Remember the Minnesota Moose?

You Don't?
Good.
Moose...or Mooseys (more than one moose who sucks at grammar) in Minnesota= bad news.


I kind of thought we had a chance to win tonight.
Adam Everett has now used up all his greatness the past couple of days, I'll be gosh darn sure of it if he starts sucking a big one.

Oh no, believe me I'm the type thats more, optimistic than pessimistic.
Only if involves me not making fun of someone.
If I'm able to make fun of something, I'm ALWAYS negative.
I always make fun of something or someone.
So I hate you all.


Oh. Speaking of sucking.

Twins Bullpen.
I remember last year I'm all "we got this bullpen locked up all we need is a good dh and a third basemen and we're good to go!"

Then our whole team left.
Then Pat Neshek show boated.
Then he got hurt.
Then all a sudden, we just imploded.
Cuddyer got hurt.
Punto got hurt.
Everett got hurt.
Then everyone got hurt.
Then the bullpen got used way too much and now they cannot come back from wii elbow.
I mean...pitching too much.

I saw the always annoying ball boy take one right in the hoodinks.
I got hurt, yes..I got hurt.
Right *points to heart* here.


You know when you write down lets say, a long letter to a loved one with a pencil?
(this might only apply for left handers, since everything is made for you right handed nazi monkeys)
And you get all that lead on the side of your hand?
Thats (B)Oof.
Everything is going fine, you made mistakes but you erase them and like, draw a cute heart with the lace around it with the innitials JM&JM=...J&JM?*
You smile at your work. And then you fold the paper and...

SHIT IM SO MAD, I have this nasty mark on my hand and it wont go away.
OH NO I folded the paper with my hand! MY NOTE IS MESSY.

The Paper= The Game
What u wrote on the paper= The good innings you pitched
The nasty mark on your hand and now on your paper= Boof sucking.


Boof, I'm breaking up with you.
I'd send my homing pidgeon with a note attached that said "Im leaving your heart in the bullpen. You are no longer my starter. PS:Light beer still makes you fat"




*JM+JM = JJM = Joe Mauer + Justin Morneau= Justin & Joe Mauerneau

Yes, I'm alive.

I tend to disappear out of sight sometimes.


Run down of the past 5445844 days I've missed I will post you 50 thoughts:

