Wednesday, November 17, 2010

OMG, Finally!

If you haven't heard by now, Minnesota Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire won Manager of The Year............FINALLY.

Gardenhire has been runner up in 2003, 2004, 2006, 2008 and 2009. He is also the first manager to win six division titles in his first nine years with his team. Go Go Gadget Gardy! Now, if only he can get a bullpen that doesn't crumble or starters that can give up less than 5 hits a game(or go longer than 5 innings), or count on the power hitters hitting home runs in a stadium that is hard to hit home runs (so they say, tell that to Jim Thome or every other team that played us and got second deck home runs)

Either way, the way he managed the team last year was damn near immaculate. Among all of the injuries and shenanigans I think he stood his ground and had great composure, unlike some other coach on a certain other Minnesota team. He just didn't win the MOY because of his wins (which is a good part of it though, naturally), he won because of the respect he gets and has for his team. It isn't all about winning, its also about heart and soul in which he has a gaggle ton of.

Now that Gardy has drug me out of the peripheral writing closet I'd like to shine some light on the whole Nick Punto thing that went down.

I'm sad. Real sad. Real super duper uber sad. I know for a fact that he won't sign with us seeing that the Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies had interest in him last year. I assumed they might not pick up his option then offer him something cheaper, but who knows.
Side Note: Might I ask you to take a look at those three team names I listed. Yeah, they're good teams aren't they? Why would they want a player who 'sucks', right? I'll let you think about that one.

Once I know Nick Punto will officially be off of the team, I'll write a novel about all the memories. I know all of the fan(...s?) of him are looking forward to it. Also, I will follow him to any team and like that said team because he'd be on that said team. Yes. You read that correctly. ANY team. (Eventheyankeesimsosorry)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Don't Call Them Twinkies

Ladies and Gentlemen may I present you with possibly the best baseball song,ever. Made by a Minnesotan at least.
Its by The Baseball Project and Craig Finn (of The Hold Steady)
Enjoy, may it ravish your ear drums.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Cat Names

If you love the MN Twins and cats, this is the post for you.
I got bored. (insomnia= creativity time) so I thought of names for cats that sound like the players names.

Joe Meower.
Justin Meowneau.
Jason Mewbel.
Kevin Hissey (cause he is all the sassy)
J.J. Rawrdy.
Drew Mewtera.
Glen Prrrrrkins
Danny Meowlencia.
Jason Meowko.
Jeff Meowship.
Nick Mewto.
Ron Gardenmeower.
Cat Meowshek.
Taters. (Jim Thome)
Scratchy Baker. (mad cat)
Meowchael Cuddyer.
Ben Mreowvere.

.......okay I really need to go to bed.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Mister Incredible

Here is another one of my 2 minute craptastic paint creations.

After watching The Incredibles on DVD for the 4th time today (thanks to a 3 year old) I realized Jim Thome looks just like the dad. Or maybe I'm losing it? But either way, we all can agree on one thing. Jim Thome is Incredible.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Jim Thome Facts

You've guys been waiting, and here is a hot fresh batch of Jim Thome Facts for your consumption. I edited some Chuck Norris facts into Jim Thome facts. The other half are made by yours truly. Enjoy!


- Jim Thome doesn't do push up's. He pushes the world down.

- Jim Thome's first word was 'taters'

- Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks in his closet and under his bed for Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome's hotness is the cause of global warming.

- Al Gore hates Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome can play Wii bowling without moving. He just stares down the pins until they all fall down.

- When Jim Thome plays Oregon Trail his family doesn't die from dysentry, but rather 380 foot moon shots to the face.

- If Jim Thome was in the movie 300 they would of had to change the name to 1.

- Jim Thome is the square root of a negative number.

- The force is strong in Luke Skywalker. But Jim Thome is strong with the force.

- In the show 'LOST' Jim Thome IS the island.

- When quoting Jim Thome you must type in all caps.

- When Jim Thome walks in the woods, you'd think the wind is making the trees move. Nay, it is the trees trembling at the thought they could possibly be his next bat.

- Jim Thome ate Gilbert Grape

- Jim Thome's singing voice is a mixture between Fergie and Jesus.

- The only reason the devil went down to Georgia is because Jim Thome would never go to Georgia, so therefore it is the only safe zone for him to go.

- When Jim Thome is thirsty he quenches his thirst with a mixture of Ozzie Guillen's tears and pine tar.

- Jim Thome is the reason why the Dead Sea is dead.

- Jim Thome can solve a rubix cube just by staring at it.

- Jim Thome can touch MC Hammer

- Jim Thome never wet his bed. His bed wet itself in fear.

- There is no escape button on Jim Thome's keyboard because Jim Thome escapes from NOTHING.

- Pluto was dubbed not a planet after scientists realized it was only a baseball hit by Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome's home run balls are all collected in one place. The Kuiper belt.

- If you are wise, you would never attempt to 'poke' Jim Thome on facebook.

- Jim Thome is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right arms.

- Jim Thome knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.

- Some baseball players chew gum, Jim Thome chews tungsten carbide.

- Jim Thome knows what Willis is talking about.

- Jim Thome can slam a revolving door.

- Death once had a near Jim Thome Experience.

- Jim Thome is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

- Jim Thome doesn't have a Twitter because he's already following you.

- Jim Thome doesn't have a facebook because he doesn't have friends. He just knows people who are worthy enough to not have a line drive home run hit in their general direction.

- When Jim Thome takes a bath he doesn't get clean the water gets dirty.

- Jim Thome has the power to order a McRib at McDonalds anytime of the year and get one.

- Who needs Jimmy Johns? Jim Thome is freaky faster and freaky gooder.

- Jim Thome doesn't run the bases slowly, your brain just can't process how fast he's actually going.

- If Jim Thome points his bat at you, that is more than likely the last thing you'll see.

- Jim Thome doesn't eat. He just mashes taters until hes had his fill.

- In 'Enter The Dragon' it was actually Jim Thome who killed Chuck Norris.

- The last digit in pi is Jim Thome. He ends all things. With his bat.

- Champions are the breakfast of Jim Thome.

- The only reason Jim Thome wears batting gloves is so his hotness doesn't set the bat on fire.

- Brett Favre can throw a football over 60 yards. Jim Thome can throw Brett Favre even further.

- When Jim Thome falls into water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Jim Thome'd.

- Jim Thome cuts down trees with his bat.

- Jim Thome once played first base, then realized in real life and baseball, he goes all the way. This is how he turned into a DH.

- When Jim Thome played little league he bunted a 500 foot home run.

- Jim Thome went from crawling to mashing taters. Walking is overrated.

- There is one thing faster than the speed of light, Jim Thome's swing.

- Jim Thome has played up to level 81 in World of Warcraft.

- Toyata Priuses never had a gas pedal problem. They were just all trying to speed away from Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome doesn't compete. He wins.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Previously On LOST

WARNING: If you do not watch LOST you won't find this remotely hilarious. Well, maybe.

As you all noticed we added new pitcher to our Team.
No. Not Duensing.
No. Not Capps.
No. Not Flores.
No. Not Burnett.
No. Not Delaney.
No, not even Fuentes.

