cheeks.
Its official the seven time gold glove winner took the highest bidder (a nice cool 90 million) and signed with the Los Angels Angels of Anaheim. Yikes that's a mouthful. And isn't it just such a coincidence that our home opener is against the halos?
This came out of left field, all of us were thinking White Sox or Rangers. But the Angels? I guess they know how to reel em' in. Not to jump at first but to wait and watch other teams make an ass out of themselves then finally set something on the table SO HUGE who would in their right mind refuse such an offer?

We all wish he would of pulled a Kirby Puckett and settle for something less to stay with the team he loved. But he isn't Kirby. I can try to think of something sweet and simple to say about this. But all I can really think about is this quote:

"We shocked the world. Now I'm an Angel. I'm going to hopefully finish my career as a Halo, and hopefully get about three [World Series] rings out of this thing."

Doesn't it just make you want to cheer for the twins even harder? Wouldn't it be the best if in 08' the twins win the world series?
That would be the biggest "ahh..touche" in all of sports history. (not)

Goodbye Torii, you gave us memories we'll never forget, we had some good times and some bad times but all in all it was an honor to see you walk into center field every game, knowing we'll see some magic out there.

Friday, November 16, 2007

When you least expect it

Some news worth smiling for.

Nick Blackburn is 4-0 with a 1.64 ERA in six starts for the Phoenix Desert Dogs in the Arizona Fall League.

There was something about him when he got called up to the bigs.
No it wasn't the fact that he looks freakishly like Joe Mauer.
Haha I'm kidding.
He did good at first but then kinda well, not so good during the end of his stint.

He is as the awesomely awesome Bert Blyleven says a "youngster"
Got ahead of himself. Ya know..those "youngsters" have all that pent up "OMG IM IN THE BIGS MUST THROW HARD" feeling.

I would love to see him in the starting rotation, there is just something about him.

yum yum yum.

My top 5 "guys I am excited to watch" next year:

5. Jose Morales
-The first, and only game he played he did an amazing job. I was quite impressed and shocked. But an injury put him on the DL. Let's hope he can keep healthy so we can see what he REALLY can do.

4. Nick Punto
-This past season was something all twins fans would love to forget. And I bet he feels the same way. But he seems like the kind of guy who isn't good with failure and will try his best to show people he's better. So I'm excited to see him prove himself to the nay sayers.

3.Johan Santana
-Since it could possibly be his last season. Suspect me to be at every "Johan Santana Show" at the dome in 08

2.Garret Jones
-He has some power but he needs to work on ya know, hitting the ball. He has some positives about him and I think he has what it takes. He just needs to get more comfortable at the plate.

1.Our pitching line up
-I have a feeling it will be amazing in 08. If Liriano is better, I'm calling we're playoff bound. Hell I think we are regardless if we have him in the line up or not. But first our betting line up needs to learn how to hit with consistancy.

Up next:
Top (?) guys I'm not excited to see.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Hey Torii, uh.

"I've talked to Torii about that," Monroe said. "We've always talked about playing together. Now I have a chance to be Twin and there's a chance [Hunter] is leaving. I'm tugging at him [to stay] but I wish the best for him and his family."

Twins are hoping Monroe will produce closer to his 2006 season, when he batted .255 with 28 homers and 92 RBI with Detroit.

"That's my boy," Hunter said. "I can't believe they picked him up."'

The business side of baseball, however, supersedes friendships. Hunter hasn't had any contract discussions with the Twins since late in the regular season.

Hunter said Tuesday that six to 10 teams are interested in him. And his decision to remain with the Twins also depends on which direction the club is headed.

"Trading for Craig is not going to get me back there." Hunter said. "[The trade] looks good, I can tell you that. But that's not all of it. Can you guarantee that Johan [Santana] is going to be back? Joe Nathan? There's other stuff right now.

"But it's open. It's time to talk."

Trading for Craig WILL get you back there.
Does Torii Hunter realize who owns the team?
Does he realize he doesn't shell out money just to keep the big names?
Since ya know, we have SO MANY rising stars.
Because Sidney Ponson did so good for us last year.

Is it just me or whenever I read Torii Hunter quotes I feel as if he's talking down to me, like I'm stupid.


SO heres the deal.
If you don't sign the big names on this team for long term deals, and if you don't attempt to get a power bat Torii will leave.

But if you DO those things. He'll stay.

So which one would make the team better?
Make the new stadium sell out?

Dear Carl Pohlad,

*smack* WAKE UP.

Karlee, and probably the rest of the twins fans.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Torii and friends

So we are trading "someone to be named at a later time" to aquire Craig Monroe from the Cubs.

"Monroe, 30, batted .219 with 12 homers and 59 RBIs in time split between Detroit and the Cubs." want a Nick Punto 06' that can hit home runs.
Wait so that means..Rondell White.

I think they brought him over here since he's bffs with Torii.
Maybe saying "HEEEEEY, you work out with him and probably do bbqs in Texas with him during the off season, wouldn't it just be GRAND for you two to play with eachother? AW OMG please stay were falling apart here!"


Can't we get a player
Oh no we can't. This is the Twins we're speaking of.
And I swear if they trade Jason Kubel for him..I'll have issues.
Hell, I'll have issues if they trade even Jason Tyner.
I said it.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Don't shoot the wishful thinking girl.

Okay so I was sitting here thinking of what we should do this off season besides playing too much D&D online with Lew Ford because we all miss him secretly.

I've been hearing the Mets might want A-rod.
Then I realized "....then where would Dwright go?"
(I already have a nickname for him, gross)
Then I thought "we need a 3rd basemen"
Then I kept on thinking how they wanted Johan Santana.

That got me to eventually thinking if needed we could trade good ol' Santana for David Wright.

But here's the thing. I don't want world war 3 to go off in New York.
The Mets/Yanks rivalry would go to its ultimate peak and
the ice caps will melt from all the angst/hate/disgust in the air.

I'm not complaining.
I love Johan and all.
But we do have a lot of good young pitchers.
It would be sad to see him go.
But if Torii goes might as well just break our hearts two times right?

And if metsgrrl knew I had a blog. And saw this. She might want to shank me. Possibly. BUT ILY. But I might love DW more.

And as for the center field position..Coco Crisp.
(I personally like him for his mo effing awesome name..we'd have a boof and a coco. It's like mac and cheese..perfect)
If we get a good 3rd basemen hitter(I.E David Wright) we don't have to worry about how Coco Crisp isn't the best at hitting. He can hit but he isn't a Torii Hunter.
BUT He's younger, can run as fast as a gazelle. I think it could work.
Or Punto can play CF. I mean why not. Really.

And our dh?
Oh shit we let go of Lew Ford didn't we?
I mean the idea of Bonds would be nice. I mean hello he can hit.
But hes a showboat and kind of a prick.

And we ALL know the Twins aren't about being prick-like.
Well..uh..not ALL the time.
They aren't pricky. More-so 6th grade whiney.
They are loving and snuggly.
I bet they have sleep-overs and talk about girls,baseball,cars, and boobs.

Bonds goes to fancy clubs and drinks the blood of deer while snorting lines of HGH.

And I will say it one more time.
I do not like Alexi Casilla.

The End.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Hey you guys.

I miss baseball.
And once I started to get into the wild they ended up showing us that all MN teams do good then all a sudden go into a wind whirl of suckness. Is Juan Rincon playing for you guys now? Or Ponson? Ortiz?

I might be going to the game tonight.
Don't lose.
But I do like seeing fights.
Maybe someone can pull a happy gilmore and take off their skate and chase someone around saying he's going to "cut-a bitch".
I'd personally would like to see Bouchard do that.
He seems like the type you really don't want to mess with.
And ANY...I repeat ANY hockey player who is 23 and has his head shaved means business.
And you should be scared.
VERY scared.