1. Nick Swisher sucks super bad at first base. You made me laugh hard, and I burned calories on you account. Thank you for making me less fat.
2. Nick Swisher loses his gloves because he likes boys.
3. Nick Punto is great.
4. Carlos Gomez needs to step it up or get outtaaa herrrre.
5. I don't know about my feelings for cuddyer coming back. No serious. I don't know stop nagging me.
6. Our Bullpen sucks a big huge one on the road, and its starting to piss me straight off.
7. Why is Adam Everett still playing?
8. I don't give two fucks about Brett Farve, this is a damn BASEBALL BLOG! :)
9. But hes kinda cute for an old guy.
10. AJ Pierzynski even gets punched in the face when he isn't even IN the fight.. that how much people hate him.
11. Joe Nathan has been making me nervous lately. And ya know what that should NOT HAPPEN...example tonights game. He hits a hitter. Then gives up two singles now bases are loaded with 2 out. Bottom of the 9th. Joe Nathan do not make me wanna cut a bitch.
12.Thank you.....we win. ANYWAYS.
13. I miss Juan Rincon.......HAH KIDDING.
14. I have a huge new hatred for "ibanez" why hes in " " 's? I don't know. But he's what we call a "douche bag"
15. On a scale to one the ten, who would win in a running race? Carlos Gomez or a great horned owl. I know the owl can fly, as can gomez.
16.I miss guardado. And I miss dougy baseball. He so could of learned how to play third base. Admit it he'd be better at third than Lamb or Harris. Buscher eeeeeeh i dunno.
17. I like ta do tha cha-cha.
18. I really hope the last games this year won't give me an aneurysm. It seems like the twins and fux have raced ahead out of the gate. Detroit has no chance anymore.
19. I really wish we got someone before the deadline. How about we pick someone up off of waivers? Oh crap I forgot it's the MN Twins I'm talking about.
20. You getting bored yet? Just think of Nick Swisher wearing a panda costume. Then think of you holding a bat. Yeah see I got you interested again.
21. I think Mike Pomeranz is sexually attractive.
22. Sorry did I creep you out? He used to play in the twins farm system, thats why I brought him up, yep.
23. You know who else did? .....I don't know I'm asking YOU.
24. every time I go to a twins game, I end up getting into a stare down with a kid. And why do they always win? I should creep them out enough to turn around and watch the game. But no. They stare at me. It's creepy. Maybe they want my lucky charms who knows.
25. New Kids On The Block played at M.O.A today.......what?
26. Packers new quarterback has big eyeballs.
27. Oh when we're in the world series, I'll be having viewing parties at my house. Oh you think I'm being super crazy thinking we'll be in the world series? We will. And it will be again the Cubs. Ron Coomer will burst into a butterfly since his very puffy body was it's cocoon.
28. I love Stephen Colbert. I wish he was my creepy next door neighboor. Read his section in his book about sports it will change your life.
29. I love the person who picks the music at the dome. Whoever plays the ting tings and vampire weekend is good in my book. I think they should play the Jonas Brothers. I mean the Doobie Brothers...wait I mean..The Allman Brothers...I mean The jackson 5...or...the osmonds.
30. I'm a little bit country.... I'm a little bit, ....let's make out sis.
31. BACK TO BASEBALL! So whats the deal with Manny? I never saw him as a east coast guy. He can sock puppet* it up with Torii Hunter. (*hand puppets made of socks, who are more than likely very annoying and they blab about nonsense)
32. Ozzie Guillen is also a sock puppet.
33. I will be selling Ozzie Guillen sock puppets soon.
34. My mom says whenever she hears the name Guillen, which is too much since there is a guillen on almost every team, I swear. She says it reminds her of Ed Gein. And in which it reminds her of Skin Stretched Lamps. I capitalized all of that because I think that would be a dandy little band name.
35. The Skin Stretched Lamps and Pippy...with the new single "it puts the lotion on the skin"
36. So anyone hear about Johan Santana? No? Shock.
37. Delmon Youngs new nick name: dark knight.
38. On my x-mas list: the twins to get an azn to play for us next year.
39. So I hear Casilla is healing nicely and he might be able to play in two weeks? Thats epic.
40. I'll admit it. I'm happy that Barlett and Garza are on a good team. But uh, they got the better side of the trade I concur.
41. I love it when 70 year old men wear bright blue shirts with pink red and yellow stripes. It makes my day brighter. Because WOW it was a bright shirt let me tell you.
42. As you can tell I'm kind of loosing steam here. Let me chew on a starburst to get some of my creative juices flowing.....
43. Jesse Crain sucks....WOW see the starbust worked!
44. I think Brendan Harris' next walk on song should be Burnin' Up by the Jonas Brothers. If you don't know the song, listen to it. It would be great. Oh and Mike Lambs should be "loser" by Beck.
45. Now I'm disgruntled. The starburst is stuck in my teeth *mini panic attack*
46. Oh my friend Joe says that the MN TWINS probably sit in the club house eating candy watching little big league waiting for milk and cookies from Gardy. Scary thing is I think he might be right.
47. ......white chocolate macadamia cookies. Straight up. Dammit Christy.
48. I'm going to the yankees twins game. Anyone else going? I'll be holding my "Circle Me Bert my mom thinks your hot" sign.
49. Oh yeah speaking of Bert. He eats crickets, and enjoys it.. I think he'd eat anything. I think someone should test this out, every week it's a different package dried animal that either tastes like bacon and cheese, sour cream and chive or vinegar.
50. ITS MY CATS BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SALLY ON YOUR 15 YEARS OF MEOWZERIFICNESS!