I am speaking of the one and only, Matt Fox.
If you didn't know who I was talking about by the title of my blog post you;

A: Don't watch TV
B: You live under a rock
C: You hate amazing TV
D: All of the above

Quick run down.
Matthew Fox plays Jack Shephard on LOST. LOST is a TV show that has had its final season this year. It is amazing. The ending pissed me off. But that is a whole other blog post, this is about baseball (kind of) and thats it.

Matt Fox has the same name as Matthew Fox (I really didn't need to point that out.)

So it made me think, Matt Fox is obviously Jack Shephard on LOST if I had to pick who he'd be. But the million dollar question is, who would the rest be?

Joe Mauer: Vincent. Very approachable, friendly, hairy, loves his owner (his mother) and trustworthy.

Joe Nathan: Charlie, when he was weening himself off of Heroine. Twitchy McGee.

Kevin Slowey: For some reason, Ben Linus. Book smart, sarcastic, would do anything to help, even if its killing (striking out) people (players). Also, I bet he can rock those Harry Potter adult glasses like a BOSS.

Scott Baker: Sun. Kind of timid and quiet, also listens very well but if need be she will break out and do something that surprises you. Or he'd be the hot mess that was on Jack's face when he proclaimed "We need to go back!!!" because have you seen that kids facial hair? I think its brilliant but you guys sing a different song.

Delmon Young: Walt. Because lately I've been known to yell out his name. All those silly plays in the outfield. "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalt!/Delmooooooooooon!"

Trevor Plouffe: Boone. Super attractive but isn't around long. Highly unfortunate.

Nick Punto and Ron Gardenhire: Rose and Bernard. Do I even have to tell you why? Google it you non LOST watchers, then laugh in joyous rapture.

Scotty Ullger: John Locke. You feel bad for him, he is always failing, but always tries to do better and do the right thing.........but fails.

Francisco Liriano: Ana Lucia. Because he is a bad-ass. And she is quite the bad-ass herself.

Denard Span: Mr.Eko. I'm sorry but his time on the island was almost as productive as you this year. He just pressed a button, and got killed by the smoke monster. Kind of sad.

Brendan Harris: He is Male #2 in episode 13 in season 6. Ya know, the one who gets killed by the smoke monster? Moving on.

TC: I'd simply say he was one of the Polar Bears but they get killed off right away and that is unfortunate (I know, Polar Bears on the island? Watch the show). So I'd say Hurley because he is big, snuggly, hairy and naturally the cheerleader/mascot of the island.

Drew Butera: Daniel Faraday. He is adorable and smart. Did I mention adorable? Oh, and he was a huge help in the end. It just fits. But lets hope he doesn't get killed by his mother when he goes back in time. He is the new age Marty McFly.

Danny Valencia: Its a tie, he is either the foot statue. For the longest time you didn't know a thing about him/the foot. You didn't know its potential. And then you find out there is hidden powers that dwell inside said foot. Or he's Richard Alpert. One word: EYELASHES.

Jason Repko: Sawyer. He seems like he could wrestle a hog, yet in the same day open a door for a girl and treat her to a nice dinner. Then go get into a bar fight. Babe alert.

John Rauch; The Smoke Monster. He scares me. Tikka tikka tikka! Yes, Rauch is a huge billowing and rolling mass of black smoke who kill people.

Jesse Crain: Desmond Hume. Only because I think Desmond would also wear the same necklaces that Crain wears. Also, whenever I see Crain strike someone out I could hear him whisper "See you in another life, brotha"

Note: I am sorry for the other players I did not mention. I either forgot you or simply couldn't think of who you would be. YOU, my readers should add on to this, tell me who you really think Sawyer should be or just tell me how brilliant I am.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

This Is How I See It

Remember this guy?

I sure don't. All I see now is pure awesome (even though my immature side thinks him beaming the umpire with a bat is ALL the funny and pure awesome, but I'm a bitch). Someone showed me this video again today and I actually forgot that he did that, now THAT is how good he has been lately.

Everyone says his awesomeness stems from his new swing and batting stance, and how he opens up on the ball easier. It HAS to be something more epic than that. Every game I watch he is getting RBI's, hitting home runs, and kicking ass and taking names. Yes he sometimes doesn't time the ball right in left field but this isn't about his offence right now. This is totally about his D. (Defense, you pervs)

I would go and say since he added me on facebook he has been on fire. But surely it isn't because of me (it could possibly be) because I'm not a gypsy (but a few people have told me I am one)

I do like his "Don't bring up how amazing I am being, I don't want to think about it, let me play and kick ass" mantra. It is helping him quite nicely if I do say so myself.

All in all I would just like to say, let Delmon be Delmon. He is exactly what I thought Denard Span would be this year, but isn't. Let him be amazing, don't ask what he is doing right because I bet he doesn't even know.

Now watch this:

Imagine Chevy Chase dressed as...god know what is the MN Twins and the very attractive Joel McHale is the attractive Twins fans. And we all know who Delmon Young is in this video. Now, let that blanket of warmth and safety smother you into thinking we actually have a chance into winning the division this year.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Players vs Prospects

As we all know the Twins sure do like their farm system. Many good players have been brought up from that system, including Joe Mauer. And last time I checked he is kind of a big deal. That is Twins baseball. Wholesome primmed and picked players. They need to mix things up.

It might sound like I am complaining, but I thought the Twins were FINALLY stepping out of their 'comfort zone' and starting to try new things out, with the additions of Orlando Hudson, J.J Hardy and Jim Thome. But now they are in a situation where they truly need help, and no prospect from the farm system will be able to fill that void. Unless we trade some prospects for a player.

You wanna know who the MN Twins are? They are that greedy kid who played Pokemon and didn't want to trade any cards with you, even though you are giving them a real good deal. I mean who in their right mind wouldn't take the infamous banned "Birthday Pikachu" card? Cliff Lee is that Birthday Pikachu.

Rumors of trading Wilson Ramos and Aaron Hicks for Cliff Lee are running rampant. Most Twins fans are in cahoots since both are very good top tier prospects. Who in their right mind would trade a catcher who is technically not really going to be used that much (Joe Mauer Joe Mauer Joe Mauer OMG Baby Jesus, ugh) who has great potential and would be of use to some other team and a decent outfielder for a Cy Young winner? I mean that IS crazy talk right? (warning: SARCASM ALERT) Giving two talented kids so they can have a chance to play in the Major Leagues?

I think the Twins showed that they mean serious business getting Jim Thome. (he is player of the week with a .400 batting avg and 4 hrs) I always said we needed a dominating pitcher, something we don't really make in our farm system. Cliff Lee is our answer.

MN Twins, just don't trade one of our starting pitchers for a pitcher. I've been hearing rumors about that too and let me tell you, that would be no bueno.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Here are a couple things I have noticed/thought about over the past week of seeing the Twins play.

- Bad pitching is contagious, kind of like a sneeze.

- Good pitching is contagious, kind of like something less scary than a sneeze. Because really, they are pretty much mini panic attacks. Tiny jihadi attacks to your self being.

- There ain't no party like a Nick Punto party because a Nick Punto party don't stop. After seeing him at the Major's at Major's thing, he can not only pick up his team on the field but really get people hammered. And put WAY too much eye black under my eyes.