And Belanger is like the hockey fans Joe Nathan.
And Brian Rolston is Karlees Nick Punto. In Hockey form. And 430948 years older.
Except he's good.
Okay that was harsh, yet true.
There's always next year.

Next blog post it will have some substance to it. I promise. Okay?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

aren't you just the sweetest guy in the world.

"Teams have an exclusive 15-day negotiating period with pending free agents before the market officially opens Nov. 13, but Hunter said, "I don't think there's going to be any negotiations."

Asked which side had halted the talks, Hunter said, "I think it was more me telling them."

Thanks for breaking everyones heart with those snotty remarks.
You are old.
You aren't new anymore.
You will not get the money you want.
You and A-rod should go to "I'm in denial because I think I'm better than I actually am SO I deserve 100 million a week" meetings.

OH Yeah Hunter.
MY ASS it isn't about the money.
It is.

"He did not rule out a return to the Twins.

"They might want to see what other teams offer and then get back to me," he said."

YOU are SO confusing.
But I still kind of like you.
I don't know why.
Ohhh..sweet cheeks.

Monday, October 29, 2007



Like we didn't see this coming.
Torii Hunter and Carlos Silva filed for free agency today (monday)
We have 15 days to negotiate.

Lets see.

I'm speaking of the Twins organization here.
So that means Torii Hunter and Carlos Silva won't be playing for us next year.

Other players filing for free agency include:

Alex Rodriguez, Luis Castillo, Shannon Stewart, Doug Mientkiewicz, Corey Koskie, Sean Casey and Kerry Wood.

Wouldn't you LOL your ass off if we tried to get Castillo back. I sure as hell would. It wouldn't happen but, ya know. Oh. Dougy. Come back plz. And Koskie. YOU TOO. oh oh ohohoh shannon stewart I miss you also.

All I have to say is.
We are screwed.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I'll take CURT SCHILLING for 500, Alex.

WHY are you on Jeopardy!?
GET OFF MY TV. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
YOU are not apart of the clue crew. OUT! NOW!

Matt Holliday,

Oh I just wanted to remind you that your in the world series.


Oh side note: I think Alex Trebek is an annoying ass.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Tweak! <3

We're picking up his 6 mil option for the 08 season.
*rubs hands together*

Joe Nathan says:
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Beauty And The Beast

Beauty= The Rockies. B/c OMGZ Kaz is such a stud LOL. :|
Beast= The Red Sox. Need I say more?


Image and video hosting by TinyPic got their Image and video hosting by TinyPic handed to them on a Image and video hosting by TinyPic
(yes the paper kind)
And Karlee kinda Image and video hosting by TinyPic
until she thought that
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Kinda looked like chris kirkpatrick from nsync. And is probably part cyborg alien. Or something not from earth. He's a creep. A big creepy creep.

Oh yeah.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Jeff Cirillo

Nice bloop single there last night against the Rockies.
Too bad nobody brought you home.
Did you start getting deja vu?
Thinking you were playing for the twins again?
I kinda did..I started to scream:
"goddamnit Nick Punto bring him home..or are you going to hit a lazy fly ball to left field! HUH!"

Then I realized I was watching the Rockies/d-backs game.
(sarcasm? If ANY have not caught on to my dry humor.)

But I was still waiting for Joe Mauer to walk up to plate to inevitably hit into a double play.
I was anticipating the lovely running skills of Micheal Cuddyer.
Stop leaning so clucking far off first base.
You get picked off as easy as I am to get in bed with.
I was yearning for the horrible mistakes Jason Bartlett tends to run into.
BEGGING to see Nick Punto be horrible at bat. Yet amazing on the field. And realizing how much of a bad-ass he was in 06. Remember that? I sure as hell do.
But you don't. Because he was sucking more than debbie in 07.
Debbie..she did Dallas. Literally. You don't get it? Good.You aren't a creep like me.
(gotta love that there sarcasm.)

Minnesota Twins,

I already miss you. So this off-season I will probably be picking you apart to the point I'll sound like I hate all of you. But really. I'm just trying to pass time until next season. Then I'll have more reasons to laugh,cry,smile,drink,harpoon.

el-o el-o el-o el-o VEE EEE,

Friday, October 12, 2007

Oh, Lew Ford.

So you don't want to play in the minor leagues for us?
So your a free agent now eh?
I wonder which team would pick you up.

Just out of being random I'll go with the Montreal expos.
Wait. They aren't a team anymore?
Well Lew Ford you are here-by(circled)screwed.
It's okay Halo 3 came out, you'll be so pre occupied with that to even care whats going on with your free agency.

But you don't have to worry, you'll be picked up...right?
Who would turn down a level 15 dwarf wizard with x2 charm spells?

On a good note the Pear King Jason Bartlett B-rock funk master fresh won't be needing surgery for his shoulder. Baby gotta rest. So now you can say its your shoulders fault you got 26 errors this year. (highest in mlb for ss)

Oh yeah. Lecroy also elected free agency.
But really now. That's fine. Truly fine.
He wants to play "one more year"
Then become a coach.
Well, I'll be doing a co ed softball team next year Lecroy if u are interested.
Don't pass this chance up, might be the best offer you'll get.

I am quite the bitch today, if you haven't noticed. mind boggling news in karlee land:
Watching the Indians/Yankees series made me feel a bit bi polar.
I hate both teams. And I had to pick which one to win?
I picked the Indians ONLY because they are from the central.
I caught myself saying "HELL YEAH SIZEMORE" then I thought I should start drinking again, since being sober is obviously making me think crazy thoughts.
And say things I'd never say. EVER. Grady Sizemore...REALLY Karlee?
I so went there. I went there, then I died a little inside...moving on.....

I never enjoyed the yankees. I think it's because I REALLY hate Jeter.
But who doesn't?
Oh yeah I don't like Johnny Damon either. Or whore-gay Posada.

And finally.
The first time you turn the heat on in your house.
It doesn't smell smells like burning old-ness.

Oh yeah.

ONE more thing.

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Your boom stick is so big.
SO big you hit el beisbol out of fenway park.
Mommy like.

Lecroy can't throw.
Please, make him stop throwing.
PLZ baseball gods.

Punto bouncing boom stick balls off of the green monster being all ninja like.
Then punto hustling his cute booty to home.

Minnesota Twins,

Sorry guys, the office is on.
I still love you.
But uh. It's the office. Understand. Please.
I'll turn it back during commericals.


pouring rain= punto slip and slide.


Garrrreeettttt Jones got a home run.
Cuddy got a big boom stick.
We also played small ball.
Punto being all good.
It rained.
Wet baseball players.
Joe Nathan does what Joe Nathan does.
We win.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

dun dun dun dun..dun dun dun dun..CHARRGEEE

Bases loaded.
Morneau up.
You would think.. "OH HELLS YEAH"
But really...lately.
Not so much.
Prove me wrong Canada.
*watches tv for the verdict*
*plays jeopardy theme music since he's fouling off 4094887598 balls*
RBI single. Prove-age wrong-age of Karlee. Touche Morneau. Tou-flipping-che.

Man oh man Morneau. You fouled off so many balls I could of gone outside, mowed the lawn, walked around the block, ate some chicken pot pie, visit my relatives in California, fly back, go to the bathroom, GET a water then sit down. And then FINALLY you would of hit the ball.

3 run double.
Mmmmmm Mmmm Mmmmmm.

OH did I mention its the first inning?
Oh Because it is.

