Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Things I will miss about the Dome

Here is a tiny little list of the things I will actually miss at the dome.

10. I'll miss when you walk out of those doors they try so hard to keep closed after games. When you do it RIGHT after the game you will seriously face plant from all the built up air pressure. It's fabulous and worth the amount of the ticket you paid for. If we lost and I went through that door, it put a smile on my face right away. It's the little things in life. Especially when people wear hats and don't remember the intense wind blowing they are about to encounter. Visually awesome.

9. I'll miss the loading dock, easy access. One time I went down to get an application and ran into Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan. Acting innocent, dense and unawares (side note: I am very good at those three things) and not wearing a twins shirt at a game can get you places, people.

8. I'll miss that big white bubbly marshmallow roof of doom. I remember when I went to game 163 it was literally raining inside. And lucky me I was near one of the raining patches in the roof. Good idea Twins for deciding to move. That roof isn't going to last much longer.

7. I'll miss how easy it was to sneak down to better seats.

6. I'll miss college night. So many beach many.

5. I will miss the third base line seats, I really did enjoy sitting sideways in an obnoxiously small seat, it's almost as calming as listening to the ocean.

4. I will miss the Hormel Dog's "Row of Fame" song. Today they announced they will no longer be serving their hot dogs. My heart? Yeah it's totally broken.

3. Going along with the last one, I'll miss dollar dome dog Wednesdays. I don't think I missed one Wednesday last year. I love me some dollar dogs what can I say. Don't judge me. It was more like 50% Relish 50% bread and hot dog. Okay now you can judge me.

2. I'll miss that huge milk jug where they decided to put the live broadcasting for FSN by the right field. That's where Justin Morneau used to sleep. (in my imaginary world)

1. .........remember Tommy Watkins? Hahahaha, Sorry.
Anyways the one thing I will really truly miss is the magic that went on in there, and that I have been going there my whole life. When the Twins came back to town after clinching the AL pennant in 87 I was almost 2 years old but all I remember is walking up a ton of stairs with my parents and grandmother, and thinking WOW this is loud. I wouldn't be lying if I said I think that is my first real memory of my life.
I think that is why Baseball hits home so much with me, I will really truly miss that crappy stadium. But we have a brand new stadium where new memories will be made. Maybe when I have a kid, she or he can experience the magic that I did. Only one can hope because it made me a life-time fan and lover of this sport.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Vancouver 2010 Olympics.

I dove myself into the deep vast world of winter sports the past 9 days and I sat down and thought to myself "I wonder what sport Joe Mauer would do in the Winter Olympics" and then my brain decided I should write about my thoughts. We all know that is kinda frightening when things like that happen. But you have been warned.

Nick Punto:
We all know LNP, he loves to go fast and head first. His most natural choice for winter sport would be the skeleton. I wouldn't mind seeing him on his stomach in a skin tight uniform. Really, I wouldn't mind at all.

Pat Neshek:
He's kind of a spazz, so I would go on and peg him as freestyle skiing aerials or ski jumping. I could see him flying in the air. Now shut your eyes and imagine it. See?

Justin Morneau:
This one is way too easy, and frankly it pisses me off. Obviously he'd be a Hockey Player cause he's Canadian and he'd be awesome as usual blah blah blah. With his stoic like presence at the plate I'd pick him to be in male figure skating. So full of grace, you are my little syrup sucker.

Joe Mauer:
I'm stumped. This is sad. Okay, here is this if Morneau didn't do figure skating or hockey him and said Joe Mauer would totally be two man louge. We all know why. Don't fight it, they sure as heck don't. Accept the man love and embrace it.

Jon Rauch:
I think we would have to make up a new winter olympic sport for this man. I'd call it "icicle tossing" it's where he runs out into the wilderness only equipt with a bottle of blackberry brandy, and icicles the size of baseball bats and you just let him go wild, and for example he brings back a deer, more protein and Deer jerkey for team USA!

Kevin Slowey: He's adorable, likable and always seems he'd be up for a hug. So he's our Lindsey Vonn. Because on the outside he looks gentle and innocent and cute but on the inside, and on the mound he is a BEAST.

Michael Cuddyer: ...............Curling. Thats all I got. I'm sorry. He uses his boom stick, now he can use his sweepy stick.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Nick Punto. Myth or Fact.

Welcome to the first and only addition to NICK PUNTO: MYTH BUSTERS. I wish I was creative enough to make a graphic for this but you all have seen my crappy photoshop skills.