- That Delmon Young character is a good baseball player, don't chya know?

- I am one leg on the 'get Cliff Lee omg!!!!1!!one' bandwagon. Everyone brings up trading Slowey or Blackburn, I personally think we don't need to trade a healthy starter for a two month rental. Not worth it. Get a couple triple-a and a couple double-a and lets call it a deal, am I right?

-Also, we have been in a rut as of late pitching wise. It's not like they are going to stay like that for the rest of the year. Yes, we need one extra 'oomph' to be a contender if we make the play offs. But lets not dwell on that right now.

-Minnesota Twins fans need to start enjoying baseball, and not stressing out over it. It's a past-time. Relax, watch these guys do what they love doing and cheer for them. And drink a ton of beer, eat hot dogs, and laugh when a girl says "Why are they boo'ing Kubel?"

- I am louder than Orlando Hudson with one beer in me.

- I started muting the TV for every other game and putting it on closed captioning because I need a break from Dick and Bert's old man shenanigans, ya know stating the obvious, talking about how pitchers should go 9 innings and 'that's an out in Oakland'.

-I started playing The Weepies, The Blow, The Black Keys, and The National whilst watching baseball. I consider that a way-too-much-awesome-combination. But I can handle it. Add in some gummi bears and a huge bottle of smart water and I'm golden.
( side note: I like bands that start with "The" I guess)

- Carl Pavano's mustache haunts me. Remember the Mario Brothers movie with Dennis Hopper in it? My dream was just that, but Pavano was a Mario Bro. Yes, Dennis Hopper was in it still. Why would I replace his bad-ass-ness?

-I need to make business cards, because writing on the back of a UFC flyer is not classy. And I am a classy girl.

- Seriously, STOP proposing at games guys. I mean yes, it's cute but not when it happens every day. Get a bit more creative.

- Height wise, I come up to Rauch's part I shouldn't come up to. This makes for a very awkward picture taking experience.

-Oh look, I have a personal blog: Musings From An Amuser
I don't think I've spoken once about baseball in it, yet. YES, I do have other things to talk about, shocker. I will be talking about my transfer from the city to the country, college, music I'll be making, music I enjoy, and other randomness in my awkward life.

Monday, June 14, 2010


Okay I've had it. I truly dislike our inept infield. J.J. Hardy and Orlando Hudson decided to go and ruin their wrists. I suggest they stop playing Wii right this instant. But I peg Hardy to be more of a Big Buck Hunter kind of guy. And Orlando Hudson? Don't even get me started, he is probably too busy watching Lifetime movies anyways.

We have the lowest average of Avg's in the infield in all of MLB (last time I checked, at least. Yes even lower than the Pirates. Win.) You know it's a problem when Nick Punto has the best AVG out of all of them. Oh, also? The Drew Butera experiment should be concluded very soon me thinks.

I have been trying my hardest to actually stay positive but it's starting to become hard, with all the injuries and bullpen rockiness. But I am in utter shock that we are in first place. I don't know how we do it. And the thought of Span finally coming around, and if Cuddyer learned how to hit the ball and get runs in with people on base, and if Mauer started hitting line drives not directly at someone, our team would be unstoppable.

Positives? Kubel is finally coming around. And Delmon Young decided to become a beastly clutch monster of epic proportions.

Okay, I guess I still have faith. Today is a much needed day off, not just for them but for us Twins fans. Usually we are amazing versus the National League. Let's keep that trend going.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Target Field Squirrel, Friend Or Foe?

I was at the opening game of the Twins VS Yankees series. And like the other people in the stadium I was in cahoots over that cute adorable little squirrel. You all have taken a liking to him, kind of like Kirby the Kestrel. If you haven't seen the video of him traipsing around, have a looksie:

Awwwww, isn't he cute? But I watched him slyly sneak against the outfield wall and then all a sudden he disappeared, I assumed he went into the bullpen when one of the Yankees pitchers opened the door.

I'VE SEEN HIM BEFORE. That furry bastard!

It all makes sense now. They call him "Joe Dimaggio the squirrel" and they brought him to Target Field.

Visual Approximation. (I never understood Marilyn Monroe's taste)

They sent him out there for one reason, and one reason only. To take out our hot corner.

Thankfully Brendan decided to show his quick reaction speed and avoided getting rabies and dying. They also realized taking him out would actually be doing us a favor.

Next time, Joey D The Bushy Tailed Bronx Nommer.

side note: I am aware you are near tears at the beauty of my photoshop skills. So am I, I amaze myself. And I feel bad for ripping Joe Dimaggio's head and putting it on a squirrel. Just a tiny bit though.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

OH HAI, I have internet again.

Wowwwwwwwwwwwww, not blogging for like, a month pretty much put a damper on my life. I missed aimlessly typing away complete BS for you guys to read, truly. Did you miss me? I surely hope you did. So here is a "The Season So Far ROUND UP"

- So, there is a falcon who sits on the right field foul pole. Everyone decided to name him Kirby. Come on people get creative, please. Before finding out it was an actual falcon I thought LaTroy HAWKins was pretty funny. Or Stephen HAWKing. But finding out that damn Kestrel was a freakin' hawk it crushed my witty bubble. I am going to be calling is Kessy the Kestrel. Or Karlee the Kestrel, I bet you money it's a girl. And Karlee is a wonderful, beautiful, elegant name.

- Nick Punto decided to pick up a bat and swing it, and hit baseballs. And no, not where you think he hit them. Not flying out to left or a ground ball to second base. Oh no, he hits them and gets on base. Gets runs. And Rbi's. His batting avg is currently .261 and hitting .333 / .783 at home. (avg and ops)

- Justin Morneau is a beast.

- We won a game at Yankee Stadium, that is a big deal. Massive. I really hope they means the 'curse' is over.

- watch that. It is all the hilarious.

- I still don't like Jose Mijares. And I would like to know why he got sent back up. Seriously, can someone tell me a valid reason why he is back up?

Okay kids, I will post more often. I missed you <3

ps: If you want to listen to some hot jamz, let me suggest you a song or six

I Feel Better by Hot Chip

Brothers by The Black Keys

Home by Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeroes

Bulletproof by La Roux

Horchata by Vampire Weekend

So Far Around the Bend by The National

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

LOLTwin, week one.

I have decided I will be making LOLTwins once a week. Or try to at least for your viewing pleasure.

Here is this weeks:

Kar out.

Home Opener, Broken Belts, And a Blushing 20-something.

Hi everyone! I am alive, I haven't updated since the Twins have been in town. And no I wasn't out stalking them. (Shocked? Me too, actually) I was working the streets. Wait, let me explain. I worked on a corner. Oh...let's just start over. I am a Target Brand Ambassador. I am one of those crazy kids passing out free stuff, like hats, sunglasses, spray-on sun screen, snacks, ponchos and sometimes hugs.