Okay Santana.
We made you a nice comfy 4-run pillow to sit on while you sit some bitches down.
Remember you want that strike out title.

Magglio crazy hair man has a .400 avg against the sit down bitch god?
Aw, hell naw.

Sit down, bitch.

top of the 2nd
Casilla does what...well..Casilla does. Grounds out. slipped and slid-ed ALL UP on that kubel boom stick hit.
That was pretty bad-ass..even though it wasn't our team. Damn you.
Mauer. If I had a magic carpet I'd let you use it so you don't have to run.
Or suck.

Bottom of the 2nd

Greaseball Magglio VS. Sit down, Bitch.
Ps: Bert just said Santan-ia.
Greaseball-1 (a walk)
Sit down, Bitch-0

No.. I'm done saying "hes a youngster, I'll give him ONE more chance"
No. I don't like you. When a ball is thrown to you, you catch it. And not stand there and go *gasp* OMGZ, I didn't catch it, THEN run. No. YOU RUN AND GET THE BALL.

Okay. Bases loaded? This kinda feels like that time when I went to watch Johan for the first time and he sucked. Hmmmm.
We gave you a 4 run lead.
And if you mess it up, YOU HAVE NO right to be Mr.Bitchtana and say you don't get run support. Okay? sit down bitch. Two to go.
Ya know what? Chicken in lemon caper sauce is delish.
I'm sooo going to re heat the left overs of that for my dinner.

bases loaded walk?
ORLY JOHANNA. Yes. You are a pansy ass woman now. Johanna.
Maybe Johanna, Justine, and Alexi can go get ice cream after the game....wait I didn't have to change Alexis name. It already sounds girly. Poor thing.

Michelle is your new name. GO get ice cream with the other floozies.

Okay you sat someone down to get out of the inning.
But uhm. You are now Johanna.

Top of the 3rd
Michelle. You are not Nick Punto. Don't try to turn a single into a double. *smack*
Wham bam NO thank you ma'am.

Bottom of the 3rd
Where did the sudden LOUD thunder come from?
It's supposed to rain out?'s raining out.
*scampers off to*
I sure am happy I don't live in gaylord. You'd be getting pounded.

Oh..btw..another sit down bitch inning minus the base hit.

top of the 4th it raining at the game too?
Or am I like..just wishing for wet hot baseball men?
AHHH it was raining.
Game Delay.
Is it bad that I want to see them splashing in puddles and dancing in the rain?
No it isn't bad.
It's natural. natural.
I'll be back.

5th inning.
game over.
rain out.

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Johan Santana Show

I'm going.
Are you?

I will either have my
a: Punto shirt on
b: My 1987 world series championship shirt
c: Nothing.

But c won't happen since I won't be drinking.
Aw shucks.
I'm tempted to make a circle me bert sign but I can't think of anything eye catching.
Shocking huh?

I think I might do a "rhombus me bert" sign.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sweep da deep.

Last night.
WHAT a night.

I think I'm not the only one who missed the metrodome magic.

Cuddyer and Punto went 2-4 each.

Kubel and Cuddyer home runs.
Me screaming my head off completely sober even pissing off the drunks around me.
That's how I do.
I'm sorry that I was belting out Bon Jovi. IT DID say sing along.

Oh did I mention I loved my seats?

I like warm up's.

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I also like it when canadians smile.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Momma said knock you OUT.

First off.
Joe Mauer aka:You aren't LL cool J right now..ladies DO NOT love (un)cool Joe.
Torii Hunter, Justin Morneau(but..atleast I have 30 home runs?) and Michael Cuddyer were 1-for-14 with a walk.

I'll let that settle in your brain for a moment.
It gets better my friends.

Nick Punto. 2-for-3 with two runs and a stolen base.
...What chu know 'bout that betch.

Yes I know we didn't win.
Yes Johan didn't have a good first inning.
I could possibly be putting it lightly.

Bartlett L-rod and Punto did good small ball.
And did by the book perfect plays.
I was a little taken back by the awesomeness.

Then after the game Souhan was well...going be be all...Souhan like...SO I thought. But he did say Mauer looked lethargic.
But I was thinking negative, along the lines of:
"he will find a way to say something mean about Nick Punto"
When all a sudden he compliments his defense and says he doesn't need to be a .290 hitter because he's good at what he does.
My head spun.
Then I felt warm and fuzzy inside.
And I think I said "WHAT!" about 20 times.


Being sober for weeks on end makes me feel drunk.
That doesn't make sense, I know. Bare with me here.
But I was rambling to my mother about how Mauer looks like a stealth ninja bob cat while catching. He sprawls his legs out and slowly moves his paw infront of him. "meow-tana..put the mreoowwball in my meowww kittenmitten."
(if you don't speak cat meow-tana= Santana)

Thursday, September 13, 2007

uh. WHAT!

Terry Ryan is stepping down as general manager.

We all know we've been VERY annoyed with him this past year.
( IE: Trading Castillo for a couple of double a pieces of crap )
But uhm.
I still love that trade of AJ for Liriano,Boof and Nathan.
That was amazing, really. Mad props Mr. Terry Ryan.

But why leave now?
Do you want us to go under as a team?
I had to say it *long loud sigh*

By opening day of next year all we'll have left is:

Joe Mauer.
Some bags of sun flower seeds and peanuts.
The bat boy.
Juan Rincon.
Nick Punto (b/c he'll never leave as much as all of you would love it if he did)
And Lecroy will be the coach and gm.

I wonder why he left.
Maybe because he has to make a winning team and re sign big players with 100 dollars,two paper clips, a pen ( blue ink, not black ), and a harmonica that Pohlad gave him....thinking he's MacGyver and shit.

I looked up Pohlad in the dictionary.

Pohlad (n):
A money grubbing evil demon BILLIONAIRE from the deep dark depths of the house of hades.

Lets keep in mind it says BILLIONAIRE not MILLIONAIRE. Okay? Ok.

What are your thoughts about this?
I know some people who are happy.
Some who are sad.

Me? I'm just confused. ( what a shock )

Sunday, September 9, 2007

were off to see the wizardddd

The wonderful wizard of 'TC'

Johan- the wizard
J Garland- Dorothy..DUH.

Sooooo Johanna Santana is pitching against J. Garland...
He is going to knock them ruby slippers off that mofo, THEN sit some bitches down.

Well..let's hope atleast.

Saturday, September 8, 2007


It's always a good time when we play you.
I enjoy it because it's a hit-a-thon.

But uhm.

You suck. I don't like you.


Last nights game just...made me just. words.


Morales. You is good.
You is hurts.
Just a sprain, but it looked like you ripped your leg off by the look on your face.
Don't scare me like that.

And of course.
"amazing play by Nick Punto!!!11!1one"
If I had a quarter for each time someone says that.
I'd be a mo effing millionaire.

Lets win today plz k thanx.
ps: I think we all know this but I HATE AJ PIERZYNSKI.
....wait who actually likes him? Rly.

Now we're tied.

whydidyouputincarmencali. you leave cali in.
and now chicago is ahead.

Okay I'm done with this.

As "pulling a blyleven says"

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I just realized.

I like guys named Nick.
...wait I don't like Nick swicher..swisher..swizzyisserzizzle..however you spell it(sweets)
Well..The Nicks on OUR team.
Blackburn, good job.
You made momma proud....
until you put two people on base with 0 outs so Death Metal had to come in so he can hopefully sit some bitches down. And hopefully means "it probably won't happen"

If I was a professional Baseball player I would be scared to hit Nesheks pitches.
I mean..he never stop moving on the mound. He throws it like a crazed circus ninja with tourettes. Hanging his tounge out because he's hungry...hungry for stike outs.