Come from behind wins

I think the MN Twins need to start wearing shirts that say "we like it from behind"
Because,
1: It's true.
2: It sounds kinda kinky.
3: It would look good on a blue shirt and big white Tahoma, Verdana or maybe Webdings if you wanna get all cryptic on peoples asses.

I was watching the home run derby because well, that piece of canadian bacon was playing.
Josh Hamilton is one crazy cyborg alien.
Oh yeah, if you guys didn't know but JUSTIN MORNEAU WON THE HOME RUN DERBY.
Yeah, espn didn't catch the memo I think their heads are too far up the sob story that is Josh Hamilton.
I mean don't get me wrong, that kid is one big piece of talent. And kind of nice to look at.
He has tattos, so he's automatically kind of a big deal. I wanna meet him and play the "I'll show u mine if u show me your(s).................tattoos"

But congrats Justin for being a super awesome guy.
We're only 1 1/2 games behind and we have the home run derby champ.
Watch out.

As if my crush couldn't get crushier.

Nick Punto has been on a 7 game hitting streak in which he's batting .478 (11-23) over that period of time.



YOU do not know how happy this makes me.
Wait, if you read my blog you probably do know how happy it makes me.

Last time I was at the game every time he was up to bat I'd sing "dream weaver"
The chorus not the creepy noises before and after the song.
I see the past games I've been people have been bowing and saying "we're not worthy"
That shits epic. I enjoy it thoroughly. If I was a dominatrix I'd whip out my.....whip.

Moving on.

Gardy pretty much said he's going to be our every-day SS.
I knew this would happen and I'm calling that we're going to win the division at the end of the year. We're going to sweep the white sox then go to kansas city and win them all too. I see these things.

Wishful thinking brings you a looooong way.

He's short.
He's "scrappy".
He's easy going.
He's a leader.
He rides unicorns.
He's a ninja, and lately a pirate because he's been stealing fast balls and hitting singles.
He's the resident slurpee maker.
He's Nick Punto.

....I'm not worthy.


PS: And all you Punto haters who hate on how he sucked and now you hate him more because he doesn't? Please send $1.00 to the "go f-yourself" fund. It's for a great cause.

/show-boating

ooooh we're LIVIAN on a prayerrr

Ahhhhh...baseball.
It's been a while, I hope I'm not bad luck and they lose.


Top of the second
mil-a-wau-kee-yeah 1 minnuh-so-duh 0

-SO Alexi likes flicking people off,livan really enjoys those sleeveless jerseys. Has anyone give him the memo that they are inside and it isn't hot out...or in..there?
-Livan, stop breakin' my balls man. It's my first day back from the long hiatus and you gotta play me like that?
-Livan, an error? Lets thank that the ninja Nick Punto was fast enough to make it a less horrible mistake, kind of like when your parents conceived you...okay that was too much we're only behind by 2.
-Livan is also a ninja.

Bottom of the Second
-So last night, the game was interrupted like 4-5 times by a beach ball? Oh Yeah. Screw Brewers fans.
-Dick Bremer should of played for the rock cats..or..st paul saints.
-Kubel, now walk it out.
-TC and the milwaukee mascot looked like they were making out. In the darkness. Creepy. And to think TC wasn't going to walk in the same footsteps as Miley Cyrus.
-Mike Lamb looks like he should be wielding a sword, and body armor. He looks like such a...narnian character, Punto can be like a narnian since they are super short. Yep.
-I'm Bobby Boucher, my mammy said dat baseball is duh debil..so I swing and miss baseballs, because mammy says that they are orbs of the debil in which if it hits my baseball bat it sucks out all the happiness out of me. Brian Buscher you fail me once again. Go to narnia with Lamb.
-Hey Repub, or Tom Cruise and George W Bushs love child. Please hit a single?
-Rally cookies? Bert by the end of the season you are going to turn diabetic.
-Tom Harris W Bush...how dare you.