I sadly couldn't make it to the game but I was lurking about the whole time, going to bars and such and frolicking about the plaza. But like it was meant to be, I saw Punto slide into second breaking his belt then rip the belt off of his body on a big screen TV. It takes a lot to make me speechless but by golly that made me shut up and turn many different shades of red.
From what I saw we looked strong, and the Red Sox looked like a bunch of those birds that stick their head in the sand? Their name is escaping me at the moment, but you all are more than likely smarter than I so you know what bird I am talking about.

Hi, I'm Karlee. I like baseball, and I am disgustingly excited for this year. I think we have what it takes and then some. Rauch is a monster, who is a dominating force to be reckoned with. Our #8 hitter is blasting bombs out of the stadium and Nick Punto is producing rbi's. And we have a "Tori Hunter, the media side" kinda guy on our team to give us our 'bad-boy-think-before-I-speak' edge.
Who is that you ask? Silly Orlando Hudson and his accusations that the likes of Jermaine Dye and Gary Sheffield aren't currently playing for any MLB team because they are black. Well guess what Orlando? I can't play baseball because I'm a female. How do you think I feel? (sarcasm alert) Ever consider they are old and there are a bunch of new young up and coming stars? How do you think Dougie Baseball and Joe Crede feel? (non-sarcasm alert, well...maybe a bit for Dougie)

I can go on a tangent about how MLB is sexist and won't let short, white, chubby, and clumsy white girls play baseball. But I won't because it doesn't matter. And I'm a realist, I am not crazy. And I don't want to sound loony, kind of like O-Hud does. But I love the crazy, I embrace it.

*This is my 200th post so I will now post my favorite Nick Punto picture I took.

Oh yes.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Live From The Capital of Snuggie Cults!

Hi all this will be my first live blog of this year. Oh, aren't you thrilled?

Pre Game: Last night as we all know, we won. And also something else happened. The fans of the Angels showed us that the legalization of medical marijuana is still in full effect. Everyone in that stadium has cataracts.

Uh, this new Meteorologist on FSN makes me want to club seals. No not really, that is mean. I guess I should of said something along the lines of "makes me want to club him" ahhh thats better. Peta, hold down your pokey sticks.

Top of the first:

- ground ball outs make me sad. at least fly balls take longer. Sigh.
- Wow, ground ball outs 1-2-3. Let's hope the whole game isn't like this. Innings like that make my creativity go away.

Bottom of the first:

- Bert, you silly man. California math, just say you can't count.
- Yep. You guessed it. 1-2-3 ground outs.

Top of the second
-Gotta love it when you reach to first on a strike out. I bet Nick Punto wishes for those every day.
- Oh, Thome. Last time I checked you are supposed to hit home runs. Okay, I'll settle down. Next time.
- DELMON. Your lean cusine is ready DELMON.
- Oh, well I guess you weren't hungry enough to come 'home' and eat.

--sorry to cut this short but I need to start getting ready to go to bed :( getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Boo. GO TWINS!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

So far so good

....well for the most part.

Last nights game left me with a good feeling, but there was already some sort of worry. We all know I am a worry wart though.


The Bullpen was fantastic, sans Mijares. But he was too busy having blurry vision and being scared that Young might punch him. I was very shocked with Jesse Crain, though. For some reason I have it embedded in my brain that he will do something that will more than likely piss me off. Not saying that he will be perfect the whole season but if last night was any inclination of how he is going to be, well that makes me one happy baseball fan.

The Delmon Young project is finally working. He is fast, his lack of leg kick has surely helped his batting swing and it seems like he finally has that aura of "I'm comfortable" that it seemed like he hasn't had since coming to the Twins


Joe Mauer kind of....yeah. Let's just say he made it clear that he isn't perfect. But I shall let this one pass, this time. Also Denard Span wasn't the best last night but hey, some of the other guys some-what picked up the slack.

Excuse me where did the clutch two out hits go? Usually we are pretty good when we have men on base in scoring position. I think that is the most irritating thing in baseball for me. It's the whole fact that you can score and you are so close and you have chances and you blow them.
I am more okay with the pitcher K'ing the guys left and right. For me that just shows that the pitcher is good enough to shut down the opposing team. Now when you actually get on base and can't make things work, now that is when Karlee gets a little bit mad.

Ahhhhh, baseball how I missed thee. 161 (or maybe 162) games to go! Go Twins!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Opening Day!

Yay, baseball is finally upon us! Celebration is in order. So, I will be writing my random thoughts whilst watching the Yanks and BoSox game tonight. I'll try my hardest (lies) to play nice.

- Jorge Posada looks like a malnourished Gus from Cinderella.

- An open letter to Josh Beckett: Oh hai there just letting you know this isn't spring training. Stop pitching like it is. <3, Karlee.

- Youkillis, you straight up freak me out. From the demonic facial hair to your super awkward batting stance.

- Theo Epstein, you are a sexy man. I naturally like you because I shouldn't because I am a Twins fan. (FACT) I like men I shouldn't. Like Nick Punto.

- Ever wonder where Luis Rodríguez went? CC Sabathia ate him. When nature came-a callin', his 'remains' ended up in Cleveland.

- Lance Bass is Derek Jeters doppelganger, and no that doesn't mean I find him attractive.
(Lance was totally my favorite, he was the shy one <3)

- Seeing CC's (his bra size too, which is weird and kismet-y) leg move up that high makes me not believe in the theory of gravity. I know 'what goes up, must come down' that that thing shouldn't be able to 'go up' in the first place.

- If Paul Revere didn't say "The British Are Coming!" and Papelbon said it instead the quote would of been "Ay...ay yo. All you mother *explicit* those damn brits are coming. They are suuuper pissed about that tea...even two years later! I MEAN COME ON. GET OVER IT."

- I wish I could make fun of the New Era commercial with Evan Longoria in it. But I can't. I simply can't. I love that man.

- Oh, this is weird I haven't brought up how much I loathe Nick Swisher. Hmmm. Interesting.

- News Flash: The Umps are on the Yankees side, yet again. Am I shocked? Hecks to the naw.

- Dude, Dr.Dre and LeBron James? Shut the front door. Compton is going to be very pissed off, Dr.Dre. Eazy-e more than likely thinks its unacceptable that you are a Red Sox fan and will pop a cap in your ass.

- During the off-season I use CC's pants as my yacht cover.

- Nick Swisher, your sideburns are ugly. Stop it. Just stop it.

- Scott Schoeneweis I like your name. Schoeneneneneneneneneweis.

- Double steal? You sneaky bastards, you Yankees. Okay ya know when I always say all they have is power? I lied. I totally lied. Remember that time when Nick Punto over ra---oh...wait I forgot I swore I would never bring that up (ScottyUlllgerrrwhyyyyy!)

- Cheeseburger Cheeseburger beat out Pedroiahhhh tha bahhhstan destroyahh to the bag. Pedroia is full of anger salad. Cheeseburger Cheeseburger is full of ham that Mark Teixeira just fed him for a job well done.

-Joe Girardi should of gone the "Miley Cyrus" way and got himself some invisaligns. You straight up look like a creeper.

-Joe Morgan thinks it's faster to slide into first than running through it. Nick Punto, Joe Morgan...Joe Morgan, Nick Punto. Now that the introductions are out of the way, this is when you two become best of friends forever.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

rain rain go away!