But Neshek is being pure suck. Thank you.. it WAS it's 6-2.

*long loud sigh*

The person I hate the most from this series:
Your parents don't love eachother. They aren't even sitting by eachother during the game. How does that make you feel? Guess what. I don't care. Evil demon.

I don't like being swept.
Yeah I know the game isn't done yet.
One inning, gotta make 4 runs?
I'm sorry I don't have faith. Who would.

Karlee out.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

A love letter.

To Gardy and Joe Mauer.

I love you. don't know why I love them?

OH this little snippit from an article on

"It was a notion that manager Ron Gardenhire dismissed immediately(that Mauer should play 3rd) when it was brought up on Monday.

"He's a superstar catcher," Gardenhire said. "That's like saying 'Well, Johan [Santana] is really a great hitter, so we better take him off the mound and put him in center field because you want to get more out of his bat. You want to move one of the best pitchers in the game because he hits so well. Well, let's make him a hitter.' Well, let's take a guy who gets behind the plate and stops the run game totally and get him out there and put him at third, when there's no guarantee [that] he can play third. And there's no guarantee that he wouldn't get hurt doing that, too."

Mauer's injuries this season aren't necessarily catching related. But the constant beating that his legs take from squatting and getting down behind home plate is something Mauer has admitted is a byproduct of the job.

Mauer was sidelined with injuries early on in his career as well. In 2004, his rookie season, Mauer tore the meniscus in his left knee in early April when making a sliding catch behind home plate. It forced him to miss two months. In 2005, the Twins were tentative with Mauer due to the knee issue from the year before.

Still, the influx of injuries this season has not forced Mauer to re-think his decision to remain as a catcher -- at least not yet.

"Injuries happen to everyone, not just catchers," Mauer said. "They happen to outfielders, infielders and they just happen. The last couple seasons, I've been lucky to stay in the game and have just little nicks and bruises here and there. This year, I've had to miss some time, but I want to be a catcher and I'm going to be one as long as I can."

What do you think about that SOUHAN?


Monday, September 3, 2007

Santana...Johan Santana

Shaken not stirred.

Stop sucking against the Indians plz.
REMEMBER. Your Johan EFFING Santana.

Do good today.
I will be updating this lovely blog during the game.
Lets hope it will be filled with happy words.

Top of the 1st
Rally in the first against Santana.
CY YOUNG MY *beep*
While all this stupidity is going on let me tell you about my love for Mike Redmond.

Mike Redmond= amazing.
Wanna know why?
He could have one hand and he'd still play.
He's a tough cookie. And he's hard-core.

Bert. Stop saying "at the major leauge level" and "youngster"

Bartlett. When Teh Santana throws to you. YOU CATCH IT. Thanks for ruining that double play.

Oh..already 1-0?
Oh. Ryan Garko pisses me off. He just looks like a big bottle of devil sauce.

Bottom of the 1st:
C.C Sabathia scares the crap out of me. 6'7..290lbs. YIKES ON BIKES.
He's not just fat. He's tall. And scary.
This is what I love. When two ball players run towards a ball. Then the ball drops between them. I reaaaaaally love that. Thank you casilla for that double.
Bartlett use your Pear King magic and conjure up a sexy rbi hit...OR strike out.
Gardy is SO giving casilla the death glare since hunter got on base, and then morneau did. We would of been tied. If he wasn't so flipping stupid and tried to get to 3rd. ID-EEEE-OOT.

*this is when karlee slams head against desk*

Top of the 2nd:
Yeah Johan..walk someone again.'s fine we don't mind.
If we don't score by the 3rd im done typing.

OH..Looks like I'll type more when the game is gone.
I have a feeling it will be a "bad words" blog.

pre game:


Dear Jim Souhan,

You are all sorts of crazy.

"Mauer to third? Move would save legs and dollars"

Close your eyes, and try to think Joe diving for a ball.
I'll give you a moment......



I mean yeah sure,it will help his legs. But I mean can you really see him as a 3rd basemen? I really can't. AT ALL.

Whats next?
Persuading Bert Blyleven with a pack of beer and a new circle sign to pitch for us again after Johan leaves? (yep. I said it.)

Next years line up:

1st: Anthony LaPanta
2nd: A guy with the last name "Casilla" "Castilla" "Castillo" "Castilloa" "Castla" etc etc...
3rd: Gardies son.
ss: Jason Bartlett...because he's cute.
RF: Cuddyer.
LF: Cuddyer.
CF: Cuddyer...or if were lucky Stephen Hawking.
Catcher: Lew Ford
Ball Boy: Nick Punto (Gardy could never get rid of him, EVAR)
DH: TC Bear...he always wins those home run games against all the other mascots and such. COME ON GARDY. THINK A LITTLE BIT MY GOD.

Pitching: Bert Blyleven, Jeff Cirillo(since he's been pitching for the diamond backs, yeah. NUTS. GOOGLE IT), and the person who throws the first pitch. If were giving people chances (plural) might as well get the fans involved. Even Billy the 5 year old kid with a.d.d has a chance.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

1/2 of a cup of sinker ,1/2 of a cup of awesome..

Then add a nice cup of strike outs and a dash of run support.

And what do you get?

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Muffin Man sprinkled his magic across home plate with his strike zone sensitive laser arm......111 pitches -- 81 strikes, 30 balls.
Excuse me while I drool. BUH.

"I think we just went from the worst game we played all year to almost perfect," manager Ron Gardenhire said.

Don't push it there Gardy.
Well Punto DID get on base and score.
Anytime that happens I consider it a "almost perfect" game.

Up next: Hi Ho Silva. 11am. Lets do this.

Ps: Cleveland start losing, alright? THANK YOU.

Friday, August 31, 2007

bizzaker betch!

7:18-It's the top of the 1st.
Two K's already?
Ahhhh..I love you maybe.

Let's hope I still love you after the game.

Oh yeah ps: I really don't like Casilla. Sorry. I think I never will either.
And it's not because he took Castillo's place. I Sorry. Okay? NO.


No words.
Just a big bag of Lollercoaster.
I'm sorry. This is I..and..can't stop laughing. Oh..Ohhhhhh.

Alright..*breathes out*
Okay Okay.
GOD that picture is so wrong, right.


Maybe if Mauer didn't get hurt, we would be ahead.
Maybe if Punto decided to be as good as last year, we would be ahead.
Maybe if everyone and their damn cat didn't get hurt, we would be ahead.
Maybe if Morneau found his boom stick and knew how to produce rbis we would be ahead.
Maybe if Cuddyer didn't strike out as much, we would be ahead.
Maybe if we didn't trade people we really shouldn't have, we would be ahead.

And maybe if we didn't suck. We would be ahead.


It's only 8 minutes into the game and there is already 3 hits. 2 runs in already...wait..3 now..uh..wait wtf is going on!?


Garza is 0-2 against KC.
I'm not even going to update you on this game.
I'm not counting this game as a real game, I don't count the ones they don't show on tv a game.

I'm weird, shut up.

NEXT GAME: MUFFIN MAN. <3 plzdogood.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

sometimes u just wanna smack someone up.

from the tribe:

"Jason Tyner led off the inning with a single to right field. That brought up Punto, the worst-hitting regular in the majors. He was going to bunt, of course, and he did -- just into the air behind home plate. Indians catcher Victor Martinez made the catch for the first out.

"It's my own fault," Punto said. "I can't try to bunt pitches that aren't buntable. The pitch was a little high. He was doing exactly what he was trying to do: get me to pop it up. I should have took one."

If you knew it was high. And you knew what he was trying to do. And YOU KNOW you can't bunt pitches that aren't buntable...