Top of the third
-Ryan Braun looks like a 12 year old whos father was a galago:
am I right or am I right?
-whilst I was googling galago(holy crap say that 10 times fast) aka bush babies livan has gotten himself in quite a pickle.
-He got himself into one of those pickles you get at the gas stations in that big bag full of pickle juice. Yep one of those since he decided to let another run score. And I will full-out say this. If they eventually take him out and put in Boof, I'll jump out of this here plane. And there isn't even any snakes on it!
-GOD NO! RIGHT WHEN I SAY THAT he takes off his car cover and probably drinks two more beers before half assing-ly warming up.....yeah its 5-0 now. I think this means I should NEVER blog ever again.
-Karlee. It's only the top of the third. And this is the MN Twins. We like come backs. We love coming from behind. Tee-hee.
-See wow, a couple fly balls and we're out. Why couldn't you of done thatuh..yeah..earlier?

Bottom of the third
CHEEEEEEEESE-5 SPAM-0
-Punto, do work! Please don't strike out again. You already threw your bat. Settle. Or fail.
-Mauer, wassap.
-.........we're already done? WTF? What happend!?


Top of the fourth
-oh thank you livan is still playing. Id rather have him pitch than Boofeteria.
-oh...could this be a 1-2-3 inning? *gasps*
-Oh it so is!

Bottom of the fourth
-THANKS MORNEAU for being strong and sending a laser beam to the second basemen. I don't know his name, wanna know why? Because I don't care.
-Monroe its okay *hugs* and Kubel, go yard. Make momma proud. Think of lolcats.
-Buscher stop making me feel like I'm going to throw up my spleen and hit the ball in a gap and let morneau score okay?
-Im super hating on this umpire. Suck a big fat one.

too busy sulking, woe is me and karlee has to eat now.

Kevin not so Slowey (Oh I'm such a card!)

I enjoy that our pitchers are better in clutch situations than our 3,4,5 hitters.
Can our 3,4,5 hitters be Slowey, Korecky, and Hernandez please?
Since ya know, Livan forgot how to pitch and all.

I guess things are kind-of looking up for the yellow submarine shaped cakes filled with cream.

I mean, Juan Rincon is gone, it's like your worst player is off the dodge team ya know, the kid who always gets hit right away and you end up losing because everyone is just so pissed that he doesn't even give any effort into "dodging"

That's Juan Rincon.


Perkins is going to go yard tonight, I mean we're playing Milwaukee.

there comes a time.....

when a blogger becomes more than a blogger.

my friends..

I have become.

Debbie Downer.

Dear MN Twins,

6 game losing streak? Oh and you got swept by the FUCKING WHITE SOX?
Out of alllllllllllll the teams it had to have been them?
NO! STOP!

fldfjagl;'uaopgfdflvb;lfddld;hfsdjasaslk!!!!,
-Karlee

Ick ick ick.
AND NICK SWISHER.
A TWINS KILLER?
AHHHHHHHHHH WHY?
UGH.

Okay and this is why I haven't blogged, because of this.
I just get mad again.
Just let it go, life goes on.


I'll be back when Im in my happy place.

Jeter you silly foooooool

Lat time I checked, when ANYONE, even ichiro hits off the right field wall you know better that you BEST not try to turn that into a double.

But this foolish man thought different:

ya know, the very homosexual looking one?
Uh.
...........wow.
Okay the one on right right in the front. HIM. YEAH. PETER, oh..Jeter? Oh alright.

But he hit a "I'm Derek Effing Jeter wanna be double" off the wall where the cobra commander lives.
He's a part of the fantstic four, see the stretchy guy :)


When he throws I hear a faint whistling noise comming towards me, oh...whats that? Oh it's a MISSLE.
BOOM.