So tomorrow will be the first game the MN Twins will play in their band-spankin-new baseball stadium. And in Minnesota fashion we will welcome them with inclement weather. I know, it sucks that it's going to rain but just think back about a month ago when we thought they'd be playing in 40 degree weather. Scared that it might snow. I'd take a nice thunderstorm in the 60s-70s any day. Well...except for tomorrow. I'd totally like it if it wouldn't rain.

Here is my only reason I am pro rain. Waterlogged baseball players.
Yes. Oh yes.

But here is the one huge issue, when on home soil Nick Punto cannot get wet nor be fed Swedish Fish past the fourth inning. And with the weather maps I have been looking at, the rain will come down hard possibly around then. And you know what Nicky Punto does when he is bored? He snacks on gummied goods. And what does he turn into exactly if he gets rained on or snacks after the 4th inning? Nobody knows, but I have a good idea of what he'd look like:

The great long eared Jerboa. It's fast, it burrows (head first, naturally) and jumps crazy heights for being so tiny. Sounds familiar? Exactly.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Target Field is not picture perfect.

I recently went down to Target Field to take a looksie, I wanted to take in every single aspect of the park, even reading the funny signs on the "trash only" trash cans. On my adventure I found something pretty interesting.

The beautiful limestone, all the windows shiny clean. The plaza looks like a picture, no trash or cigarette butts anywhere. The pennants on the fence, and that massive bronze glove still shining in the spring sunshine. Everything is situated perfectly, just awaiting on thousands of fans to come and enjoy every minute of it.

I go towards the new Twins shop and venture inside checking it out then I walk out, then I see the Stadium rules posted.

uh oh.
Super bad typo. Unless there is a thing called "affectio" I think I'll call the stadium tomorrow and point that out. How embarrassing would that be? You're welcome, MN Twins for being an obsessive OCD type of person checking out EVERYTHING.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

A weight has lifted off of me


Joe Mauer has signed an 8 year 184 million dollar contract extension. I shall celebrate and eat cookies and milk, since that is more than likely the way he will be celebrating too. Then getting his hair cut by his dad. But I will totally not let my father go near my hair.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Baseball is this years "Boy Band"

Every so often people try to market things to see if people will get interested. Just tossing a line out there waiting for a bite.

This is what Victoria's Secret is doing. Starting today over 100 stores in the states in which the teams they picked (Angels, Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, Mets, Padres, Phillies, Red Sox, Twins, White Sox and Yankees.) will start selling their line of merchandise of shirts, pants, accessories and such to the masses. I see what they are doing here.

They are gearing it towards teenagers and young adults which is totally fine but to me they are selling out the whole aspect of baseball and what it actually means. Most men think women like baseball strictly for the baseball-ass and the cute players. That is truly just a plus but not near the main reasons we like baseball. We like baseball the same reason you males like baseball, and to tell you the truth I have won many baseball arguments, and it feels amazing showing a guy who's boss.

And to tell you the truth when it comes to making baseball merchandise for women the MLB marketing team has hit a brick wall. They don't know what to do, they tried the whole "lets make pink jerseys because ALL GIRLS like pink, right?" and well, a select few girls around the age of 15 bought those jerseys.

The idea is a good one, using a store where only women shop, with sayings on the shirts that say "love love love Twins" and "I only kiss Yankees fans" and may I point out that A: putting something like that on the shirt doesn't scream out "I'm a -insert team name here- fan" it screams out "I like heightening my chances of getting herpes or mono" and B: who'd kiss a Yankee fan? Am I being a little bit brash? Why yes I am but you come to this blog to see me lash out on innocent people. It's what I do.

Alyssa Milano is an example of something that was cute for a second but then came obnoxious. No I do not want Padre's jeans with their logo on my ass, thank you very much. I want a cute hoodie that isn't too bulky with a bit of a stretch to it to form to my womanly figure. I also like vintage looking shirts. They sure did a very good job making this one:

It's cute, nice colors, and has that vintage feel to it.

I am Karlee, I am a woman. I love baseball and I don't need to tell men I like kissing Twins fans, I think that is just a give in anyways. I don't need to parade around with a billboard on my body saying so. I'll be fine with my vintage t-shirts and my loud mouth, thank you very much.

/ Women's lib.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Nick Punto: It was an F-up.

I sit here listening to the twins game on the radio, Gordon and Dazzle blabbering about things only Dazzle and Gordon would talk about, sounding awkward reading out stats, half of the time Gordon failing at saying them correctly. And Dazzle trying to sound smart. All a sudden out of nowhere Nick Punto hits the ball, FAR and STOPS, I repeat, STOPS at third base to get a triple.

This is where I flat out and predict something super ballsy. Nick Punto will get 2 home runs this year. Yes, I know.... you are thinking "Karlee whoa whoa whoa, hold on wait a tick..." but hear me out. He didn't over run third base, this shows me that he has more patience. He hit it off of the wall which also shows me that he's been eating his Wheaties.
Whenever I looked at him last year I saw him as the little engine that could. Now I see him as Bill Pullman in Independence Day, constantly being super awesome and doing Herb Brooks** type speeches before blasting aliens (balls) into the orbit. And he look totally attractive doing it too. Just like Bill Pullman does, mmmm.

So my rant comes down to this, him running past third was truly a mistake, for a minute there I bet you all thought he was secretly out to sabotage the team and rip everybody's heart strings out and eat them like a plate a spaghetti with a nice wine glass full of your tears, followed by spongecake soaked in your sorrow.

So I say, Go Go Gadget Punto!

**: There is this cute thing on youtube of a mini Herb Brooks. I wanted to point out that it is physically impossible for there to be a mini Nick Punto. I'm serious. Don't even attempt to imagine it. Cannot happen.

That is it, I am putting out a missing persons ad.

CHARTREUSE ALERT(since amber is kind of a boring color):

I have come to believe that we have lost half of Delmon Young. I don't know where he went. And I don't know how to feel about this cyborg body he left behind, all I know is that it must be an impostor. Last time he was seen his booty was very ghetto in left field. Somebody find him, and tell him that dinner is ready, DELMON!

-insert witty photoshop picture of Delmon on a side of a milk carton-

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Say it ain't so Joe!

As we all know Joe Nathan has suffered a torn ligament in his throwing arm. My first response wasn't "Oh we are screwed" I genuinely felt bad for the guy. He won't be able to play in the new stadium, he has been an amazing pitcher and this shows how precious an opportunity to play a sport is. It can last a matter of years and then abruptly just stop.

I have the bad feeling this might be a career ending injury. Most of the time when a pitcher tears a UCL there is a very small chance they will be back to how they used to preform. We could only hope he is as lucky as Liriano or Rivera.

Now on to the people that would possibly replace him.

We have Pat Neshek, we all know he is good but he himself is still getting back to 100%
I think our best bet is either Jon Rauch or yes, I am about to say this, Jesse Crain.

Now lets think about what their walk on songs would be.

Pat Neshek would more than likely have something like Chiodos, Old Avenged Sevenfold, All That Remains, In Flames, Lamb Of God, Norma Jean...I can go on. All I know is that it would be BAD-ASS.

Jon Rauch? I have a feeling it would be about the same, but possibly more scary and bad-ass.