Okay, I can make excuses. You were nervous. Obviously you've been in a slump for quite some time. But seriously....I'm not mad I'm just SO SAD about how bad you are doing. I mean come on.

At least you are the leader with the best fielding percentage in the American league for 3rd base.
It's .974.
And it's also the 2nd best in all of MLB.
That is a big plus.
Nick Punto has a better fielding percentage than A-rod? And David Wright? AND TEH JETER..omigawdnowai.
Yeah think about that one. It makes me smile. Then I realize A-rod's batting avg is like makes me die a little inside. BUT WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT BATTING NOW ..are we!...uh. Wow Karlee settle down there.

Okay YOU KNOW WHAT I'm going to say it.
Nick should get a golden glove.
And I know alot of you would agree with me.
Having a gold glove doesn't mean your bat is golden too.
Just the glove, thats it.
He deserves it after having a shit-tastic time at the plate.

Punto, you should be happy you are cute and nice, and amazing on the field.
And you should also be happy that Gardy loves you with with every inch of his Santa Claus heart.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

End of the world..

.......Or something.

SO ya know we had the locusts this year.
We've had flooding.
Weird things happening and then I stumble across this on

(Zomg Mike Pomeranz is a stud LOLLERCOASTERWTFBBQ.)

"You've no doubt heard the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
Well Monday night's storm rained fish on Dale Johnson's Burnsville yard.
Johnson said he found a 29 1/2 inch northern on his lawn Tuesday morning.
He lives about one mile from the Minnesota River, but this wasn't a flying fish, just a northern.
He says there are no hook marks on the fish.
Johnson has no idea how the fish ended up on his lawn."

It's teh jebus.

See in my eyes if its the end of the world the Twins will miraculously get into the playoffs.


Tyner already got a home run.

Naughty Karlee.

Hospital rooms don't have FSN.

..and that's just not right.
Or I couldn't find it..

SO I was M.I.A for quite some time.
Karlee was a very very sick bird. Very. Sick. Bird.


I was a sad girl because I couldn't watch half of the baseball games because I was in the hospital.

Won 5 games in a row? guys got me all excited.
Then you guys started to play the Indians.
And then..I got un excited.

Tomorrows match up is black sabbath VS. Sit down, Bitch.
It going to be nuts.

Oh but I did catch some parts of the game today, even though we lost.
Uh..nice play by Punto? (I feel like a damn broken record over here..)
Bare handed..mid air throw..buhguhdslkfddjflkjdf meow.
And Torii showing off his "I can still slam into this puffy wall right here and look sexy while I catch this baseball right quick" skills.

Tomorrow I hope our boom sticks will come out to say hello.

Thursday, August 23, 2007


Twins5 - We lost by 27 points last night and we lost again tonight too- 2

You are the first awesomer of the day.
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Awesome game saving plays.
You catch the ball like a bee attacks flowers.
Going up to the Boof being all "we should do this"
And it worked. Getting the guy out at 2nd.

And that awesome Bunt and double and two runs scored?

0-1 game until the 8th inning when Punto opened it up with a perfect bunt. Then awesomeness insued.
Then Punto doing it again on a double play.

Say what?
Nick is over 200 again?

And Boof.
I You are amazing.
one score in 7 innings?
I think I can break this out once again.
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OH yes.
The Boof the Boof the Boof is on fire.

I smell a sweep. Don't want to be cocky but....C'mon.

thoughts of a baseball

Dear Justin Morneau,

Hi, it's me. *sighs*
Remember the days when you hit me between those two big yellow foul poles? And all the exciting fans tried to grab me because you hit a home run? I miss that. It's been a month....I'm sick of getting hit on the ground, it's messes up my complexion. I like it when you smack me SUPER HARD.

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Dear Nick Punto,


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Dear Boof Bonser,

Stop throwing me so high. I don't want home runs from the other team. I WANT HOME RUNS FROM YOU GUYS OKAY? And let me slap perfectly happy in Mauers mitt plz.

ps: oh yeah..when I said not to throw high, I also mean don't throw me in the damn dirt. Or infront of the plate.

bashfully yours,
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I SWEAR if you guys lose 0-1 again.
I will burn all my clothes in my living room and dance around saying I'm John Lennon. Wanna know why? Because your making me go bat shit crazy.

no words,
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

In the land of 10,000 injuries

Watkins got hurt in today's game.

from the tribe:

"Tommy Watkins sustained a lower abdominal muscle injury running the bases in the eighth inning. He’s day-to-day, but he was still in pain and having trouble moving as the team packed for Baltimore."

I've heard people saying Nick Punto has a voodoo doll.
And slowly I'm thinking it's true....

The curse of the 3rd basemen position:

Buscher gets hurt.
Then Cirillo gets traded.
Watkins is now hurt.
And Rodriguez got sent down.

He's not just a super hero. He's also a voodoo magic man.

And Torii also has been feeling not so good:
"Torii Hunter has a sore right shoulder today, which led to Jason Tyner entering as a defensive replacement in the eighth inning. Hunter insisted he’d be back in the lineup tomorrow night."

He insists because he's hard core.

But seriously.
Can we get a break?
It feels as if every series someone gets hurt.
The only person who hasn't been hurt/sent down this year I think is Punto. (it's b/c of his voodoo magic-ness)
I could be wrong.
But it totally adds up with my crazy prediction that Punto is into dark magic.

I think he doesn't hit the ball well because his bat is his wand. And he doesn't want to hurt it, because broken wands....well they don't work.
I need to stop reading Harry Potter.

Buscher is supposed to be activated tomorrow.
I wouldn't be surprised if he got on the wrong plane. By "accident"
(aka nick brain washing him into making him go to Cabo San Lucas instead of Baltimore)
(fyi: I'm not SERIOUS...maybe)

Bi Polar

That's what the Twins bats are.
It was 7 to 0...and thats the first inning.
11 men bat. 7 on the board.

Yeah..the 7 is for US.
I know..relax, sit down. Breathe in and out slowly.
Cuddy got a grand mo effing' Grand Slam.
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And Mr.Nicky-p got did a sac fly.

Oh Justin Morneau, you needs a home run. Like, soon. You haven't hit one since Toronto...ok no home run. Base hits are fine.

We won.
OH jeez.

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That devo hat would make a pretty rad-ass jello mold. With oranges and fruit like things in it.. Mmmm..

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

GARZAAAA!!!! wtf mate?

Just to let you know we were playing an EFFING game not a home run derby.

I realized.
If he didnt suck hard core.
We would of won the game.
WE PUT MORE THAN 1 run on the BOARD?

Now lets just WISH we finish them off. (next two games, that is)
If not.
I'm hungry for blood.
vampire karlee.


Hey this is Garza..Uh..give me run support?
*after the 3240983409843094 home runs*
guys uh..yeah..I uh..I..I...I....*weeeps* OH PLEASE.


wow..uh..hey there turbo.
Tell me why you suck so hard while at home?
Oh..shhh..mauer isn't around.
Yeah he blows at home TOO.
I don't know why...
Maybe because he's still a nervous little thing around his friends from highschool and his parents. WHO CARES. hrbek was still good and hes from MN.

I'm done talking
we lost.
we need to win the next 2.
the end.


Monday, August 20, 2007

The Johan Santana Show.

Episode: Awesome.
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Hello. I am Johan Santana, and yes I know...I'm sexy. Plus I sat down so many bitches tonight I even turned on Melissa Ethridge.

8IP 2H 0BB 17 K's

See something crazy?
I do.
17 ks.
I swear he is part cyborg.
And part stud.

