Friday, February 12, 2010

Nick Punto. Myth or Fact.

Welcome to the first and only addition to NICK PUNTO: MYTH BUSTERS. I wish I was creative enough to make a graphic for this but you all have seen my crappy photoshop skills.

First Myth:

That Nick Punto can kill you with kindness.

FACT. Have you ever wondered where Jeff Cirillo went? Or why Matthew Lecroy just decided to stop dressing up with the team and looking like an over zealous father cheering for the team? It's because Nick Punto used his secret charming device. His kindness. It's stronger than any potion, or anything Harry Potter can do. Nick Punto does not use a wand, and he obviously doesn't use his bat. He uses his heart. He kind-ed them into the depths of the unknown. Or as we call it, retirement/coaching a A team. No, not the A Team with Mister T.

Nick Punto is greater than any baseball player ever.

FACT. Here is the break down of as to why he is the best baseball player of all time:
He doesn't listen to the third base coach, with no avail he keeps sliding head-first into first base even though everyone says it's bad for his health, he is for the most part Count Clutchula. When he isn't Count Clutchula he is over-running third base and making me want to choke him. But then they show his face looking like he just saw his childhood dog get ran over. I then go back to thinking ALL THE TIMES MICHAEL CUDDYER has gotten picked off of first base. When in doubt, blame Cuddyer. It always helps me and makes me sleep at night. He is my verbal and mental punching bag. Nick Punto can fly. And the biggest reason? He let me cop a feel of his ass while I was drunk back in the summer of 07. Thank you for that, you stood there like a champ and took it. I know for a fact any other baseball player would of cried. I am 5'3 and super scary. You are such a brave soul.

Nick Punto is 100% human.

MYTH. He is not. He is a mystical force that is made up of many things. He has the legs of a cheetah/female gymnast. The arm speed of the ever so elusive MichaelisCuddyeris. The eye to hand coordination of a Jedi Master (they are not human, they are fiction.) The heart of a lion and the ass of a Greek God.

Nick Punto sleeps.

MYTH. He does not sleep. He waits. He waits to steal bases, or a squeeze play, or anything that involves him to be all he can be. HUSTLE.
But I do wonder:
(sang to the tune of Stu's Song from the BLOCKBUSTER hit "The Hangover")
What to Punto's dream of, when they take a little Punto snooze.
Do they dream of bunting singles? Or sliding head first into a square white base.
Don't you worry your dirty scrappy head you're gonna steal second base and then pat you on back.
And then your gonna point to your best friend Gardy and then your gonna yell out "WHOS JJ HARDY?!"
Nicky Punto ohhh Nicky Nick Nicky Nicky Punto.
And if you decide to get pumped up and over run third-base. Well then we're shit outta luck.

Nick Punto makes voodoo dolls out of anyone who tries to take his position.

MYTH/FACT. The verdict is still out on this one. But I do concur. Have you ever noticed whenever they sit Little Nicky someone ends up getting hurt? When he isn't making Slushee's for Justin Morneau he is doing some crazy whack ass voodoo shit with Vladimir Guerrero.


Sarah said...

I knew your Nick Punto Day post would be awesome!

Karleeee said...

Hahahaha, naturally Sarah I am such a spazz. Long time no talk :) Nick Punto has joined us bloggers together. Like one big happy family.

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