Jesse Crain would probably play Nickelback. And that just straight up angers me. Do not want.

All I know is that I will still stand up and shout, and I shall miss your deep exhales and twitching. Let's hope the surgery does wonders.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Things I will miss about the Dome

Here is a tiny little list of the things I will actually miss at the dome.

10. I'll miss when you walk out of those doors they try so hard to keep closed after games. When you do it RIGHT after the game you will seriously face plant from all the built up air pressure. It's fabulous and worth the amount of the ticket you paid for. If we lost and I went through that door, it put a smile on my face right away. It's the little things in life. Especially when people wear hats and don't remember the intense wind blowing they are about to encounter. Visually awesome.

9. I'll miss the loading dock, easy access. One time I went down to get an application and ran into Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan. Acting innocent, dense and unawares (side note: I am very good at those three things) and not wearing a twins shirt at a game can get you places, people.

8. I'll miss that big white bubbly marshmallow roof of doom. I remember when I went to game 163 it was literally raining inside. And lucky me I was near one of the raining patches in the roof. Good idea Twins for deciding to move. That roof isn't going to last much longer.

7. I'll miss how easy it was to sneak down to better seats.

6. I'll miss college night. So many beach many.

5. I will miss the third base line seats, I really did enjoy sitting sideways in an obnoxiously small seat, it's almost as calming as listening to the ocean.

4. I will miss the Hormel Dog's "Row of Fame" song. Today they announced they will no longer be serving their hot dogs. My heart? Yeah it's totally broken.

3. Going along with the last one, I'll miss dollar dome dog Wednesdays. I don't think I missed one Wednesday last year. I love me some dollar dogs what can I say. Don't judge me. It was more like 50% Relish 50% bread and hot dog. Okay now you can judge me.

2. I'll miss that huge milk jug where they decided to put the live broadcasting for FSN by the right field. That's where Justin Morneau used to sleep. (in my imaginary world)

1. .........remember Tommy Watkins? Hahahaha, Sorry.
Anyways the one thing I will really truly miss is the magic that went on in there, and that I have been going there my whole life. When the Twins came back to town after clinching the AL pennant in 87 I was almost 2 years old but all I remember is walking up a ton of stairs with my parents and grandmother, and thinking WOW this is loud. I wouldn't be lying if I said I think that is my first real memory of my life.
I think that is why Baseball hits home so much with me, I will really truly miss that crappy stadium. But we have a brand new stadium where new memories will be made. Maybe when I have a kid, she or he can experience the magic that I did. Only one can hope because it made me a life-time fan and lover of this sport.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Vancouver 2010 Olympics.

I dove myself into the deep vast world of winter sports the past 9 days and I sat down and thought to myself "I wonder what sport Joe Mauer would do in the Winter Olympics" and then my brain decided I should write about my thoughts. We all know that is kinda frightening when things like that happen. But you have been warned.

Nick Punto:
We all know LNP, he loves to go fast and head first. His most natural choice for winter sport would be the skeleton. I wouldn't mind seeing him on his stomach in a skin tight uniform. Really, I wouldn't mind at all.

Pat Neshek:
He's kind of a spazz, so I would go on and peg him as freestyle skiing aerials or ski jumping. I could see him flying in the air. Now shut your eyes and imagine it. See?

Justin Morneau:
This one is way too easy, and frankly it pisses me off. Obviously he'd be a Hockey Player cause he's Canadian and he'd be awesome as usual blah blah blah. With his stoic like presence at the plate I'd pick him to be in male figure skating. So full of grace, you are my little syrup sucker.

Joe Mauer:
I'm stumped. This is sad. Okay, here is this if Morneau didn't do figure skating or hockey him and said Joe Mauer would totally be two man louge. We all know why. Don't fight it, they sure as heck don't. Accept the man love and embrace it.

Jon Rauch:
I think we would have to make up a new winter olympic sport for this man. I'd call it "icicle tossing" it's where he runs out into the wilderness only equipt with a bottle of blackberry brandy, and icicles the size of baseball bats and you just let him go wild, and for example he brings back a deer, more protein and Deer jerkey for team USA!

Kevin Slowey: He's adorable, likable and always seems he'd be up for a hug. So he's our Lindsey Vonn. Because on the outside he looks gentle and innocent and cute but on the inside, and on the mound he is a BEAST.

Michael Cuddyer: ...............Curling. Thats all I got. I'm sorry. He uses his boom stick, now he can use his sweepy stick.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Nick Punto. Myth or Fact.

Welcome to the first and only addition to NICK PUNTO: MYTH BUSTERS. I wish I was creative enough to make a graphic for this but you all have seen my crappy photoshop skills.

First Myth:

That Nick Punto can kill you with kindness.

FACT. Have you ever wondered where Jeff Cirillo went? Or why Matthew Lecroy just decided to stop dressing up with the team and looking like an over zealous father cheering for the team? It's because Nick Punto used his secret charming device. His kindness. It's stronger than any potion, or anything Harry Potter can do. Nick Punto does not use a wand, and he obviously doesn't use his bat. He uses his heart. He kind-ed them into the depths of the unknown. Or as we call it, retirement/coaching a A team. No, not the A Team with Mister T.

Nick Punto is greater than any baseball player ever.

FACT. Here is the break down of as to why he is the best baseball player of all time:
He doesn't listen to the third base coach, with no avail he keeps sliding head-first into first base even though everyone says it's bad for his health, he is for the most part Count Clutchula. When he isn't Count Clutchula he is over-running third base and making me want to choke him. But then they show his face looking like he just saw his childhood dog get ran over. I then go back to thinking ALL THE TIMES MICHAEL CUDDYER has gotten picked off of first base. When in doubt, blame Cuddyer. It always helps me and makes me sleep at night. He is my verbal and mental punching bag. Nick Punto can fly. And the biggest reason? He let me cop a feel of his ass while I was drunk back in the summer of 07. Thank you for that, you stood there like a champ and took it. I know for a fact any other baseball player would of cried. I am 5'3 and super scary. You are such a brave soul.

Nick Punto is 100% human.

MYTH. He is not. He is a mystical force that is made up of many things. He has the legs of a cheetah/female gymnast. The arm speed of the ever so elusive MichaelisCuddyeris. The eye to hand coordination of a Jedi Master (they are not human, they are fiction.) The heart of a lion and the ass of a Greek God.

Nick Punto sleeps.

MYTH. He does not sleep. He waits. He waits to steal bases, or a squeeze play, or anything that involves him to be all he can be. HUSTLE.
But I do wonder:
(sang to the tune of Stu's Song from the BLOCKBUSTER hit "The Hangover")
What to Punto's dream of, when they take a little Punto snooze.
Do they dream of bunting singles? Or sliding head first into a square white base.
Don't you worry your dirty scrappy head you're gonna steal second base and then pat you on back.
And then your gonna point to your best friend Gardy and then your gonna yell out "WHOS JJ HARDY?!"
Nicky Punto ohhh Nicky Nick Nicky Nicky Punto.
And if you decide to get pumped up and over run third-base. Well then we're shit outta luck.

Nick Punto makes voodoo dolls out of anyone who tries to take his position.