19 K's for the whole game.
Why thank you Mr.Ihaveafirstnameforalastname

And Cuddyer, thanks for that whole scoring thing. was nice.
Since if we kept on playing it would of gone into the 20th inning.
Oh and nice rocket launch you did to home plate.

And thanks Punto for that run,walk, and steal....even though nobody knows how to produce RBI's. It's okay.

Joe Mauer,
How do you feel that you did worse than Punto this series?
No hits?


Terry Ryan,
Don't be a stupid bitch.


Friday, August 17, 2007




Okay. I held onto this kid for a long time, I knew he'd do something so magical, it would shove the spirit back into the twins. I always thought he was good. (we all know this) There is something about him.

And tonight. He won the game, and let me tell you that is one of the best games I've seen in a while. They all looked so effing happy. Trust me I bet alot of people spazzed out. I'm proud of him and I'm proud of our local little super hero.

Nick Punto

I felt soooo horrible when he was up to bat and two out.
Then he struck out.
I kept on telling my friends he will make it up and they are like "'s Punto" and I'm like "but I just know he will do something. The 87 magic is upon us" and my friend is like "87?"

Yes I hit her.
But then out of nowhere
BAM wham triple ma'am.
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Then insanity and happiness ensues after he steals home on a pitch obviously lil Mr.Salty couldn't make.

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CONGRATS <3 w00t!

Line em' up.

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Joe Mauers avg. against Texas is .206.
So he's like Nick Punto when he plays against them.
Maybe..uh..Nick will play like Joe Mauer when he plays against Seattle?

We can only wish.

PS: My wish came true. I am truly happy.


I like a day off.
...from baseball that is...

Let's you collect your thoughts.
And it helps that we won before the day off.
So I'm less bitter..but then again I am always bitter.

This is what I (don't) love.
All these kiddos who completely spazz out and saying the Twins don't deserve to get the wild card if we even get the chance. Since how they have been "slacking" as of late.

Here's the thing. Now that they won two games. You "guys" are like "omigawd. We rock! I love Torii Hunter! OMG. I'm a fan again. PENNANT RACE HERE WE COME..hehehe lol omg."

Yes we all know it's been quite the emotional roller coaster ride with this team. But it usually is. Yeah I say some things out of anger but I will never stop cheering for the boys. Or stop watching like some people do. Until they start doing better again.

I realize not to get ahead of myself. Yes, great that we won. But once they win 2-3 games in a row don't get your mind thinking we will win the pennant. Because there is a chance that in a couple of days you will say they have NO chance and your going to start watching the Mets b/c Castillo is playing for them now. It just hurts my head when it's "Twins on the road to october!" then "Twins slacking, no chance of pennant or wild card" then "OH..haha..nevermind..hehe.."

And the whole "will they make the wild card race/pennant race".
We all want them to. Everyone wants their team to win.
I mean...who would want their team lose? (besides when the Phillies lost their 324098439084 game and the fans cheered.)
I really don't care. If they don't. Next's just fun watching them.
And if they do? Well... freaking awesome.

I like me some baseball.
I don't care if some of the teammates aren't up to par.
I know you HAVE to trade to make your team better.
I know you lose.
I know you win.

I just know I love the team in it's whole. Good or Bad. There will ALWAYS be someone on the team not as good as the others. I love them all because they all want the same thing, and they are all trying as hard as they can. Even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Remember people aren't perfect. We would love Puntos offence to get better. We would love for Morneau to get out of his slump and start using his boom stick. We would love for our offence to be just as good if not better than our starting pitchers. We wish Liriano wasn't hurt. We would of liked to keep Castillo. And the main thing floating around we would love some "consistency"

But you can't have everything. Take what you get, and have fun watching the best sport on the face of the planet.

Now who's excited to watch our team play some Base-a-ball tomorrow?
I know I am.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

booom shaka laka laka BOOM.

Warning: May contain a barrel of laughs. But might also contain a barrel of suck. Or a barrel of awesomeness.

Bottom of the 3rd.

-I hear Cowbell. I got a fevah..and the only prescription is for some rbis. Or maybe Scotty Bakes to throw more STRIKES.
-Ichiro Is a ninja. He stole 2nd and 3rd. He's such a ninja I bet he can steal 4th...yes. I said 4th.
-Bert yes..we know you had (main word) an amazing curveball. Now hes saying about different size balls..and seams..and some are bigger than the other...Oh, Bert.
-Castilla. A tarp was there. Uhm. Just to let you know.
-Watkings. Nice catch..And nice 4 fake throws. And falling on your ass. You made a Punto esq type play. Stop breaking my heart.
-We got out of the inning safe,huzzah huzzah huzzah!

Top of the 4th

-Bartlett. Lead off doubles make me feel fancy. I bet it makes you feel fancy too. Rawr.
-Bartlett, thanks for checking beltre into the dirt.
Taking hockey lessons from Mr.Canada, eh?
-Speaking of Mr.Canada. Hi. Your boom stick called, it misses you.
And Justin called back and said "Shhh..I like pop up's..the chicks dig it..."

Bottom of the 4th

-Yankees lost. And Red Sox lost to the devil rays (LOLLERCOASTER)
-Bakes. Three straight strike outs? NICE. Would it be too much of me to ask for a bakers dozen of strikes? I think so.

Top of the 5th

-Strike outs aren't "nice" when it's our players striking out.
-Ron DL do something nice.
-Bert said marny looks pretty. OoOoOoOoOoHhHhhhh..
-OH OH. SWEET BABY JESUS. First home run rly RONNIE?
-Watkins first major league hit? WOAH. What's going on here?
-I feel some crazy shenanigans comming...

Bottom of the 5th
-WHAT..DICK..You don't have your US MAP on you. Now something crazy is going to go on....
woah..wait its the top of the 6th already? Was is that amazing I missed it?
Baker are you taking ninja mind lessons from Ichiro?

Top of the 6th
-B ROCK. NOES. YOU okay? OMG Punto is running for you. Run like the kitten you are. Hopefully b-rock didn't pull anything. Why must someone always end up getting hurt once we start doing okay?
-Morneau looks mad..had some nice words for the ump.(ps:got called out on strikes,ouch mor mor)
-Cuddy. Swing next time.

Bottom of the 6th
-Gardy, got thrown out? CUTE. Now ullger is running the team. Oh goodness. And Punto is at short. I told you I felt some crazy shenanigans coming..
-Now it's a tie game...scotty, oh..scotty.Ibanez you are all that is evil in the world...but Ibanez guitars are pretty sweet. But not baseball players named Ibanez

Top of the 7th
-Now all we need is Punto to have a home run, then this game can officially be named the WEIRDEST GAME EVER.
-1,2,3. yuck.

Bottom of the 7th
-twins, your defence makes my heart melt. In the good way. Yum.
-1 and oh to ichiro..1 and oh to ichiro...say it, it's fun. Slides off your tongue surprise, he hit the ball.
-two out. peeps on the corners. Lets do this bakes.
-Or not...Death Metal can do the job.
-And he did.

Top of the 8th
-Castilla. got some sharp shades on. And thanks for "spanking" a single down the middle.
-Punto. Remember, you have to make a home run to top the "awkwardly weird game sundae" with its awkward cherry?
-OR you can just do a bunt and get a double. That's also a very nice thing.
-Ohhh walking Mauer eh?
-AND the bases are full. AND we get a run in. AND the bases are full again. AND we are ahead. AND I'm happy.
-Stike out Morneau. Yeowza. I can feel that anguish and hate from here.
-Hai I'm Michael Cuddyer. And I swing at balls and miss. wassap?
-Hai I'm Rondell White. The bases are loaded what shall I do? *pause and watches* dribble it to first. side note: dribbling is in basketball. NOT baseball.