Jeter one word of advice:


side note: Who else would play cuddyer BUT ADAM SANDLER, right? Right. Imagine him juggling a ball on the brim of his hat. He could so pull cuddyer off.

Karlee-1
Jeter-0

i dont know how to quit you

Hi I'm alive. *waves*


Top of the first:
-Boof, I'll probably piss out unicorns if you get out of the first without anyone scoring.
-Saltallaaamachiaaabananaboat is playing!
-Cuddyer is in center field, Kubel in Left. This will be exciting.
-I still really hate Alexi Casilla, just to make sure everyone knows.
-Ian Kinsler is a stud.
-Boof is a stud for using his Jedi powers to lure a line drive right into his glove, he didn't even move it. Powers, he has dem.
-Micheal Young is a stud.
-if Boof is lucky he will still have his head by the end of the game.
-Josh Hamilton is a stud...woah I didnt notice how attractive this team is.
-I lied, Josh Hamilton is a big ugly because he just got a home run.
-OH YEAH guess what guys, I'm not going to piss out unicorns, I was so excited I already named my unicorn Nico.


Bottom of the first
-I don't like Alexi. He's the poor mans Carlos Gomez. You do not deserve the #1 spot. Oh I'm going to keep on talking crap because when I do that you "bad" players end up being "good" but its 1-2 I'm sensing a awesome strike out. Oh, nubber to the pitcher. heh nubber is a great word.
-catalanottosaltalamacchiavasquezboggggs.
-I love me the repub. The only one I do love, little brendan harris foo-foo walking through the forest scooping up curveballs and boppin them in the gaps!
-I just heard a girl yell out "JOE MAUER" yes he's going to turn around and start unbuttoning his shirt slowly, winking at you and yelling out "take me here, right on home plate infront of 20,000 people!" .....shut your trap.
-Oh hai Mauer, line drives straight to players are NOT cool, but look at it this way if I was out there I wouldn't be able to catch it because I would of been too short. I guess thats a positive.
-I get to eat pei wei tonight, jealous?
-Morneau can you always hit home runs? Please? Every day? I'm not asking much I'm not saying every at bat just every day. Or a walk.
-Cuddyer, can you always hit home runs? Please? Every day? Am I a broken record? I WANT POWER!
-fill the bases so kubeloution can spank one up on the second level.....or it's the end of the first.

Top of the second
-coomer is on his second hot dog. Such a fattie, he should eat a hot dog each inning. If Bert was smart he'd say "you have to eat a hot dog each inning until we score"
-Oh yeah and Boof is gaining his weight back sloooowly, thats what happens when you drink BEER BOOF, yeah I seen it. I have eyes. I know what beer does to you. He's moving around like "yeeeesh...weird, why does my uniform feel more snug, hmmmm."
-Guess boof wanted to get out of that inning so he can make coomers stomach explode of hot dogs and chips.

Bottom of the second
-LMFAO DICK MADE A FUNNY! There is a poll on who is the best young left handed hitter and he's like "I wonder why Jason Tyner isn't on there" and Bert did his "ooooh you silllly" giggle. Yeah. Dick I like you more and more each day and you haven't used your damn maps yet. You got the hint.
-Oh I'm excited for the Tigers to come so we can feel the tiny wrath of renyt, his evil twin.
-Young I want to see a home run....young got thrown out by young. I'm happy I'm not drinking.
-Nick Punto is having a slow recovery, and they might send him down to florida. Nick Punto's hamstring stop being stingy and mean and selfish. We need his spunk back! I mean look he was in the duggout playing catch with himself, thats just pathetic.