MYTH/FACT. The verdict is still out on this one. But I do concur. Have you ever noticed whenever they sit Little Nicky someone ends up getting hurt? When he isn't making Slushee's for Justin Morneau he is doing some crazy whack ass voodoo shit with Vladimir Guerrero.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Nick Punto.
Nicky P.
Good ol' LNP.

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways, 50 reasons why I love you, and all the cute things you do:

50. Last name is Punto. I mean really. Automatic win.
49. You keep me excited and on the edge of my seat awaiting your first and only home run per year.
48. I love how you are more of a mascot of the team than TC. But don't tell him that.
47. I swear you go up to the mound just to call the pitcher "sport" or say something cute like "cheer up butter cup, here's some razzles!"
46. You, by far have the best walk on songs ever. Rooney's Shaking and MJ's Thriller. But anyone has better taste in music than Joe Mauer.
45. You are probably the only guy on the team other than Livan Hernandez that actually enjoyed the sleeveless jerseys. And I love you for that
44. You love for Swedish Fish. So do I.
43. Your puppy dog eyes, no wonder Gardy can't yell at you.
42. The whole "is he half man half mystical creature"-ness of you.
41. You took a fist in the face from Torii Hunter.
40. Loves the fact that Nick Nelson from Nick's Twins Blog (link located on the right) brought up to me that if you google image search Nick Punto, a picture of me pops up. You have made me in some way famous. So I love you.
39. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse. Valid reason to love someone.
38. His blood is kool-aid and his insides are made of candy. Sure sounds tasty. And easy to love.
37. If you know me by now you will know my #1 reason why I love him. But I will start off and say that I love his thighs, those short thighs that looked SO CUTE in the powder blue throw backs. He looked like a 12 year old boy in his dads baseball uniform.
36. Still thinks he slept in a car bed as a small child. And I bet he had CB radios to speak to other car beds. And for that reason? More love.
35. His eyelashes are as pretty as lashes on an Emu/Ostrich. Or Richard Alpert from LOST. Yeah I went there.
34. Thinks it's adorable that you make slushee/slurpees for Justin Morneau. It's actually borderline way too cute. Puppies and Kittens snuggling in a bed of sleeping baby chicks kinda cute.
33. I like how he look like a 15 year old boy doing a presentation about the glorious and gentle Sperm Whale whenever getting interviewed.
32. The piranha commercial with Jason Bartlett. Love.
31. Your non-baseball attire. You are classy as shit, You don't dress like you are from Oregon or that your parents still dress you and think you are in 7th grade. Kind of how Joe Mauer dresses. And you don't wear affliction t shirts that I have seen, like Cuddyer and Kubel. So no need to feel the urge to curb stomp you to smithereens.
30. You are short, so am I. Let's be friends.
29. You have a messed up way of making people feel bad that they are mad that you aren't doing good. I feel like a father who has faith in said son and all he wants is him to do well, KNOWS you have it in you but you are in a rut. Get out of it! Make me proud son!
28. I'm sorry about the last reason, I freaked myself out there. Nicky wouldn't of been scared, he's never scared.
27. If Chuck Norris tried to round house kick Nick Punto in the face, Nick Punto would headfirst slide into his chest and make him automatically implode.
26. If Chuck Norris tried to punch Nick Punto with his third fist that is located under his beard, Nick Punto would tell Gardy, and Gardy would scare the shit out of Chuck Norris bringing him back to the time he was 5 when Santa Claus yelled at him for roundhouse kicking an elf, and run away.
25. I bet Nick Punto is manly enough to go to the vagina monologues and speak about how much of a vagina Nick Swisher is. Wait I shouldn't speak about my dreams. But I love him all the same.
24. For some reason whenever I see Alan from the Hangover, I think of you. Why? I'd love to know. Maybe because he is child-like, awkwardly innocent acting but just wants hookers and blow? I truly don't know. But I love you for it.
23. I want to state that Nick Punto does not want hookers and blow. He wants firm hugs and pixi stix, and love.
22. I would like to state that I would love you more if you would be a guest on Yo GabbaGabba.
21. The picture of you biting the bat, when you were with the phillies. Thank you.
20. Loves the pictures I see of you, you are either parallel to the ground, standing on your head, or look like a big ball of tiny fury. All of them equally as entertaining and lovingly adored by me.
19. Loves how you taunt the pitcher when you are on second, I mean really? Stop being cocky. Wait no don't it's cute.
18. He does not run on a flux capacitor, he runs on gummied treats. How can you NOT love that.
17. You like to smack ass almost as much as Brett Favre. And I love me some Brett Favre. So that's an automatic super love-a-thon.
16. You look up Scrappy in the dictionary and a picture of you shows up. Looking scrappy. I love how you play, I bet you have "final countdown" in your head whenever you are up to bat. Cause I always sing it out loud at the games.
15. Loves seeing you run so fast your helmet falls off of your head. I always make the Million Dollar Man sound whenever you run.
14. You never give up, even when you should. I'd never want to play any board game with you.
13. Loves that you bunt with a 3-2 count. Wait. I don't love that, wtf Nick?
12. Knows you love that Ozzie Guillen wants to have your love child, along with Morneaus. Sorry but that would be one very ugly, loud, bi polar child with Canadian influences. Like the late night craving for moose blood and maple syrup.
11. Loves how in game 163 you hit that single and I sobbed like I just won a million dollars.
10. Loves that you seriously like everyone, and it seems you always say yes. This might come in handy. Mental note taken.
9. Knows you were probably scared of Sidney Ponson. I was scared of him. I have never come across a person who said "by golly, I sure liked that creepy slimey looking epic fail from Aruba." No don't bring me to Aruba. I want to go to Cocomo.
8. I like it when you don't over run bases and get out. I love it when you don't do that. A shit ton.
7. Loves that you defy gravity. You are 5'8 yet you can jump twice your height it seems. A cat-like feature I wish to posses.
6. I love the way you look like a surprised fuzzy animal whenever a ball is thrown inside. You then look at the ump in your best innocent look and probably say something like "he's twying to hurteded me's"
5. I love you so much if you were on Dr.Phil I'd watch it. You'd probably be on it to talk to him about being addicted to sliding head first into first base. You live on the edge, sir. I still don't see how that is faster than feet first. You need to be on sports science and prove to the world the Nicky Punto way is the right way indeed.
4. Loves that you work out with David Ortiz during the off season, or at least used to. The visual alone makes me laugh.
3. Likes that you are #8. Naturally my favorite number along side #4. And yes you are one more number awesome-er than Joe Mauer.
2. Loves how fast you run, I want to jump on your back and tell you to go 88 mph so we can go back to the future.
1. I love your back side. I love that ass. I can see it from 200 yards away. You are the reason that the Home Run Porch was the best place to sit. And thirdbase line when you used to play the hot corner. You played the hot corner because you are hot. Simply put. Nick Punto is a gamer. Nick Punto is a mans man. Nick Punto is you, Nick Punto is me. Nick Punto is that dude from V for Vendetta. He is all that is good in the world, so today we salute you, tiny hustling scrappy son of a bitch. I raise my glass to you, GOOD DAY SIR.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Yay Hudson!