Bottom of the 8th
-DEATH METAL DEATH METAL oonst oonst...make them go "no boom"
-death metal moshes the eff out of the line drive ball. Getting out of the 8th safely.

Top of the 9th
-I had the great idea of making a "dick and bert" drinking game. I will be posting that soon. And my ideas for the game will probably get you drunk within the 3rd inning.
-Watkins u best bunt boi. Oh. buntfoul. Don't bunt on two strikes. But I bet Punto already told you that. And if you do? Naughty.
-Watkins. Double. Rawr.
-Punto you need some rbi's. You need to smell em'. It's been a while. Keep fouling the ball off until you find a nice ball. Or...yeah...*shrugs* *hums dont stop believing by journey*
-Remember the last time you walked Mauer? I remember.

Smell em'

*insert karlee dancing around house and her phone ringing off the hook, hearing the excitement from other loyal awesome twins fans*

Bottom of the 9th
Joe.Nathan. Nuff said.

Pre Game

6-1. Is there such thing as "happy salad' eh? Pulling A Blyleven?



Thank you.
But whats the deal with you guys sucking pure suckness.
Then winning a game 11-4 (aka a lot to a little?)
Can't you spread that out a bit? C'mon.

2B: Bartlett (16, Ramirez), Cuddyer (20, Ramirez), White (2, Ramirez), Hunter (34, Rowland-Smith).
HR: Bartlett (4, 5th inning off Ramirez, 0 on, 0 out).
TB: Casilla 3; Bartlett 7; Mauer; Hunter 4; Morneau 2; Cuddyer 3; White 2; Tyner; Redmond 2.
RBI: Redmond 2 (28), Casilla 2 (7), Cuddyer (62), Bartlett (31), White 2 (6), Morneau 2 (91).

So. Punto got on base twice? If I remember correctly but both on fielders choice. Wtf. So that doesn't count as a hit. Eh.

Nice game kiddos.
I actually smiled, and did happy squeals.
And during the last 3 innings I went to a bar. And people were actually cheering this time.

I'm still not %100 awesome yet.
You guys need to prove you can do this more than once. And not go into the big pure-utter-suck-hole again.

We made awesome double plays (thnxpunto)
We did everything...well..pretty much right.

Garza 100(pitches)-60(strikes)= w00t.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

You can't get rid of him

SO get over it.
Nickles is in the line up again tonight.

Gardy was probably like "uh..yeah..Nicky. *sighs out*..because of last night..that bunt..or..if you want to call it that... I don't think.. *pause* ok you are too cute...stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes. You did hit the ball once and got walked twice..improvement.. You can play *pats him on the head and tosses a bag of Swedish fish down the hall* fetch"

I'm this close..

....To sending cookies and kittens to the twins locker room.
The boys need some hard-core hugs. And a couple nice love-taps on the ass for good measure.

From the star trib:

Sizing up the mood, Hunter said, "I don't know what's wrong, don't know what happened. Don't know if it was [trading] Luis Castillo, or the comments from Johan, or what. But something negative has hit this clubhouse. Somethings not right."

They need to all sit down and talk to each other about their problems.
Have some cookies, pet some kittens and get their blood pressure down a bit.
(Because its a known fact petting kittens/cats makes your blood pressure go down, don't believe me. GOOGLE IT.)

Nicky, stop getting too excited. We might have to stop giving you so much candy and treats before the game. Why would you bunt with 2 strikes? Why didn't you just fly out! *Huffs and stomps my feet*

Johan. Stop pouting. You still look sexy when you pout. And you know it.

Cuddyer. Striking out isn't cute. Work on that.

Morneau..... LULZ WTH? Find your boom stick please.

Mauer. Just stand there and act like you suck and your struggling just as much as the other really aren't make them feel better..please...oh btw..that catching error and you trying to steal 3rd. NOT SO CUTE. But those two things are the least of our problems.

Torii...have uh, you been playing recently? Because I don't notice you out there. Sorry.

Gurrier. I truly feel bad for you. No I do, I'm not mad. I'm just sad. *gives you teddy bear graham crackers*

Gardy. Uhm. Did Nathan have to go to the bathroom really bad? Is that why you didn't put him in? I hope that's the reason. Rly. And I'm glad you sent down Ford and brought up Cali, because he's really been helping (NOT!)

Guess what.

My heart is officially broken into 450945094844048430430943 1/2 pieces.

Nick Punto.
You break my heart.
You were doing SO good today.
And..uh..that "bunt" UHM.
Just...oh wow. Keep it in the strike zone not lift your bat up and act like u were trying to run to first when YOU KNOW it's a sac situation. You Don't do that. You lay the bunt down and jog nicely to first knowing you did your DAMN JOB. *breathes out*
You got ahead of yourself. Go back to the basics. Plz.

That's what we need to do.
And Joe Mauer, NEVER steal 3rd ever again.

And can someone PLEASE TELL ME why they put in Gurrier and not Nathan?
Is Gardy smoking rocks during the 7th inning stretch?

He needs to start taking the tranquilizers they give Bert after his "f bomb" situation. (In my mind I think that's how they settle him down.lulz)
Then maybe he can realize he should of put in Nathan. And put himself in to bunt for Punto.
And Anthony LaPanta needs to stop taking caffeine.
And Coomer HAS to stop smiling and giggling about everything.

I'm sorry I can't handle another loss.
I truly can't.
Especially how this one ended.
I was like "OMGZ it's tied we can just get these three peeps out we have a chance!!111one"

Then BOOM.
And my heart exploded.
And it didn't help that it sounded like world war 3 outside of my house from all the damn cloud to ground lightning, hail, and bad-ass tree bending winds.

I was already tweaking out seeing a hurricane outside.
Then they had to pull that "OH HAI LULZ by the way I'm going to hit a walk off home run becuz I think it would be SO FUNNY, my heart is warm right now thinking of all the souls/hearts/minds I've just broke...lollercoaster"

Bert:hmmm my "California math" says we've been sucking for..*looks around* Dick do you have a calendar?
Dick: No Bert, but I just got a new map of Guatemala.
Bert:well..I don't care..but we've been sucking for too long.
Dick:Yes Bert.
Bert:so...we suck, dick? *pause,muffled laughter*
Dick: Punto up to bat...
Bert:ohhh *Beep*
Dick:glad we bought that hand held beep machine for you.
Bert:yeah it's been working out very well. Since the last incident and all..
Dick:It says it was made in Malaysia..*hears him flip pages* that's right next to Indonesia and Thailand Bert!
Bert:*the beep machine goes off for a good 30 seconds* You know where My fist is? *Beep* IN YOUR FACE.*beep* YOU ARE HERE BY CIRCLED*beep* YOU ANNOYING LITTLE..*beep*

Monday, August 13, 2007

Sunday, August 12, 2007

My great uncle.

He's one of the only last Yankees players alive from the 61' world series.
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He was an amazing player.
My whole family said if he didn't play for the Yankees, he would of been a huge star on a different team.

He played with the likes of Roger Maris, Mickey Mantle, and Yogi Berra.

He blows my mind with how good he was.
Baseball runs through my blood.
I've met him a couple of times. And he's a great man. I can tell you that. I haven't seen him for a while. But the times I had with him were great. And hopefully I'll have more with him

from wikipedia:

Blanchard will always be remembered for his heroic play in the 1961 World Series. He hit 2 home runs in that series against the Cincinnati Reds and batted .400 for the entire series. In his career, Blanchard appeared in the World Series 5 times for the Yankees and holds the Major League record with ten World Series pinch-hit at-bats


see i like to talk about happy things.
since the twins are blowing some hard core ass-bat-ness.