Top of the third
-Sorry inhaling my food, if anything awesome happens I'll type it.
-Kinsler isn't cute anymore either. You "cute" guys getting solo home runs. psh.

brokeback mountain2 Little Big Leauge0 (bottom of the third)

-"Bronco Dicky lets go"- Bert Blyleven
-When you try to lay down a bunt. You don't try to run out of the box whilst trying to hit the ball. Okay? ALEXI!
-she's my cherrrry pieeeee....sweeeet rebup pieeeee.
-Oh yes....Harris to third. Thanks one guy who got a home run, you messed up reeeeal good.
-Joe Mauer you're good. Do work son.
-random: I really want to see Cuddyer use his rocket launcher from center field to get a guy out at home, and get him out.
-Joe Mauer= did work
-Morneau remember when I told you that you should get home runs? I'm just sayin....
-Morneausy gets his second walk.
-ick Cuddyer.

Top of the fourth
-42 pitches in 4 innings. Wow Boof if you didn't give up two home runs I'd be praising you.
Not burying you. I'm not doing that either though. I'm content.
-..................whoa that was,EPIC

Bottom of the fourth
-Kubeloution is still rearin' to go. Nice single.
-I'm surprised I've never seen a hitter actually swing and hit the catcher. I got hit in the head when I used to be a catcher, but also the girl didn't know how to hit on men let alone balls.
-reason 45904508 why i dont like everett: His walk on song.
-saltalamacchiachiapet is really cute too. Oh, I like the twins I forgot sorry.
-HOLY CRAP ALEXI CASILLA GOT A HOME RUN.....WHAT!? HE PULLED A JASON TYNER WHOA!
-I knew gomez and casilla would be bffs...they are like joe mauer and justin morneau but.....yeah you get the point.


Top of the fifth Cow Pokes 2 The Alexi Casilla show 4

-I still don't like Alexi Casilla. *pouts*
-I love the salty sweat line on your hat Morneau. Super attractive.
-I kind of like Kubel in right field. Just a tiny bit though.
-55 pitches thrown in 5. He can go the whole game if he keeps up being all super awesome and epic.

Bottom of the fifth

this inning disapeared

Top of the sixth
-Mike Lamb=Nick Punto=Mike Lamb=Nick Punto=Mike Lamb.
-1-2-3 sixth. mmmmmm.

Bottom of the sixth
-DLMON YNG TRPL MG
-Mike Lamb is about to break a bat up in some bitches ass if he doesn't hit it seems.
-There, sac fly....relax Lambers.
-They haven't shown coom dog since the second hot dog. I think he's in a dome dog coma.
-Mike Lambs eyebrows are so....tiny now.

Top of the seventh
-66 pitches into the seventh.
-now hes like 4560598459048 pitches. gahhhh.
-nice obnoxtious throw there boof..
-4-5.........ick
-Boof you a need Bacardi and diet coke, 0 carbs 0 fat.
-Matty G, you going to be all super hero for us please?
-Matty G, you are my hero.

Bottom of the seventh
-every day eddddddie!
-literally....dang.

Top of the eighth
-seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeething.
-annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnger.
-6-5 rangers now. ICK.

Bottom of the eighth
-Justin Morneau, this is when you should get home runs and such. Such meaning rbis.
-saltys catching stance is kind of....preying mantis...and kind of...hot.
-LTS GO DLMN YNG.
-Dammit, Bahh bahhh

Top of the ninth
-
more cat pictures

Bottom of the ninth
-you know your team has no bench people when you let redmond hit for everett.
-this game is starting to make me nervous now. ughhhhh.
-lets go repub.
-OMG Mauer please don't hit into a double play, I might actually throw UP a unicorn.
-MAUER YES YES YES DOME MAGIC AHHHHHH
-6-6.....this game all a sudden made me happy again.

Top of the tenth
-extra innings broseph.
-wham bam thank you mizzzzaam

Bottom of the tenth
-wham bam oh noez :(



post game:
HAPPY SALAD!
That game was EPICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

Dear Minnesota Twins,

Small ball is nice and all.
But you don't produce home runs, tonights game will happen.
Only way the bo sox are scoring?
Solo home runs.

Ick,
Disgruntled Karlee