No, not you Wisconsin....the cooler Hudson. Orlando.

Wait, I just realized his name consists of two city names. How about that.

Maybe his name tells us a little about himself.

Hudson is a quaint city on the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota on the great St.Croix River. Weird...the TWIN cities is split by a river. Coincidence, I think not. Eat that, J.J Abrams. I could so write LOST.

As for Orlando, it's full of attractions, and Orlando is attractive? And....yeah I got nothing.

So lets celebrate!

Celebration cat! Not enthused, but still celebrating none the less!

Welcome to this frigid freakin' state. It's way different than Los Angeles. Woah, another mystical connection. Dougie Baseball plays for the Dodgers, you used to play for the Dodgers and he used to play for the Twins! I could do this Kevin Bacon thing with every player I think in the league. So that wasn't even mystical. At all.

ohhhh, la la.

I made a new header, isn't it just beautiful? I know, I know...isn't it just crazy I never went to one photoshop/graphics class? I am stunned too.

So I decided a new thing this season I will be doing Tweetsday Tweets. Thursday is now Tweetsday. I will be posting my favorite Tweets from baseball players and obviously picking what they say apart and make silly accusations. So today will be the first Tweetsday Tweets!

The first comes from my favorite baseball player ever.


@NickSwisher What did you have for lunch today?

I had Jambalaya, Nick Swisher. I surely hope you had a big steaming bowl of shut the fuck up.

Today was a long day. I'm on my way hone from gettin swole! Lol

Okay Denard, I will let you get by with one typo. Since you are new to Twitter. I am very pleased with you using the word Swole. My girl crush just got crushier. So much I have to show one more of your recent Tweets, which was a three part tweet but I will combine them all.

@thisisdspan I see that my humor has brought more humors back towards me! Why r u guys getting mad at me for the weather here?!we all have choices in Life and all u twins fans decide to live in Minnesota where u get no sun for 11 months and do fun things like ice fishing and drinking hot Chocolate all day long! Lol I mean honestly I so very NOT jealous of minnesotoans lol! But that's why I love u guys bc u go thru a lot and I've also been threw a lot.

Oh Denard, you young tweeter. I know it's hard to write on iphones and the such. Denard I will bring all the humors back towards you, if you know what I mean. This mass tweet made me crack up, I am glad he pointed out how insane we are that we live in a place with no sun, and all we do is fish and drink hot chocolate. Because really, I'm not going to be the one standing in center field after they plowed 5 inhes of snow off of the field in 30 degree weather, you are. I'll be in the stands wrapped up in a damn snuggie singing "lets get Denarded! Ha! Let's get Denarded IN HERRRRRE"....and more than likely drinking hot chocolate.

I sense that Denard will be the Minnesota Twins version of @vshiancoe

And now onto our final Tweetsday Tweet!

mattholliday7 Big fan of the new creed album, helps me get through long bike workout

.......Creed? Really? Oh before I say anything he decided to lash out and Tweet this minutes after the tweet I just showed you "Save it all you creed haters, I'm sure your iPod is filled with perfection. Let me know what's cool"

Damn straight my iPod is filled with perfection. Anything with Huey Lewis and the News, Spandau Ballet, Rick Astley, and *NSYNC is damn near perfection. Silly Matt Holliday. Whatever makes you sleep at night, or...get you through your bike workouts. I suggest he tries out Joe Mauers walk on song on repeat. (I highly suggest nobody put themselves through such torture)

Lastly, I made an OMGMNTwins twitter! BE ONE OF MY MINIONS. <3


And if you want to dabble into my personal life:

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The year of the J.

Is it just me or are there a whole lot of guys on the team that has the letter "J" at the beginning of their first or last name?(The ones that matter, naturally) We sign J.J Hardy and now Jim Thome? All we need to do is sign Jarrod Washburn and I'll be a happy camper. Oh yeah and give Joe Mauer 500 billion dollars and all you can eat Jimmy Johns (more J's) so he'd stay in Jminnesota.

Jim Thome is the baseball version of Brett Favre, let's just hope he doesn't strike out and lose the game in the third straight game 163 at the end of the 2010 season vs the Royals. (did you catch the whole, 'that will never happen because the Royals are the Lions of baseball.' aura?)

Did I mention that J.J Hardy and Jeff Manship are complete babes? I think I might have some new baseball boyfriends, watch it Punto and Slowey you got competition. Manship was born in 85 so he is automatically way more awesome than anyone else on the team. Gomez used to be my 85 buddy, and birthday partner but he up and left me.

So kids, I'll be at twins fest on Saturday. You can find me playing patty cake with TC, or stalking Nick Punto all Dick Cheney-esque.

So simply put here is my take on signing Jim Thome. Yes, he's old. He'll be most def a hall of famer, he still has it and really think of our past "bench" guys. Please. Matthew Lecroy, Jeff Cirillo, Mike Lamb, Brian Buscher, and I can't forget lil L Rod Luis Rodriguez. He is the best we have had in a long, long time. And for 1.5 mil!? Uh can you say steal? Yikes.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Rundown.

So, I know it's been a while....I could tell you all my reasons as to why it's been so long I have written but I'd rather just tell you I've been fighting the resistance of the apocalyptic force of a certain purple and green dinosaur from planet channel 2. It's complete bullshit but it made you stop wondering now didn't it?

Now onto what I do best. Talk about baseball in the way a drunken college guy would to his friends while playing beer pong.

Dude, have you all seen Pat Neshek lately? I remember the day when he looked so lanky but he kind of looks like a brick house now. I don't know if it's just me, but I see it. It's been a while since we have been graced with the wondrous presence of said awesome man. Pat Neshek is too hard-core to even attempt to think of using performance enhancing drugs.
He's a good Minnesota boy, not a stupid guy from Jersey Shore. But if he was a character (I know they are human beings but, that show just CANNOT be real) on Jersey Shore his guido name would be "the freakshow" for super obvious reasons. Sorry Tim Lincecum for stealing your nick name, he is all the crazy and you just look like you should be a member of Miley Cyrus' band.

Now onto the main reason of this rant. I think Pat Neshek finally started eating red meat again. Remember I blamed his arm issue on his addiction to Wii and his weak body with the lack of meats? Do any of you remember me posting this picture? :

That picture has came to fruition. But he isn't Sidney Ponson fat. But he HAS to be nomming on some cheeseburgers now. He looks healthy and ready to kick some ass.

We acquired JJ Hardy from the Brewers in the off-season. My friend who is a Brewers fan (yeah, they have weird right?) said the ladies loved JJ Hardy. But I must say he has some serious competition here. Have you SEEN Joe Mauer? Holy crap. He's kind of a stud.

JJ Hardy, I heard someone really misses you though:

Ryan Braun, in his natural habitat. He misses sharing his grubs with you.

It's alright, Nick Punto will make you slushies and feed you gummi bears he keeps in his pocket. And then let you ride on his unicorn.

.....I know, I bet you all missed me.

Kar out.

side note: BRETT FAVRE.

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Macy's owns my soul. I sling lotions and makeup to make you feel pretty, and smell of gingery goodness. And no, I don't have any samples.