First Myth:

That Nick Punto can kill you with kindness.

FACT. Have you ever wondered where Jeff Cirillo went? Or why Matthew Lecroy just decided to stop dressing up with the team and looking like an over zealous father cheering for the team? It's because Nick Punto used his secret charming device. His kindness. It's stronger than any potion, or anything Harry Potter can do. Nick Punto does not use a wand, and he obviously doesn't use his bat. He uses his heart. He kind-ed them into the depths of the unknown. Or as we call it, retirement/coaching a A team. No, not the A Team with Mister T.

Nick Punto is greater than any baseball player ever.

FACT. Here is the break down of as to why he is the best baseball player of all time:
He doesn't listen to the third base coach, with no avail he keeps sliding head-first into first base even though everyone says it's bad for his health, he is for the most part Count Clutchula. When he isn't Count Clutchula he is over-running third base and making me want to choke him. But then they show his face looking like he just saw his childhood dog get ran over. I then go back to thinking ALL THE TIMES MICHAEL CUDDYER has gotten picked off of first base. When in doubt, blame Cuddyer. It always helps me and makes me sleep at night. He is my verbal and mental punching bag. Nick Punto can fly. And the biggest reason? He let me cop a feel of his ass while I was drunk back in the summer of 07. Thank you for that, you stood there like a champ and took it. I know for a fact any other baseball player would of cried. I am 5'3 and super scary. You are such a brave soul.

Nick Punto is 100% human.

MYTH. He is not. He is a mystical force that is made up of many things. He has the legs of a cheetah/female gymnast. The arm speed of the ever so elusive MichaelisCuddyeris. The eye to hand coordination of a Jedi Master (they are not human, they are fiction.) The heart of a lion and the ass of a Greek God.

Nick Punto sleeps.

MYTH. He does not sleep. He waits. He waits to steal bases, or a squeeze play, or anything that involves him to be all he can be. HUSTLE.
But I do wonder:
(sang to the tune of Stu's Song from the BLOCKBUSTER hit "The Hangover")
What to Punto's dream of, when they take a little Punto snooze.
Do they dream of bunting singles? Or sliding head first into a square white base.
Don't you worry your dirty scrappy head you're gonna steal second base and then pat you on back.
And then your gonna point to your best friend Gardy and then your gonna yell out "WHOS JJ HARDY?!"
Nicky Punto ohhh Nicky Nick Nicky Nicky Punto.
And if you decide to get pumped up and over run third-base. Well then we're shit outta luck.

Nick Punto makes voodoo dolls out of anyone who tries to take his position.

MYTH/FACT. The verdict is still out on this one. But I do concur. Have you ever noticed whenever they sit Little Nicky someone ends up getting hurt? When he isn't making Slushee's for Justin Morneau he is doing some crazy whack ass voodoo shit with Vladimir Guerrero.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


Nick Punto.
Nicky P.
Good ol' LNP.

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways, 50 reasons why I love you, and all the cute things you do:

50. Last name is Punto. I mean really. Automatic win.
49. You keep me excited and on the edge of my seat awaiting your first and only home run per year.
48. I love how you are more of a mascot of the team than TC. But don't tell him that.
47. I swear you go up to the mound just to call the pitcher "sport" or say something cute like "cheer up butter cup, here's some razzles!"
46. You, by far have the best walk on songs ever. Rooney's Shaking and MJ's Thriller. But anyone has better taste in music than Joe Mauer.
45. You are probably the only guy on the team other than Livan Hernandez that actually enjoyed the sleeveless jerseys. And I love you for that
44. You love for Swedish Fish. So do I.
43. Your puppy dog eyes, no wonder Gardy can't yell at you.
42. The whole "is he half man half mystical creature"-ness of you.
41. You took a fist in the face from Torii Hunter.
40. Loves the fact that Nick Nelson from Nick's Twins Blog (link located on the right) brought up to me that if you google image search Nick Punto, a picture of me pops up. You have made me in some way famous. So I love you.
39. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse. Valid reason to love someone.
38. His blood is kool-aid and his insides are made of candy. Sure sounds tasty. And easy to love.
37. If you know me by now you will know my #1 reason why I love him. But I will start off and say that I love his thighs, those short thighs that looked SO CUTE in the powder blue throw backs. He looked like a 12 year old boy in his dads baseball uniform.
36. Still thinks he slept in a car bed as a small child. And I bet he had CB radios to speak to other car beds. And for that reason? More love.
35. His eyelashes are as pretty as lashes on an Emu/Ostrich. Or Richard Alpert from LOST. Yeah I went there.
34. Thinks it's adorable that you make slushee/slurpees for Justin Morneau. It's actually borderline way too cute. Puppies and Kittens snuggling in a bed of sleeping baby chicks kinda cute.
33. I like how he look like a 15 year old boy doing a presentation about the glorious and gentle Sperm Whale whenever getting interviewed.
32. The piranha commercial with Jason Bartlett. Love.
31. Your non-baseball attire. You are classy as shit, You don't dress like you are from Oregon or that your parents still dress you and think you are in 7th grade. Kind of how Joe Mauer dresses. And you don't wear affliction t shirts that I have seen, like Cuddyer and Kubel. So no need to feel the urge to curb stomp you to smithereens.
30. You are short, so am I. Let's be friends.
29. You have a messed up way of making people feel bad that they are mad that you aren't doing good. I feel like a father who has faith in said son and all he wants is him to do well, KNOWS you have it in you but you are in a rut. Get out of it! Make me proud son!
28. I'm sorry about the last reason, I freaked myself out there. Nicky wouldn't of been scared, he's never scared.
27. If Chuck Norris tried to round house kick Nick Punto in the face, Nick Punto would headfirst slide into his chest and make him automatically implode.
26. If Chuck Norris tried to punch Nick Punto with his third fist that is located under his beard, Nick Punto would tell Gardy, and Gardy would scare the shit out of Chuck Norris bringing him back to the time he was 5 when Santa Claus yelled at him for roundhouse kicking an elf, and run away.
25. I bet Nick Punto is manly enough to go to the vagina monologues and speak about how much of a vagina Nick Swisher is. Wait I shouldn't speak about my dreams. But I love him all the same.
24. For some reason whenever I see Alan from the Hangover, I think of you. Why? I'd love to know. Maybe because he is child-like, awkwardly innocent acting but just wants hookers and blow? I truly don't know. But I love you for it.
23. I want to state that Nick Punto does not want hookers and blow. He wants firm hugs and pixi stix, and love.
22. I would like to state that I would love you more if you would be a guest on Yo GabbaGabba.
21. The picture of you biting the bat, when you were with the phillies. Thank you.
20. Loves the pictures I see of you, you are either parallel to the ground, standing on your head, or look like a big ball of tiny fury. All of them equally as entertaining and lovingly adored by me.
19. Loves how you taunt the pitcher when you are on second, I mean really? Stop being cocky. Wait no don't it's cute.
18. He does not run on a flux capacitor, he runs on gummied treats. How can you NOT love that.
17. You like to smack ass almost as much as Brett Favre. And I love me some Brett Favre. So that's an automatic super love-a-thon.
16. You look up Scrappy in the dictionary and a picture of you shows up. Looking scrappy. I love how you play, I bet you have "final countdown" in your head whenever you are up to bat. Cause I always sing it out loud at the games.
15. Loves seeing you run so fast your helmet falls off of your head. I always make the Million Dollar Man sound whenever you run.
14. You never give up, even when you should. I'd never want to play any board game with you.
13. Loves that you bunt with a 3-2 count. Wait. I don't love that, wtf Nick?
12. Knows you love that Ozzie Guillen wants to have your love child, along with Morneaus. Sorry but that would be one very ugly, loud, bi polar child with Canadian influences. Like the late night craving for moose blood and maple syrup.
11. Loves how in game 163 you hit that single and I sobbed like I just won a million dollars.
10. Loves that you seriously like everyone, and it seems you always say yes. This might come in handy. Mental note taken.
9. Knows you were probably scared of Sidney Ponson. I was scared of him. I have never come across a person who said "by golly, I sure liked that creepy slimey looking epic fail from Aruba." No don't bring me to Aruba. I want to go to Cocomo.
8. I like it when you don't over run bases and get out. I love it when you don't do that. A shit ton.
7. Loves that you defy gravity. You are 5'8 yet you can jump twice your height it seems. A cat-like feature I wish to posses.
6. I love the way you look like a surprised fuzzy animal whenever a ball is thrown inside. You then look at the ump in your best innocent look and probably say something like "he's twying to hurteded me's"
5. I love you so much if you were on Dr.Phil I'd watch it. You'd probably be on it to talk to him about being addicted to sliding head first into first base. You live on the edge, sir. I still don't see how that is faster than feet first. You need to be on sports science and prove to the world the Nicky Punto way is the right way indeed.
4. Loves that you work out with David Ortiz during the off season, or at least used to. The visual alone makes me laugh.
3. Likes that you are #8. Naturally my favorite number along side #4. And yes you are one more number awesome-er than Joe Mauer.
2. Loves how fast you run, I want to jump on your back and tell you to go 88 mph so we can go back to the future.
1. I love your back side. I love that ass. I can see it from 200 yards away. You are the reason that the Home Run Porch was the best place to sit. And thirdbase line when you used to play the hot corner. You played the hot corner because you are hot. Simply put. Nick Punto is a gamer. Nick Punto is a mans man. Nick Punto is you, Nick Punto is me. Nick Punto is that dude from V for Vendetta. He is all that is good in the world, so today we salute you, tiny hustling scrappy son of a bitch. I raise my glass to you, GOOD DAY SIR.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Yay Hudson!