I'm going to stop blogging.
Until you guys win again.
Because the whole me being sad thing..isn't really working.

You guys are making me have a nervous twitch in my left eye.
That isn't healthy.

I'm guessing you guys are going to lose today.
Down by 4.
They have one chance (top of the 9th) to score 4 to tie. Or 5 to win.
I'm not trying to be a debbie downer.
But how you've guys been playing recently.
I highly doubt there will be a top of the 9th rally.

And if there is.
I might possibly piss my pants.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Line-up and down-age.

Alexi Casilla 2B
Jason Bartlett SS
Joe Mauer C Justin Morneau 1B
Torii Hunter CF
Michael Cuddyer RF
Jason Kubel DH
Rondell White LF
Nick Punto 3B.
Starting pitcher Carlos Silva.

See anything weird? If you do you get a cookie point.
SO uh. In my mind it doesn't matter where you place them.

*breathes out*

Friday, August 10, 2007


The game started with 2-0
we got to 2-1.

I'm like AWWWW we have a chance. OH YAY.
Even though we had about 439048490 times to score.
And had bases loaded twice.
I can get past that.

So 6-1.

I take that whole "get past that"
No. Seriously.

And I mean Mauer,Morneau,Hunter and Cuddyer haven't been the best either. But who pays attention to them? "they have been good this year so who cares if they suck now?"

If one person sucks.
The rest of the team can pick it up.
But if the rest of the team sucks.
We have problems.

Its the bottom of the 7th.
vladdy is up.
And let me tell you, he scares me.
He looks like a crazy-ass voodoo lovin' scary man who doesn't use gloves.
I bet he bites the heads off of chickens. And sacrifices goats.
He got walked. yuck.

Okay so I realized NOBODY on our team is above .300....
Should I give up now?
Lose all faith?

(sidenote: singles night august 17th at 7pm at the dome.)

I found it hilarious that bert said "rincon has been in our bullpin for 5 years (or 6..dont remember) and this year he has been struggling"


bottom of the 7th still..took out raccoon and put in
Where in the world is carmen cali-diego
One K.
Now he walked someone. CALI. NOES.
(atleast ron DL hit the ball sexy tonight..thanks 4 teh arrr bee eye)
Oh, thanks..they just scored.
Now you did a wild pitch.
Now Ortiz is coming in.
Someone shoot me in the face right now. K? thanx.
Another run in.
I think its 3490484908 to 1 now? Maybe? (its actually 8-1)
There is still one out.
AND DICK "oh he hasn't hit a major leauge home run yet"
Are you suggesting he should?
You want him to pull a tyner?
OH wow..9-1...bases are still loaded. Still one out.
oh oh OH. 10-1.......but two are out. Oh wait. Who cares they are 9 ahead.
Finally we got them out...

Lets say.
Next two innings.
We get 5 runs each.
Excuse me while I jump on the Lollercoaster.
But I think the Lollercoaster just got off the tracks and is quickly tumbling into the depths of hell.

Watkins is DH'ing now.....

Excuse me while I go drink myself into a coma.
Be back next year.

Ps: Jim souhan is mean. Of COURSE it's nicks fault that the guys in the begining in the line up are stressed into doing good hits(NOT).
Didn't he noticed Cuddyer did nothing tonight?
Or the rest of the team?
No. He didn't. B/c it's easy to pick on punto.
Might as well kick them harder when they are already down right?

pps: Suprised the vikings lost? I'm not.

round 2

of resemblance.

Nick Punto.
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Nick: Lately has been getting criticism about how he's playing. And people saying he shouldn't be on the team.

Pluto: has been getting alot of criticism lately about if it should be a planet or not.

Pluto is smaller than seven of the solar system's moons:
the Moon-
Joe Mauer, b/c the moon is the planets. And he's captain planet..but he isn't blue....greenish..turqoise..sea foam green. WHATEVER color he was.
Cuddy,b/c Io is explosive and so is your boom stick.
Europa -
Torii Hunter.b/c you are active. As is the surface on Europa
Ganymede -
This one screams out Gardy.Ganymede was a Trojan boy of great beauty (ain't he purty)whom Zeus carried away to be cup bearer to the gods. Cup bearer= nut cups and gods=the twins. Catch my drift. Good.
Callisto -
It would be awesome if this one could be castillo. Wait. IT STILL CAN
Titan -
Justin Morneau. Do you really need to ask why?
Triton -
Johan Santana....nuff said. You are not god of the sea, you are god of the mound.

And Nick is smaller than more than 7 of his team-mates.

Ta da.

You know Pluto actually means Hades in Greek mythology...meaning the care taker of the under world..aka..satan...aka..hes more hard core than death metal/neshek

Hmmm. Fox Sports...

Got this off of one of the fun groups I go look at:

From Fox Sports:3B —
Nick Puntkiewicz, Twins Thankfully for Twins fans, Punto hasn't been playing every day of late. However, he's still a qualifier, which makes his 2007 batting line of .209 AVG/.298 OBP/.271 SLG impossibly damaging to the team's hopes. A corner defender simply cannot slug less than .300 and not be a profound liability. The Twins have also tolerated miserable production from left and DH this season, and that's a big reason they're probably not going to the playoffs.

Nick Puntkiewicz.....
Are they all out to get me, and attack my heart?
I think you are fox sports...who's next?

How DARE you bring up my ex boyfriend and mix my new boyfriends name up with it!?
But seriously.
NOT cool.

You could of just said Nick Punto. But you had to go on and say something uber naughty.

Anyways...todays line-up:

Alexi Casilla 2B
Jason Bartlett SS
Joe Mauer C
Michael Cuddyer RF
Justin Morneau 1B
Torii Hunter CF
Jason Kubel DH (I'd so rather have redmond. Yep. I SAID IT.)
Rondell White LF (wow finally on the field eh? Good luck. WE NEED IT)
Nick Punto 3B.
Starting pitcher: Scott Baker.

oh yeah.
PS: I want to write something nice tonight

oh wow..

The resemblance is uncanny....

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You know what we need?

What we've been needing for the past like..well...this whole season?

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You can take this picture many ways
For example:
"Punto actually getting on base"
"Punto producing rbi's"

.... when I say mean things about punto I feel bad, but i think of them. SO I guess I half-ass mean it...I feel like I'm flushing a kitten down the toilet every time I say something non-positive about him.
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Well..we need rbis. Not just by him ( but we all know that would be nice right about now)
I love the kid, but there comes a time when you have to sit down and realize things.
Like how he needs to step it up a couple notches.
Like a couple hundred.
I always talk nice about him because he does have it.
He has the skill. But he lost it in his pile of Swedish fish and snickers bars.

I was looking at his stats from last year, then this year. *shudders*
It doesn't anger me. It just makes me sad. I mean think how he feels.
If I was him I'd be pulling out my flame thrower and going all batty.
(not really, I mean I don't have THAT bad of an anger problem.)

He doesn't take it out on the field. Which is good. Very very good.
I give him mad-ass props for staying level headed and not snap out when something bad happens.


Sorry, had to clear my throat.

All you gotta do is

Less of this.

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More of this:

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b/c you look crazy when you run. And it's super fun to watch.


sally says:
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Thursday, August 9, 2007

you know whats awesome!?


Dear twins,

Hi. I pitched my ass of today. Last time I checked my job is to save your guys' asses while you make awesome bunts,home runs, and line drives up the middle. I think I saw De Jesus taking a cat nap in center field. And the ump and the catcher having a tea party.

Not so happy,

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