No, not you Wisconsin....the cooler Hudson. Orlando.

Wait, I just realized his name consists of two city names. How about that.

Maybe his name tells us a little about himself.

Hudson is a quaint city on the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota on the great St.Croix River. Weird...the TWIN cities is split by a river. Coincidence, I think not. Eat that, J.J Abrams. I could so write LOST.

As for Orlando, it's full of attractions, and Orlando is attractive? And....yeah I got nothing.

So lets celebrate!

Celebration cat! Not enthused, but still celebrating none the less!

Welcome to this frigid freakin' state. It's way different than Los Angeles. Woah, another mystical connection. Dougie Baseball plays for the Dodgers, you used to play for the Dodgers and he used to play for the Twins! I could do this Kevin Bacon thing with every player I think in the league. So that wasn't even mystical. At all.

ohhhh, la la.

I made a new header, isn't it just beautiful? I know, I know...isn't it just crazy I never went to one photoshop/graphics class? I am stunned too.

So I decided a new thing this season I will be doing Tweetsday Tweets. Thursday is now Tweetsday. I will be posting my favorite Tweets from baseball players and obviously picking what they say apart and make silly accusations. So today will be the first Tweetsday Tweets!

The first comes from my favorite baseball player ever.


@NickSwisher What did you have for lunch today?

I had Jambalaya, Nick Swisher. I surely hope you had a big steaming bowl of shut the fuck up.

Today was a long day. I'm on my way hone from gettin swole! Lol

Okay Denard, I will let you get by with one typo. Since you are new to Twitter. I am very pleased with you using the word Swole. My girl crush just got crushier. So much I have to show one more of your recent Tweets, which was a three part tweet but I will combine them all.

@thisisdspan I see that my humor has brought more humors back towards me! Why r u guys getting mad at me for the weather here?!we all have choices in Life and all u twins fans decide to live in Minnesota where u get no sun for 11 months and do fun things like ice fishing and drinking hot Chocolate all day long! Lol I mean honestly I so very NOT jealous of minnesotoans lol! But that's why I love u guys bc u go thru a lot and I've also been threw a lot.

Oh Denard, you young tweeter. I know it's hard to write on iphones and the such. Denard I will bring all the humors back towards you, if you know what I mean. This mass tweet made me crack up, I am glad he pointed out how insane we are that we live in a place with no sun, and all we do is fish and drink hot chocolate. Because really, I'm not going to be the one standing in center field after they plowed 5 inhes of snow off of the field in 30 degree weather, you are. I'll be in the stands wrapped up in a damn snuggie singing "lets get Denarded! Ha! Let's get Denarded IN HERRRRRE"....and more than likely drinking hot chocolate.

I sense that Denard will be the Minnesota Twins version of @vshiancoe

And now onto our final Tweetsday Tweet!

mattholliday7 Big fan of the new creed album, helps me get through long bike workout

.......Creed? Really? Oh before I say anything he decided to lash out and Tweet this minutes after the tweet I just showed you "Save it all you creed haters, I'm sure your iPod is filled with perfection. Let me know what's cool"

Damn straight my iPod is filled with perfection. Anything with Huey Lewis and the News, Spandau Ballet, Rick Astley, and *NSYNC is damn near perfection. Silly Matt Holliday. Whatever makes you sleep at night, or...get you through your bike workouts. I suggest he tries out Joe Mauers walk on song on repeat. (I highly suggest nobody put themselves through such torture)

Lastly, I made an OMGMNTwins twitter! BE ONE OF MY MINIONS. <3


And if you want to dabble into my personal life:

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Macy's owns my soul. I sling lotions and makeup to make you feel pretty, and smell of gingery goodness. And no, I don't have any samples.